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SD asked to get our nails done.. What do I say?

I love dogs's picture

I just got a text from SD that says: "can we get our nails done for your birthday (Sunday)? Or sometime this weekend?" From my previous post, I offered to take SD to get a haircut for her dance next Friday and was going to surprise her with an eyebrow wax after. She didn't want to go so I didn't bring up the waxing to not seem desperate or to bribe her.

I had to get my nails redone last Sunday because of breakage after a week so my nails are still fresh. I'm sure SD just wants a new set of nails for her dance next week. Someone told me to block her but that'll just be an earful I don't need and I can't ignore her either.

Do I say something like "I got my nails done less than a week ago and am not due yet but thanks for the invite"?? I think she wants this for self gain but maybe she's trying to do something for spring break and MAYBE she wants to spend time with her good ole SM.... Yeah right. Do I ask *when* she's coming back just to see her motive?

Ignoring her isn't an option and I'm sure she'll make her way back over here by Saturday night. My girlfriend invited us to dinner sometime this weekend but no plans yet and DH and I planned to go to dinner Sunday but that's it. 

For the record, I don't want to take SD for a mani if I'm not getting one myself.

Edit: she did say that she wants to get her nails redone gold to match her dress and I agreed and said that I've had a pretty gold before. 

Edit 2: I did take her for a gel mani 2 weeks ago this Sunday because I got one for myself and thought it could help our "bonding" after this CPS crap. 3 of my right hand nails completely cracked so I went in last Sunday to my normal place (they were busy so we went to a different place) to get them redone. SD's Spring dance is next Friday.


notsobad's picture

I would respond with "I'd love to, thank you for thinking of me but I just got my nails done." IF you do want to see her, suggest meeting for a coffee instead? You can buy her a coffee, see if she's looking for something or maybe, just maybe she does really want to spend time with you and fix the relationship.

It's an olive branch don't toss it aside until she tries to hit you with it.

Maxwell09's picture

No. It is your good natured heart that is hoping this will be a bonding opportunity. Your common sense has already told you that she is just using you. Stop letting her use you. If you let them use you, they will keep it up until you have nothing to give then they’ll find a new supply leaving you wondering what happened. Save your money and effort for when she actually deserves it and wants to spend time with you getting your nails done. As a teacher I can’t tell you how many students I hear complaining about how terrible their stepmoms are then within the same class period talk about that same stepmom took them to get a fresh set of nails or new expensive shoes or to get their hair rehighlighted. That’s YOUR skid too. Stop playing the atm, the desperate to be liked stepmom, the Disney parent and teach the girl the lesson she should have learned years ago: you get what you give! 

diamonds-and-lace's picture

Don't do it, because you are just going to come here and complain about it. I just read through some of your past entries and I don't see what the point is. You don't seem to want to maintain a good relationship with her. 

I personally would go and get a pedi, but I actually like spending time with my stepdaughter. You keep saying you're going to disengage and then you don't and then you make posts complaining about it. You either try to maintain a relationship with your SD or you don't. But you seem to be annoyed by every childhood thing she does, so what's really the point? She may be asking you selfishy, she may be asking you because she wants to spend time with you, but does it truly matter to you? You take her and you'll be making another blog entry about how awful she is because you took her to get a mani. 


I actually do really think you should go and try to maintain a relationship with her. But you can't disengage and do that at the same time.

elkclan's picture

^^^This. It's good she's trying to reach out. But if you don't want to do X, Y or Z just don't. 

Lndsy747's picture

I would recommend politely declining. Most likely she's just using you and going with her and expecting things to change or her to be appreciative is just setting yourself up for upset, frustration and regret. 

MurphysLaw's picture

If someone asked me 

“can we get our nails done for your birthday (Sunday)? Or sometime this weekend?"

I assume their are asking to PAY FOR ME to have my nails done FOR MY birthday & pay for their own as well.

 I also assume your SD DOES NOT have money for this “gift”, has her father suggested this to her and offered to pay for it? If not, and SD EXPECTS YOU TO PAY, this would be a good opportunity to EXPLAIN PROPER INVITATION ETIQUETTE.


I love dogs's picture

Wow this cut deep.. This actually brought tears to my eyes in how sad it made me. Of course this isn't SD's idea. DH probably wanted me to do something nice for myself and thought SD could come along and knows we've had our nails done before. Even if SD wanted hers redone before the dance, she'd never ask me herself. This has to be DH behind it.

Edit: It has to be DH. SD doesn't think of me enough for this to happen. I told DH that SD didn't want the hair cut and about surprising her with the brow wax but not using it as a bribe after she'd turned the haircut down. He put her up to it to "mend" our relationship and do something nice he knows I wanted for my birthday but had already had done. OR- on the *extreme* off chance BM put SD up to this to get her nails done for the dance next week.

notsobad's picture

I don't think this is a bad thing. DH is helping SD to mend fences, he's parenting. Isn't this what you want?

I think you are reading way too much into this.

what_the_hell's picture

I would check with DH and ask if he had anything to do with this invite.


Why does it matter? I think everyone is giving this WAY more weight than it deserves. What are the motives? It could be this or that OR NONE OF THOSE REASONS! 

I feel so bad for this poor girl. There is nothing that she can do where her motives won't be questioned. If you keep down this path there will be no relationship with this girl. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

Simply tell her no, your nails are fine.  The day she can afford her own manicure is the day she should be getting her nails professionally done.  Until then she can make do with a nail file and having a friend paint her nails just like the rest of us did when we were 13.  

Ispofacto's picture

This.  SD is spoilt and really high maintenance for someone with no money of her own.

She'll be a burden on her future husband.


what_the_hell's picture

All kids are high maintenance. You're predicting her future?  Wow, just wow. OP likes to get ner nails done. The kid is trying to connect with her on something she knows she likes and you call her high maintenance for it? What the actual...

Disneyfan's picture

When did getting your nails done become high maintenance?

My nieces (20 and 13) have been getting manicures and pedicures with my sister, mom or I since they were in preschool.  

There's nothing high maintenance about a $15-$20 experience.

Funny how the manicure idea is ridiculous( SD's suggestion), but getting her  eyebrows waxed( OP's idea) isn't.

diamonds-and-lace's picture

SD gets her manis done with ILD. She gets her eyebrows done with ILD. ILD appears to do the same, things for herself that make her feel like she cares for her appearance. I don't think there's anything wrong with any woman doing that.

Saying ILD's SD is high maintenane because she engages in these things ILD introduced her to is saying ILD is high maintance too and a burden on her husband too, right?

(I am by no means in agreement with that. Getting a manicure and having your eyebrows done is not high maintence.)

what_the_hell's picture

Wholly cow, some of these responses....

She's a kid trying to connect with her SM with something she knows the SM likes. This relationship is never going to improve if OP jumps to conclusions and projects every step of the way. 

Stop putting the wicked in stepmother. 

fakemommy's picture

What do you want out of the relationship with SD? I mean, what do you really want? Do you want to be two people who happen to be related to the same person? Do you want to have a mother-daughter type of relationship? Do you want an aunt/niece relationship? Do you want to hate each other?

Your perception of SDs motives everytime she communicates with you will deeply influence your relationship with her. Rather than guess that her motives are selfish, maybe just go with it. Fake it til you make it? If she is hurtful toward you, have an honest talk about how that influences your relationship and move on. Try again if you want to, if not, don't. But don't make assumptions about her motives until you drive yourself crazy.

And if DH did put her up to it, GOOD. He's parenting. Teaching her to think of others and reach out when she's made a mistake. She needs that so much.

Disneyfan's picture

The OP has posted about SD's mom and grandmother sending her gifts/cards for her birthday and Mother's Day. (The OP posted some snarky comments about those kind gestures.)

Perhaps one or both of them encouraged and provided the funds for the kid to do something nice for the OP.

While this BM may be rough around the edges, she isn't the crazy, shit show of a BM many posters here are stuck with.

MurphysLaw's picture

If the girl is going to use her gift card to pay for both manicures (even if the idea was suggested by dad) I think OP should make the effort & go with SD.

Disneyfan's picture

I worded that wrong.  The OP received gifts and/ or cards from the OP's mother and grandmother.  That leads me to believe that on some level they recognize and appreciate what the OP does for the kid.

Cover1W's picture

Hm.  Well, this is tricky.  Been there, done that AGAIN. 

My OSD would do things with me, or DH or the both of us only if she wanted something out of it.  If she didn't directly benefit she would not. I mean outright raging, yelling refusals.  Sometimes, she would try to call the shots as well.  Example, I told her that I would take her out to lunch or dinner once a month, just the two of us.  She readily agreed because she loved going out to eat.  We did it one time.  Then she started not showing up at our home any longer.  The last week she was at our home, a month after our "first dinner" (I hadn't brought it up again because she was being truly horrible and had no idea if she was going to show up or not) she asked me if we could go to dinner on X day at Y time (basically the next day).  I said no, because I couldn't give work last minute notice to leave early due to the time she wanted to meet but we could go to lunch that weekend.  WELL - that was NOT going to work because BM was going to meet her after dinner (to take her back to BMs I think, so she wouldn't be at our place after all on the weekend).  And that was a for sure, "I am not chaning my work schedule last minute for you.  If you want to go to lunch this weekend that is fine, but I cannot do it tomorrow."  Because that dinner meeting was just a plan to be in a convenient spot for BM to pick her up, nothing more.

I would be concerned about the way she phrased it, for your birthday. And are you paying for her to get her nails done for your birthday?  I might try to negotiate and see how she takes it.  Would another weekend work better for you?  Let her know that it's nice of her to ask, but that if she could do it with you maybe 2 weekends later that would be great.  If she truly wants to do it for you then this would still be a good deal...if not, she might throw it back in your face.