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So much nonsense

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

I'm new here but thought I'd start sharing. 

A little back ground - I am BM to 3 BS's - all grown,working, and successfully raising their own families - they are delights to be around. I am SM to 3 SS's - 2 from Wifey#1 who raised (pretty much on her own) 2 delightful, hardworking yound men who are also working and raising their own families, and 1 from BM (wifey#2) who is a trainwreck and her evil spawn didn't fall far from the crack house. 

I came here for tips on disengaging and realized I am in a large group of like minded step partents. I am going to try to post more blogs as time permits ( because the past 6 years have been hell and I have learned alot) but I wanted to start with how my DH justifies SS12 horrid behavior. This child is a compulsive liar, he steals, he is manipulative, deceptive, and disrespectful. 

DH has full custody with BM getting very limited visits - which are too much in my opinion beacuse SS comes back worse than when he left. 

Last night SS lied to me and then completely disregarded somthing I told him he had to do as a consequence for the lie. DH is in his recliner the whole time and when I asked if he would please deal with his evil spawn (no I didn't call SS evil spawn, but that is how my mind translates it) he said, "It's not a big deal. You have to admit he is a pretty good kid." 

IN WHAT WORLD???

DH and BM do not know how to be parents. BM wants to be friends so SS will convince the courts to let him have more time so she can start getting child support - yes she has told him this in those words. BM doesn't work, is a felon, and has a drug habit. DH wants to be the good guy because, "This is last chance to be a father".

So I had the fun time of explaining how compulsive lying, deception, and stealing does not constitute a 'good kid' in anyones book. 

Basically if the child isn't commiting a crime or being completely destructive DH thinks I am over-reacting. The PP plan states that only DH or BM can disipline SS so my actions are limited even though they live in my house (bought and piad for before we met) - and my state has zero step-parent rights. So to end this discussion I removed cords from all electronic devices and told SS it was a priveledge to use my stuff and my electricity so when I seen respect, better behavior, and a little effort to help around the house he would earn usage. 

He begged DH to "Make me give him HIS cord back." DH tried to take his side and I let him know I'd take his cords too since he doesn't pay for anything either. This shut down DH. I told SS to go read a book. SS started crying - yes crying - beacuse he "didn't want to read." Can anyone say "Drama"? This is exacltly how BM acts. I told him if he didn't want to read a book he could go to bed  - his choice. He chose to read. It's a small success I guess.  

We will see how it goes. The house was really quite last night. 

I am stepping up my disengaging. 

 

Comments

Stepdrama2020's picture

Your DH doesnt pay for anything? I got stuck on that part. Can you elaborate please.

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

When we met he had finished a career in the military and was a full time college student on a GI Bill stipend. He had 50/50 custody and paid ungodly CS to BM who doesn't work. The PP was on paper only - he had SS most of the time. We married shortly before his graduation and he wanted to seek full custody of SS. I supported him. All of his new income when to paying attorneys, mediators, and court fees. We got custody right away but there were ongoing court battles because BM was and is constantly making up lies which we have to pay to defend. 

This has been the only releif Covid has brought to us - courts are only seeing emergency cases - and we have BM tied up in possibly having to pay back of DH's legal fees, but that is another story. 

But he has had money to contribute for about 2-3 years now (we have been together for 6). Instead of pitching in he decided he needed and deserved a new vehicle, and then a motorcycle, and then other man-toys. He buys things when he gets off work and I don't know until I get home. Now he says he "has too many payments to help out" and "I covered all the bills by myself before so I should let him have a little fun."

There have been many arguments about this and right now between disengaging with evil spawn I have also refused to buy anything either of them need including groceries and clothing. Its a process and I am still not sure how well it's working. 

advice.only2's picture

Explaining it didn't really help, it just painted an even worse picture of him in my mind.

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

It's probably as bad as you are imagining. When we married there were lots of promisses for post-graduation. None of that has materialized. 

SteppedOut's picture

Yep. At a certian point (hopefully sooner than later) you have to cut your losses. The losses will continue. And continue. Been there. 

Cover1W's picture

Oh Wow.  No, this is a hard no.

You have got to hard line cut shared finances if you want to stay with him. Hard line. He doesn't want any responsibility.

Ursula's picture

A child reading because they have to read...I can totally relate, this is what my SD does.  So ridiculous.  She says it's too hard.  Reading is too hard?  How lazy can one be?

tog redux's picture

Sounds like your DH's first wife raised two good kids IN SPITE of him, not with his help.

I think you need to do much less and make DH do more - leave everything to him. After all, you are going against the CO by giving him consequences, so why get yourself in trouble. Let DH deal with 100% of everything for his son.  You can certainly stop paying for anything you are paying for in regard to his son, take away any electronics you've bought, and leave it all to DH. 

Maybe he will step up and if not, maybe SS will get what he wants and go with BM.  Though I'm not sure how you maintain respect for your DH. And DH needs to get a job and start helping.

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

DH has a job - see my comment above, but I have stopped providing everythign from them except the essential that I share. Andremoving cords was my latest idea. I didn't get angry or upset I just started unlpugging everything and put all the cords into my document safe. 

ESMOD's picture

If you are setting the rules and taking the cords.. you aren't disengaged.

I'm also stuck on the you pay for it all.. WHY? 

AgedOut's picture

why are you the one paying for everything? save your $$ for your future 'what if's. 

Ispofacto's picture

That PP doesn't sound enforceable to me.  How is discipline even defined?  Are teachers and police allowed to discipline SS?  It makes no sense.  Sure, you may not be allowed to administer corporal punishment, but I'd say anything else is allowed.  I mean, refusing to make whatever meal he demands could be considered discipline.  Are you allowed to stop him from starting the house on fire??  It's not in a child's best interest to live in a household with an adult who can't discipline him.

But the real problem here is DH.  Not only is he complacent in SS's obvously bad behavior, he's actively undermining you in front of SS.  The kid thinks he can tattle on you.  WTF.

 

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

He tells on me to DH and BM for everything. DH says I'm over-reacting and BM reminds him that I can't legally do anything. I work around the discipline clasue with rules with consequesnses. Basically -  you act how your expected or the only thing you will get is basic neccessities. 

I have disengaged in other methods. I refuse to be a driver or attend any sporting or extra-cirricualr avtivites (I was doing it all). I dont' buy SS clothes (I bought them all). He didn't get school pics this year because BM or DH bought them - I have bought them the past 5 years. I refuse to be home alone with him, Etc. 

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

I have thought about it, but it's my house. I told DH if things didn't change him and SS needed to find a new place.

Gimlet's picture

What needs to change?  If you want to go this route, I would make the expecatations crystal clear, as well as the consequences for not meeting them.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

It sounds like you are taking on all the responsibility. It's understandable you a are frustrated and angry. It is unlikely anything is going to change until you do something drastic to set a limit with both DH and SS.

 

Gimlet's picture

You don't need disengagement.  You need boundaries.  You can disengage from this f*ckery all day long but it doesn't stop it from happening in the home YOU provide and affecting you.

There is no excuse for your useless husband to not contribute to the home, other than the fact that he's been getting away with it.  I don't mean this to sound harsh, but he acts this way because he can.   He sounds like an immature child himself, so it stands to reason that he thinks that SS is a "good kid".

He needs to sell some of his toys and start contributing to the home but given what you've written I doubt that he will do that.  SS sounds awful to live with, but the man baby you call a spouse is the real issue.

What's keeping you in this marriage?

tog redux's picture

Agree 100%. He's not paying anything or parenting his kid. Sounds like he's got a sweet gig, but what is the OP getting out of it?

hereiam's picture

When we married there were lots of promisses for post-graduation. None of that has materialized. 

Then I'm afraid that I would have to dematerialize from his life. He is using you.

Merry's picture

Sounds like you're making progress for yourself by taking away things that you paid for, but does your DH help with household expenses such as groceries, utilities, insurance, etc? Or does all his money go to SS and man toys?

If my DH told me he DESERVES xyz holy hell would rain down on his head. HE deserves a new car? Why don't YOU? I get so tired of being the stable, responsible one, and while my DH didn't buy big things like that, he did have a spending habit that had to be changed. He had his choice of buying whatever he wanted and also paying rent on a place of his own, or he could be a real partner for me. And knew that wasn't an empty threat.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I'm going to be blunt: your problem isn't actually a skid one, it's a marital one. You married a man of poor character who is exploiting you.

You think you're part of a team, but you're really just a sugar momma, housekeeper, and doormat for this guy. He does exactly as he pleases, makes unilateral financial decisions, and allows his kid to disrespect you. He's got a good thing going, and apparently knows you won't stand up for yourself.

When you're in it, it can be difficult to see the big picture but your marriage is completely out of balance and NOT normal. You may love him, but he isn't being a loving H to you. Any one of the things you've shared would drive many woman to divorce. 

If you want things to change, you need to start with yourself. Why have you allowed this? Are you conflict avoidant? A pushover? Afraid to be alone? Low self esteem? Get to the core issues that have led you to this point, address them, and you'll find the strength to do what's best for YOU.