Long Discussion Last Night
over SS17's latest antics (1) having limited contact with his dad (2) contact only because he wants a vehicle (3) refusing to go on a trip with his dad (just dad and SS) to see his grandparents (4) not respoinding to text messages to meet with his dad (4) lying or lying by omission and I could go on and on but this would then be a book. Bottom line is I feel like I am at a crossroads and need to make a decision. As I see it I need to decide if:
1. Can I live the rest of my life with a SO that will not admit his child is a beyond normal teenage self-absorbed, deceitful, manipulative little shit who only comes around his dad for what he can get. SO has only seen this child 3 times since Christmas. He attempts to invite this kid to go places, do things, come over, you name it almost every time he is off work. He gets either an excuse, a lie or no response. His response to me last night "I know somewhere deep down inside there is a good kid." I don't see it, my family doesn't see it and the way SS goes through friends? Nope don't think so. SO says he cannot give a consequence as he has no control. Hello you have control of your wallet dumba** ! I don't really care that he gives the SS money, we have seperate finances but when I'm trying to be responsible parent and he is not and my kids see how much shit his kid gets away with it makes things difficult.
2.The main thing I'm trying to decide if I can live with is the rollercoaster of emotions. Its like it bulds up for months and then when there is an event like SO inviting SS on a trip, just the two of them, to go and visit their family and SS comes up with lies and excuses as to why he can't go, SO becomes an emotional basket case and the rest of us are left dealing with the fall-out.
3. Last night for the first time SO indicated that he thinks this estrangement is due to him moving into my house and giving up his bachelor pad DD lifestyle where SS got whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Apparently my house is boring because he cannot ride his quad in the backyard, I will not let him light off fireworks after 10:00 pm, and he is not the King of the house. BUT if this was the case why wouldn't SS jump on the chance to go away on vacation with just Daddy??? I don't understand this.
I left it with SO as he really needs to find a counselor to talk with that is experienced in COD as right now he is only listening to his family whose advice is "he's a teenager, they all act like that, give him whatever he wants to keep him in your life, even if that is only 4 times a year for a couple of hours each time.
Sorry this was so long I cut out so much that has happened in the past year. I honestly don't see this kid as having the kind of relationship with his father that my SO wants (best friend) until he is grown and away from BM, Baunt and BGM (the coven). I thought when I disengaged last year that things would be fine and they did get better but then I started seeing how much his issues with his son are spilling over into his relationship with me and my DDs. He is nice to them but its like if he makes an effort to have a relationship with them he feels like he is betraying his son.
I'm leaning towards telling SO to buy his own house and see if that changes his relationship with his son. I don't want to be the reason that someone thinks his relationship with his son failed. Has anyone else ever dealt with this?
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@ futurobrillante99
That's where I have been for the past year and it worked. Thanks for reminding me of that. Just never heard SO blame it on me and my house before so that really hurt when I and my family have bent over backwards to be accepting and accomodating. Don't understand at all how he can say it is me and my house when SS refuses to go on trips with just him and his dad. I'm tired and at a low point.
He didn't suggest moving out
I'm the one that thinks that maybe he should. Just don't like being blamed when I don't think that is 100% of the problem. I haven't told him yet that I think that he should.
Your SO is just looking for an excuse
He can’t call his DS a butt head, that DS is only in it for himself, your SO was ok playing ATM for his son. But once you SO did something for himself, DS felt he was second, he want nothing to do with him. DS is punishing his father for having a life. A life not 100% of the time keeping DS happy.
I understand what you're
I understand what you're saying.
But this bad dad/son realationship CAN'T be your fault because your guy made the choices that pissed off his kid -- not you. If it had been ANY OTHER WOMAN you know the kid would have the same reaction.
It also can't be your fault because it's not your job to keep his kid satisfied or to consider his kid's feelings when moving in together -- DAD should have considered his kid's feelings and whether the kid was mature enough to handle dad having a relationship. If not, he should have done what was necessary to prepare the kid for it. Like, BE A DAD for god's sake. Help your kid get through this transition. Be proactive. Be present!!!!!
And on top of that, your guy apparently raised SS believing that dad's love life is a democratic process so now the SS is pissed that he had no say in being at your house. I get that. Don't you? I mean, your guy probably didn't prepare SS too well for such a huge change, especially if he's given SS the impression until now that what SS wants, SS gets. Now, all of a sudden, you and other people are in the mix. How well a kid adjusts is sometimes because of how well the parent works to help the kid adjust. I think the blame might belong on your SO for not being honest with SS about wanting a life aside from just SS.
My husband muffed it too -- never even told his kid he was dating, so, of course, it was major drama when princess found out he was not only dating, but seriously dating one woman. One day SD heard my message on his answering machine and she just went berserk with jealousy and rage and didn't talk to him for 2 yrs. That's 2 yrs I might have had to make a relationship with SD while he and I dated, but instead, I got stuck with a SD I hardly knew and who really was not only unprepared to share her dad, but misled by dad to think he was a freaking celibate. Now I am pretty sure THAT could have been avoided (or at least mitigated to a one-year ghosting by SD), but my husband didn't do a damn thing to prepare his stupid kid for the reality that he didn't want to be single forever.
That just sets up a stepmother for hell on earth.
Anyway, my point is, if the kid is resentful and angry, how could you have avoided it? How can you fix it? If dad sees himself as powerless against the kid's attitude, you can't do a thing about it...
...except change the dad. Tell him you must insist he seek counseling because he needs someone to straighten out his head. He needs to hear it from a third, neutral party, not you, because he thinks by listening to you, his wife, he's betraying his child. You cannot fix someone that screwed up when you're the wife.
If he doesn't want to go, ask him if he ever feels torn between your needs and his kid's needs. If he says yes, and if he's honest, he will, tell him counseling is just to help him with that because it affects you too. It's not too direct or specific -- no accusations, just help for him to not feel torn. How can he turn that down?
If you're really thinking of putting him out of the house, best to give him fair warning that you MUST INSIST he seek counseling or you're thinking of separating.
"Well DH, if YOUR decision to
"Well DH, if YOUR decision to move into my home has resulted in YOUR relationship with YOUR son deteriorating, then maybe YOU should find a new bachelor pad. I didn't make you move; that was YOUR decision."
You need to learn and practice some passive phrasing when he starts on his boo-hooing that aren't direct insults at you:
"That's rough dear."
"Uh huh."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Well, isn't that something. Dessert?"
If he tries blaming you, remind him FIRMLY that he is a strong, independent man that don't need no woman. He makes decisions for himself, and the consequences are his alone.