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DH Opposed to BS Dancing

pastepmomof3's picture

Do you have a BS/SS who is into dance? If so, does your DH/BF/SO support him?

I ask because my DH does to an extent but he doesn't go out of his way to be supportive either. Here's the for instance. My SS8 expressed interest in wanting to play either flag football or tennis this fall - both would be 6 weeks long, of which half of them would fall on his weekend. At first he was reluctant but after talking to SS, he sent a message to XW to see about getting him signed up for flag football and we would take him the weekends he was with us. She came back and told us the sign-up time had already passed. Ironically, this past weekend when she dropped SS off, she also sent along 3 fundraisers for SS's dance class. DH is ADAMANTLY against his son being in dance and told her in the driveway that she might as well take them back with her because he wouldn't be buying anything in support of this activity. She insisted he take them and look at them and just as he promised, they were returned yesterday just as they came - blank. We also returned the school fundraiser at the same time with a check for over $200 in sales.

I guess my concern is that by DH being so adamantly against his son's activity, is he giving XW/BM extra leverage against him with SS, maybe telling him things like "Daddy doesn't support you and doesn't want you to do what you like to do"? I don't know if she would ever say that, but I wouldn't put it past her to continue poisoning his little mind about things. Granted, he's starting to see things for what they are, but being told things over and over tends to make one believe.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and offer the suggestion that my DH is afraid for SS and the stigmas attached to boys dancing, or the fear that dancing will turn him "gay" or that he will get beat up for dancing. I'm not really sure what the underlying issue is but I worry that his personal feelings about boys dancing will have a negative affect on their relationship later down the road. :?

Comments

Willow2010's picture

Ugh. I have to tell you...I would be the same way that your DH is. Sorry if that offends anyone, but oh well. JMHO

To me, dance is a girl thing. Especially that young. Now if it was my sons passion, then yes, I would support it, but I would still try to steer him to more "manly" things.

j-dog's picture

Dance can be WONDERFUL for helping to teach balance, coordination, as well as strength-building!
It can be one of the best possible "foundations" for a future sports career! Really!
Maybe phrased that was, as "just a fun kid-thing to do", emphasizing the benefits that will apply to more traditionally "manly" things would soften your DH's attitude?

Moon Child Step Mom's picture

I’m shuddering just thinking what my DH would say if SS6 (SS3 is a man beast already… I don’t imagine any bizarro world where that boy would ever consider dance as an activity) came to him with that request… unfortunately the “gay” stigma is a very real and very sad issue with boys associated with dance. I was in tap and ballet for sixteen years and I’ll tell you, there’s nothing more physically grueling and life disciplining than dancing. It’s a damn shame that boys are so ostracized for having an interest in it… but sadly, I’d say 90% (or more!!!) of fathers would flip out over it…

*laughs*
You could always brush up on your quotes from the movie “Footloose”…

Ren: "David danced before the Lord with all his might... leaping and dancing before the Lord."
[smacks table in front of Reverend Moore]

Ren: *Leaping* and *dancing*.
[stands up straight]

Ren: Ecclesiastes assures us... that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh... and a time to weep. A time to mourn... and there is a time to dance.
And there was a time for this law, but not anymore. See, this is our time to dance. It is our way of celebrating life.
It's the way it was in the beginning. It's the way it's always been. It's the way it should be now….

Moon Child Step Mom's picture

Here’s my “dance” related question for the day…
(I just saw an ad for this crap on the side bar and it reminded me how aggravated I am about this) what the hell is up with that show “Dancing with the Stars”..? I get the fact that they’re a few seasons in now, but seriously folks… freaking Bristol Palin?!?!?

In what world is a crappy politician’s daughter considered a “STAR?”
A trashy tabloid tart maybe… a Jerry Springeresque curiosity surely… but a “Star”?

Television is such a mess… sorry for going OT…

Rags's picture

There is no way to control what BM tells the Skids about dad. Unless your DH can get BM on tape saying these things it is a 2nd party he said she said deal.

If your DH does not want his son dancing, so be it. I too wish my kid would have been a bit more in to manly sports. Instead he was a band geek (so was my wife). That is until he went to Military School where he developed a passion for military drill team competition. He was a leader on the drill team that earned a slot at the national championships for the first time in more than 20yrs for his school.

I was on the drill team when I was in Mil School. Getting hit in the head by a spinning 11lb rifle is far worse than any hit I took on a football field.

We had no issues with BioDad and extracurricular activities for our son. Other than detesting any HS sports "jocks are stupid and so are sports" BioDad had nothing to say about our son (my SS) participating in sports. BioDad had no use for school at all. "Schools should just let the kids do what they want. The stuff they make kids do is just stupid" this was in reference to homework, tests, attending class, etc....

I would counter BMs BS with facts. Any time BM loads the Skids up with crap about how their dad does not care, roll out the facts about how he does care and BM is a manipulative POS.

The kids will benefit from the truth.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

DaizyDuke's picture

that's awesome! and reminds me of how I got (forced) to take Square dancing in gym class (9th graders had no choice.. just got whatever the upper classmen didn't want to do) and I was SOOOOO mad and crabbed about how stupid and queer it was, but I freeking LOVED it!!! Had an absolute blast and ended up picking it the next year.

hopefully some day I can get hubby to move south, so I can put my Doe-see-Doe to use! Smile

stormabruin's picture

If SS wants to dance & enjoys it, support it. Your DH is concerned about the stigmas attached to boys dancing, yet in refusing to support it, he's adding to that stigma. Is he truly concerned about what it will do to his son, or is he concerned about the embarrassment that he'll feel himself because his son likes to dance? I wouldn't put so much into SS being a dancer creating difficulty in the relationship he has with your DH down the road, but instead the fact that your DH isn't supportive of his sons ambitions/interests that will create the difficulty in their relationship.

pastepmomof3's picture

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. This will be the 2nd year that SS will be involved with dance. BM didn't ask DH, she just enrolled SS and came with her fundraisers. DH told her, in addition to the above, that she signed him up for it so she can buy the costumes and everything else...he had no intention of helping her with that.

I agree with the benefits of dance and was friends with a lot of "straight" male dancers in high school but I really do think it's the stigma that is just driving DH away from it.

The kid is dancing and will continue to dance until 1) he no longer wants to; or 2) BM doesn't want to pay anymore. When SS is with us, DH tries to reinforce more "manly" hobbies such as working on cars, hunting, watching football, etc. SS is usually pretty active with other activities, such as boy scouts, soccer, and baseball too. I don't know if this hobby will fizzle out like everything else (although I know DH is hoping and praying it does) but we'll see what happens.

Rags's picture

In HS I took ballroom dancing. It was a requirement to prepare for the Military formals that we had through out the school year.

I can tell you that knowing how to waltz was a huge hit when I was in college. After learning ballroom, picking up a two step, a swing, etc... was easy. Going to school in Az and Tx country and western clubs were everywhere.

I also used to get "loaned" out to my then GF/Fiance's sorority sisters for different formals because I could dance. She graduated with her BS the end of my freshman year of college and lived in a different city during my sophomore year of college. I was the go to default date for Alpha Delta Pi.

So, dance is not a bad thing for any young man to be able to do with confidence and grace.

As far as conditioning, it is a long standing fact that professional dancers are in the best physical condition of any professional athletes.

If you package this as a way to pick up girls and prepare for other sports your DH may get on board with this. Sign up for some ballroom classes for you and DH to attend. He will gain a whole new appreciation for dancing.

Best regards,

DaizyDuke's picture

I think some parents try to live vicariously through their children and most parents want their children to enjoy the same things they do as that means spending time together doing something you like.

My hubby was a big baseball player growing up and always wanted SS11 to play baseball... of course BM couldn't be bothered to sign him up much less take him to practice and games and I honestly think that SS just never had an interest in Baseball, so now hubby has turned his sights on our BS 8 months and is so excited to have another chance at a baseball player.. haha.

I have horses and show competitively and I want BS to be interested in horses, but have already said that if he is not, it's no big deal, I am not going to force it on him.

I can honestly say that I would have a problem (wrong as it may be) if BS said he wanted to take dance and I can promise my hubby would do exactly what yours is! It's a really difficult thing as you want your child to do things that makes THEM happy, but you also don't want to set them up for the stigma, ridicule, etc that goes along with boys taking dance, girls playing football, etc.

SteppingUp's picture

I think that this is definitely giving BM leverage to alienate your husband -- however that would only really have an effect on SS if he REALLY wants to do dance and it was something BM could say, "Well you'll have to talk to Dad bc he won't help you out with it," or something like that.

Get SS's opinion on it first. If he seems to really like dance then I'd say support it. He's still at a young age where his tastes will probably change. Dance will teach him strength and balance and you need that for ANY sport that he might decide to go into in the future.

NCMilGal's picture

My DH is in school right now in TX, while I'm still in NC. To cut costs, he's living with an old friend who's at school with him.

This guy (http://www.ericandgeorgia.com/) is DH's roommate's brother. DH's roommate (and DH too) are big, bad, Army Rangers, never met a plane they didn't want to jump out of, have both been in combat...

Roommate says, "All his brothers are Rangers, and he does THIS. He can kick all of our asses, though."