Massive Family Meltdown
Hello! I have not posted since July and since then this whole issue has blown like a nuclear bomb...
My SD is almost 20. She goes away to college; this is her second year.
My sister in laws had become meddlesome during her teen years and bought into all her teen drama and there was a big family issue. Never really settle it...but sister in laws got the message to back off and parent their OWN kids...
In recent events, my in laws celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. As someone who has been in this very close knit family (who does absolutely everything together...holidays, birthdays, etc.) I was completely left out of all the planning by my two sister in laws. In the immediate family there are 3 "daughters", my husband's sister, our sister in law and then me.
We have had a very strict rule...if there is to be a family party where everyone is to write a check to pay for it...ALL PARTIES CONSULT AND HELP PLAN. This was established 10 years ago. Has worked well.
My husband, who ususally stays out of what he touts "drama" became involved this time. Especially when his sister started texting me and telling me that he and I did NOT need to be consulted on this party...among other things...and he saw first hand how bitchy and condescending his sister becomes when anyone challenges her supreme rule.
During this exchange of text messages...my husband's siter brings up this old issue...my SD. Who she thinks is the MOST POOR IGNORED CHILD OF DIVORCE...and began to accuse me of only ever referring to my SD as "HIS KID"...
She went off the deep end and began to tell me that my husbands ENTIRE family views me as resentful and unloving towards my SD...I have raised this child since she was 3. BM is out of state, left 5 years ago and I do everything for my SD. More than I ever should have.
SO once my SIL decide she has ripped me enough and let me know what everyone thinks...she sends us a text one week later to ahow up to party on 8/25 and bring checkbook...because we will be settling the bill. Party is at her house...of course...we are no longer speaking.
We get to the party...and we immediately see that this party has been pumped up to a level that we were not informed of at all (for 2 people who are, BTW...writing a check for it).
A speech ensues before dinner is served and all the 5 kids of my in laws speak. My husband now feels set up...because as the older brother of his sister, he was asked to speak 2nd to last. The last being my brother in law...husband of the other meddling SIL.
BIL proceeds to thank EVERYONE of the kids and inlaws for the party by NAME....expect me. Now, understand that now all sibling participated in planning, but were writing a check, too. And I am let out.
To shorten this, my husband and I ended up leaving the party. In a separate room away from the party, my SIL freaked out on me when MY HUSBAND told her he thought they F-ed this one up royally by leaving me out of planning AND the thank you speech and that we were leaving. SIL's cop husband had to restrain her of me as she went off...which my husband also saw first hand. She flipped when my husband finally saw the light.
A week later we sat down with my in laws and we went over what had happened. Obviously, my SIL had painted a very different picture. None the less...mother in law wants this resolved.
However, she also reports to me that the entire family views me as unloving towards my SD...even though she knows how much I have done for my SD because her son hasn't.
Her issue? I CALL MYSELF SD's STEPMOM...yes...this whole family is upset because I call myself stepmom???????????
Isn't that an issue between my husband, SD and her BM....to which we all agree on our roles?
And here is the kicker. DH and I have 2 kids together. Last year for our son's 3rd birthday I posted a picture of my DH, myself, our BD and BS around his birthday cake on Facebook. SD was not in it BECAUSE SHE WAS OUT OF STATE AT SCHOOL. My FIL exploded on me about this. WHY DID I POST THIS PICTURE AND HOW DARE EVERYONE COMMENT THAT THIS IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY BECAUSE SD WASN'T IN IT!!!!!!
At this point...my MIL had lightbulb over her head...she said...ummmmm.....I think everyone MAY be meddling too much in your family...
hum....you think????????
This post is way too long...thanks for reading if you do. This is why I have not posted. THis isn't even the full detailed story.
DO we even bother tryin to mend this? These people are crazy. If it wasn't for me...my SD would not be at college pursuing her career of choice. She wouldn't have had half the things she needed as a girl, because my husband is clueless with girls...I am really done getting kicked.....
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ANd...BTW...at that party I
ANd...BTW...at that party I was not thanksed at...I was going to be asked to write a check for nearly $400.00. An amount I was not privy to prior to going to the party because I was not allowed any information, nor was my husband.
1. If I am not consulted, you
1. If I am not consulted, you get no financial assistance from me. 2. It was more than rude to exclude you from the thank you speech. 3. if your SD is cool with you just being the stepmom then why do they care?
I think they are insane. I would just stop talking to them.
I hope you guys didn't write
I hope you guys didn't write that check. You can't exclude someone from all planning and input and then turn around and say "You owe this much." Well, obviously you can, but I would personally tell them to take a hike.
As for the rest of it... you can't fix crazy. You as SD's Stepmom. What does she want you to do? Call yourself SD's mother? Then you're just going to get smacked because you're Not SD's mother, how dare you say that. If they are unable to look at your actions and discern that you care for this (adult) child, then nothing you say will convince them.
Your MIL can want it resolved until the cows come home, but the fact is that her daughter is an interfering drama-queen and you don't need to roll over and play doormat so your in-laws can feel better.
I'm glad there are some light bulbs starting to go off, but I would pull back. I would have your DH make it very clear that you will not be funding any events that you are excluded in the planning and budgeting of. DH also needs to clear up with his siblings and their spouses that his/your family does not need their interference, it's not appreciated, it's actually completely inappropriate and it will cause your family to limit your interactions with the rest of the family if they do not behave in a more mature and respectful manner.
And the picture crap drives me crazy. I thought about this this morning actually. My best friend just put up some pictures from a wedding she attended with her husband and their two girls. There's a picture that's just friend, husband and the younger girl. Is anyone going to raise all heck about how dare they post a picture or *gasp* even TAKE a picture without the other daughter? No. Of course not. Because there aren't any steps involved. It's ridiculous. The world does not stop turning because some part of the family isn't present. It doesn't make those Kodak moments any less worth while or the picture any less wonderful because any given person isn't in it.
I'd tell MIL that you're sorry if it upsets her, but you aren't the bad guy and you're not going to allow yourself to be mistreated any longer. If the rest of the family wants to get their heads out of the butts and start being rational, reasonable people, sure you'll consider "resolving" it, but until then, it is resolved - you're not getting beat up because your SILs are crazy.
Thank you ladies...your words
Thank you ladies...your words are comforting and validating.
I have these exact policies...no consultation...no help with payment.
Aeron...NO...you bet I did NOT write a check...nor will I.
SD and I both agree that I am SM and mom is BM. BM and I both agree that SD has 2 moms....BM and SM...and we each know who we are.
The fact that our BM is a non participating entity for the most part doesn't change her biological conneciton. DH's family is just pissed because at this point I do expect that BM participate in things like college tuition (AND AFTER I ASKED...BM DID PARTICIPATE.....HUMMMMM).
THey actually told me that after she moved 5 years ago...they considered her gone and I was IT for SD...I don't agree with that and they will not shove that down my throat.
I am just amazed at the crazy that is coming out now. I have been in the family for 16 years.
The picture stuff is insanity. So basically, my children (ALSO THEIR BIO GRANDCHILDREN) are no longer allowed to have a picture with their MOM AND DAD????? That is some veru disturbing intrusion from people who need to grow up!
The fact that my FB page was being "monitored" (BTW...not the first time comments were made about my FB page over very benign issues) absolutely puts the last nail on their coffin for me.
If it were my family I would
If it were my family I would do the following:
1. delete and block all of them from facebook (I would try to get DH on board with this too)
2. Have DH send one statement jointly as a family (including SD) stating that the roles are what works for our family and no one else has a say or comment TYVM, and that all the focus on SD and the step issue short changes your other children and sets SD apart when the goal is to keep EVERYONE a part of the family unit equally.......and that you will not be writing a check as you were not consulted, informed or thanked and because you were nearly physically attacked.
3. lay out the rules for the future- if you are going to have a relationship with this family the boundaries are A,B,C etc.
Then I would leave the ball in their court. If they apologize and follow the rules, great, if they don't they are cut off. I have too much going on to put up with BS like that!
i'm convinced that steps and
i'm convinced that steps and in laws use fb as a form of house arrest for us sm's. it's like an ankle monitor to them. they watch and track every single thing we say and do on there. that is why i no longer have them on my fb. }:) i bet that really pissed them off when they tried to spy and couldn't find me!
Thank you again...all of your
Thank you again...all of your comments are exactly what I am hearing from everyone...very validating. Good to hear it here, too.
First and foremost...I DID delete my Facebook account. Last week, I also gave my SD until 12noon on a Sunday to delete hers. There is no social media for members of this immediate family for now. For me, it was also for professional reasons...but alot because of family, too.
I agree that FB is just a perfect monitoring tool. I just did not expect my 70 yr old inlaws to be so damn petty. They are good people...this is really weird for them.
PURPLEMOM...thanks for the letter advice. I have been considering this and I am going to print your verbage and use it. This is exactly what I was thinking along the lines of a letter.
Thank you thank you thank you for all the support...I have really been affected by this.
I am sick and tired of SD being the focus of this family...and at least I know that my MIL now thinks that she has been too and that it is time for this to stop.
SD is NOT the focus of our immediate household. She is ONE member of it...all five of us make the FAMILY.
Why would you make your adult
Why would you make your adult SD delete her FB account? That is just weird to me.
I can see why you would delete yours, though, and am sorry for what the family is doing to you.
How is your SO handling this?