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Satan (BM) letting SS (14) date - unchaperoned.

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

So, we found out this week that satan is letting her spawn go on unchaperoned dates with an older teen girl during her twice a month visitation. 

These dates include movies and joy riding and generally hanging out in vehicles. I found notes between SS and his girlfriend where they discuss "kissing, hugging, and you know what" and how his girlfriend can't wait to have his babies. 

DH and I think he is to young to date and definetly to young to go places unsupervised - he doesn't have the best track history of making good decisions. 

Our fear is him being a father by 15 and since we have primary custody it falling in our laps. 

We have previously complained to the judge about the 'lack of rules, structure, and discipline' at satan's house, but the judge said it was normal to not agree on these things and satan had the right to parent as she sees fit. Reminder, BM is a a convicted felon, drug addict, and earns her money on her back (her words). 

Does anyone else have experiece with dealing or succeffuly stoping the non-custodial parent from letting a child run wild when they are there for court ordered visitation?

 

Comments

Winterglow's picture

As long as he isn't in danger at his mother's house, there isn't anything you can do. Having said that, I suggest you (plural) are brutally honest about what will happen if the gf gets pregnant, to wit, he will be forcibly emancipated and turned out of your home, he will have to get a job to support his new family, school will be over and along with that, any hopes he had for his future. Put the fear of god into him. 

Also, make sure your DH has been perfectly clear about sex and contraception, even if it means making condoms freely available. 

Ispofacto's picture

To avoid pregnancy, it might be worth contacting the girl's parents to see if they care enough to put her on BC.  Or maybe they could take the car away from her.

 

CLove's picture

Start calling SS "pops" and definitely have a discussion.

justmakingthebest's picture

It's exhausting to be powerless and watching these kids take dangerous paths because the other parent won't parent!!

I would start by having the sex talk with him in real terms, no sugar coating or dancing around it. Buy him condoms. Tell him to not trust that she is on BC. Show him how much kids cost! Take him to the store for a lesson on diapers, formula, clothes, toys and everything else babies need. Explain that he will be expected to work and pay child support for the next 18-21 years. That college is over for him, he won't be able to afford it nor have the time because the baby will need things. No more weekends with friends. Nothing else but taking care of a baby. 

There are exceptions with people being teen parents and being able to have a successful life, but those are exceptions- not the rule. 

Felicity0224's picture

We went through this with OSD. BM just threw caution to the wind and let her go out and about with her first boyfriend with no supervision. She of course swore they weren't having sex, but YSD snitched on her. So we had really serious conversations about exactly what would happen if she got pregnant. It would effect us more than BM because BM has no money, so we offered to pay for BC that wasn't a pill - something more or less foolproof. She opted for an IUD. I still remind her all the time to use condoms because some stds are lifelong sentences. 

If your SS's girlfriend is also a minor, I personally would encourage DH to reach out to her parents. Just tell them that he isn't comfortable with them being alone, and he would appreciate it if they respected his wishes. He obviously can't make them do anything, but it can't hurt for him to make it known that he's involved and disapproves. Best case scenario, they'll stop their daughter from going out alone with SS. Worst case, they just ignore DH. 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

BM1 allowed SD21 then 12 yo to have a bf and spend weekends at his house. At 16yo, SD21 was pretty much moved in with her bf at his parents home and now at 21yo she supports him fully. Its miraculous that she never got pregnant. For SS20, she was his "wingwoman" when he was 14 years old and lied to one of her friends who was 28years old that he was 22yo. The 28 yo friend slept with her 14yo son with her help and she thought she was a "cool mom" for it. At 17yo, she allowed him to move in his gf who was 15yo and they had violent fights until the cops were called. BM1 has a history of sleeping with both of her sons friends who were barely legal, so thats that.

BM2 allowed them to date and have girlfriends as soon as 8 years old and she lets the girls come home and spend time in their rooms with door closed. SS16 spends entire weekends at gfs homes and has already threatened suicide twice over breakups with 2 other girls. SS14 has multiple gfs but nothing serious, they come over to his home and stay in his room with door closed.

You or husband cant do anything about this because the BMs will always prevail since they are CPs and their primary residence is with the children

My husband tried to control that stuff with all his children but he was gaslit as a reactionnary crazy person and the children think of him as someone who wants them to be "robots". SS20 has had 2 pregnancy scares and told my husband that wtv happens he will not be marrying no girl over some kid and BM1 told him its ok the girls can get on welfare so you dont have to worry about that. My husband asked him if they were good enough to sleep with unprotected, why are they not good enough to marry and have children with? His response is that his fathers thought process is ancient and no one thinks like that now. My husband told his kids that if they cant use protection while having sex, then they need to abstain, they called him crazy.

SS20 has had to go to the ER twice this year for STIs...

Best advice is for your husband to tell the BM that if a pregnancy or STD happen while the child is a minor, she will be fully responsible to support the costs and responsibilities associated with that.

justmakingthebest's picture

he 28 yo friend slept with her 14yo son with her help and she thought she was a "cool mom" for it

1st- I don't buy for a second that the woman mistook a 14 yr old boy for a 22 yr old. That woman was a pedophile and wanted him young. 

IF, and I mean BIG IF she was that drunk that she believed 14 yr old was legal- she has got to be traumatized! I can't even imagine!

As for the rest, you are so right. The "fun" CP or even NCP parent will always win. Who wants rules and structure when you can have sex, drugs and no curfew?

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Its a crazy shocking story for me because if you saw him at 14, he looked nothing like a 22yo physically nor mentally. Even the way he talked and what he talked about was not how a 22yo would function

BM1 has always wanted to be friends with her children and told them that when they want to explore alcohol, drugs or sex, she wont stop them but she will be there to "supervise" to make sure the experience goes well because she grew up with parents who were purchasing alcohol and weed and letting her bfs move in with her when she was underage because in their own words they would rather she do that stuff in a safe place under their roof than risk doing it outside of the home and be in danger....

I think its weird but BM1 also slept with OSS friend who was 19 years old and now has a full blown relationship with him lol. She kicked out her younger son (from another dad) at 16yo because he got upset and mad at her for having sex and acting like in a relationship at home in front of him with OSS friend lol

 

Weird ppl....You are correct, if your co-parent has no structure, there is nothing that can be done or enforced since they spend more time over there....

 

advice.only2's picture

Invite the girl and her parents over and have a frank discussion with all of them, that you do not condone SS14 dating at this point and that since the two are considering having sex or are having sex YOU will not be responsible should the girl end up pregnant, that responsibility will fall solely to SS14. 

I would also have a very honest discussion with SS14 what his life will look like as a teen father.  Which would entail getting his GED so he can begin working full time to support the BABY, not baby mama, and a custody agreement will be worked out with the court system.

strugglingSM's picture

SS is 16 and has his first real girlfriend. He is basically unsupervised by BM and according to him, his girlfriend's parents don't care if they have sex at her house. Every time SS mentions the girlfriend, DH tells him that he needs to use a condom every.single.time. He also told SS that he should suggest that the girlfriend get an IUD. DH figured that being as direct as possible would be the best he could do as the EOWE dad to ensure SS was aware of the need to prevent pregnancy.