Poll time: should I take SD for a mani for her dance?

Last week was spring break so SD stayed with us from Saturday evening to Wednesday afternoon. She texted me on Thursday asking if we could get our nails done for my birthday this past weekend. We went 2 weeks ago and she wants them redone for her dance on Friday. BM bought her a dress and shoes a couple weeks ago.

I asked when she was coming back and she said by Friday night. I told her we could see a movie instead since I don't need a mani but she never came. If you're not familiar, the CO isn't being followed and the verbal 50/50 agreement went to shite after the CPS investigation started. I didn't plan a movie and SD didn't ask to come over until yesterday afternoon. I didn't feel like going for a pedi and taking her so we just went to dinner and took her back to BM's.

She mentioned she still wants a mani and DH agreed to drop her and 4 friends off in his '62 Cadillac for the dance. I think SD is getting ready with her friend so I can offer to pick her up from school and take her before and even help her get ready.

But I know I'll get hurt if/ when she says BM gets dibs. I'm sure DH is just expected to pick the girls up from BM's or the friend's house then pick up the boys from the house they'll be at. Do I:

A. Mind my business and let DH play chauffeur

B. Ask SD what her plans for getting ready on Friday are

I don't want to be at BM's mercy for permission but I know this would put the cherry on top of SD's night. I am a bipolar disengager, I know. As much as most of you think I hate SD, I do care about her.

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Option A - come on! Option A

Option A - come on! Option A.

Option A and don't allow this

Option A and don't allow this to occupy and rent anymore space in your mind. I think you're making more of this whole thing than it needs to be.

Option A

So just imagine that you and

So just imagine that you and your DH don't work out and there is a SM who is ok, but she wants to help your daughter get ready for her first dance instead of you. How would you feel?

I'm the least girly girl on the planet and I would be at a total loss in this role, but I would still want to try and help my daughter on this major milestone. I get that you want to be a part of it and there's nothing wrong with that. But you already got all offended when she wanted her nails done at the wrong time for you.

I know I have to be patient

I know I have to be patient for those milestones with my daughter but BM and I both know I'm much better at these things. Plus this isn't BM's first dance. But of course she's MOM and earned all of those special moments even though dad is driving SD and her friends this year because vagina and GUBM.

No, she "earned" all those

No, she "earned" all those special moments because your DH didn't do anything to be allotted time for them.

Also, your DH is getting time with his daughter by chauffeuring her. This isn't prom with hours of prep. It's a middle school dance. Your DH will likely get more time with his daughter than BM will "prepping" with her. He'll have a chance to take pictures, see her in her dress, chat with her one-on-one, etc. He's a dude to a teen girl, so it's not like he'll be in her room as she takes 2 minutes to put on her dress and throws on some lip gloss.

Reality is, BM has "earned" what your DH has allowed. He has had ample time to fix it, and hasn't. Quit blaming BM for getting these things with BM when he hasn't done a darn thing to assert his right as her father.

Right - and although I'm sure

Right - and although I'm sure BM is far from perfect and I realise there's conflict there's nothing you've said that makes me think she's all that horrible.

And yeah - too bloody effin' right she earned some privileges from carrying that child and giving birth* ...and so have you - just to a different kid. One of those privileges is this. Just like the BM in my life has the right to be 'mother of the groom'/ mom at graduation/ dance getting read-ier while I take a back seat. But if/when my son gets married - no other woman is gonna take my place there. Those rights/privleges stay unless BM pisses it away by being a druggie or abusive or whatever - and that isn't the case here.

You are not being 'pushed aside' it just isn't your place.

___

*I had a 3 day labour and emergency c-section with post-op infection. I frickin' earned it.

Ok, for real, option A and

Ok, for real, option A and stop thinking about it.

If it was ANY other time in your life aside from your LAST week of maternity leave, I'd say go for it and do something nice for the girl. I really would. But heads up... Your heart is going to break when you get back to work and you're going to run through all the things you wish you did with your little one before going back. I promise you. Enjoy this time while you have it.

Once you're back at work, try to make sure you're not worrying about SD and keeping her busy. Throw her a bone once in a while, but when you're off work, spend all your time with that little baby and don't you feel the slightest bit guilty. It's biologically normal, and more importantly, that baby benefits on a developmental level from bonding time with you.

SD doesn't need you the way your baby does. Enjoy this last week and focus on her at some other point.

Yes ^^^ This.

I am eternally grateful I'm in the UK where I had extended maternity leave - even though I actually hated it and was soooo ready to go back there's no question that baby needs mother.

If you like being an ATM

Go paid for SD mani, maybe you get a thank you before she runs off to her BM. She wants her nails done, not wanting to spend time with you and seeing a movie. I would not doing anything for SD until she wants to do things that she doesn’t get anything material out of seeing you.

Option A, of course

keep repeating:

No good STEPmom deed goes unpunished

She didnt show up to the

She didnt show up to the movie invite huh? Interesting. Do you want to take her? Like would you actually enjoy bringing her or is it just false hope and relieving guilt? If you don't actually want to then dont. Shes only doing things with you when she wants to or benefits from it I think you should do the same.

You're right. It makes sense

You're right. It makes sense now that you say that. I think what's really getting to me is that DH accused me of hating SD a week or so ago. I was really feeling like I did and I told him so (out of anger). I don't hate SD. I dislike her upbringing, BM who controls her, and the all around life I've chosen being with DH. I want her to have nice things but BM will always get the credit and always have the final say and THAT'S what I'm sick of.

Whaaaaat? You told him you

Whaaaaat? You told him you hated his child?? Why do you bring this drama on yourself?

Option A.

I would choose option B, personally. I would have taken my stepdaughter to get her nails done. But like I said in the last post, you keep saying you're disengaging and then you do the exact opposite. You didn't want to get your nails done with her, that's fine. But by choosing option B, you are setting both yourself and her up for failure. I can guarantee you'll be here upset either way - either that she asked you for help and you don't have the time/desire/anything to do it or she didn't and she's neglecting you.

If you don't want to have a true involvement in this girl's life, choose Option A. You can't say you're disengaging and choose Option B.

Duh, option A

She doesn't want to go for your birthday, she wants to go for her event.

Option A.

I took my stepdaughter shopping for her prom dress, Cinderella slippers, jewelry, handbag, hair and nails. Less than a week later, I was the antichrist who "threw her out."

In a normal situation, I

In a normal situation, I would say to take her if you want to take her. Be like the friendly Aunt. But this is not a normal situation.

An aunt would not get hurt if her niece wanted to hang with her mother on the night of her dance. But you would. You will find any little thing your SD does and will get mad, hurt, or upset because she is not treating you like she treats her mother. So I would opt for option A in this case.

Exactly,

There will always be something wrong. The kid's, tone, choice of words, the way she walks, speaks, dances, sits...everything about her will be questioned and twisted into being a jab at the OP.

The sooner the OP disengages and actually means it, the better off this kid will be.

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Poll time: should I take SD for a mani for her dance?

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