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Accepting new arrangements

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Sun, 03/03/2019 - 7:41pm

Friday evening, SD showed up at 630pm. DH didn't mention it to me for the first time since this mess. He usually mentions it to me but not this time. I didn't make a stink- she really doesn't bother me when she's here. She sometimes asks about the baby but won't hold her yet. She does seem interested so I let SD pick out the baby's outfit for today and SD seemed happy to do so.

DH took us to lunch today and I took SD to get gel manicures after. I then took her back to BM's. I have began to feel bad for SD again that she has a dad who doesn't care to be involved and a mother who feeds on control. SD mentioned that she has a dance in a few weeks and that she's going dress shopping with her friend. I figure BM will get to help with the hair and makeup even though I'm better at it. 

Then it hit me.... I have my daughter now and now it's my time to help her get ready for dances and talk about boys, trust when she starts her period, has a first crush, etc. It may sound awful but now I am not so upset that SD doesn't appreciate all I've done because I know my daughter will just because she's my daughter.

Yes, DH has 2 girls but I only have one child. I care for SD and have cooked for her and tried to make her feel at home recently but now I am a mom and can have a real bond with my daughter. Also, I have no idea why BM decided DH can only have weekends now since there's been no follow-up with CPS. DH does "get more time" with SD deciding when to come over but the CO would also be beneficial.

Comments

Lndsy747's picture

Submitted by Lndsy747 on Sun, 03/03/2019 - 11:46pm

I've gone through the same thing since my DD was born almost 2 years ago. My SD is alienated and we don't see her anymore but I used to try to do family stuff that her mom didn't do with her thinking she was missing out. It was never really appreciated. 

Having my own now I don't care as much or feel as bad that SD missed out on so many childhood activities or that my attempts didn't really matter. I can now create my own family traditions and be involved in first days of school, holidays, dances etc. There's so much to look forward to.

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Mon, 03/04/2019 - 1:15am

I tried to look back on your previous posts but couldn’t find it.

its hard with all the blended family issues and having a child of your own, the feelings for your own kid(s) are completely different from skids so don’t feel bad about that.

any advice or life talk or just general life skills you teach skids, accept that you will likely not get a thanks. You do it because its the right thing to do, thats at least the way i was raised up. 

My ss was 16.5 when my daughter was born, he didn’t bat an eyelid at her, acted like she didn’t exist whatsoever but would tell his dad in private why is baby crying during the day etc. I felt it was him trying to subtly tell his dad i wasn’t caring for her but hubby always knew what was going on as always messaged me everyday normally to ask how bubs was.

if it were a crap day i vented to hubby and there are moments where it feels like a shitty week for everyone... even now ss is awkward with my kids, hubbys family see how he doesn’t treat them like family but he suddenly shows interest when my in laws come over because a few of my hubbys nieces and nephews really call him out on the treatment because they treat our kids like family and feel offended when ss who’s even more related to them doesn’t feel the same about his half siblings

i know so many people who got siblings when in highschool and they don’t ignore those baby siblings one bit... all i can say is in my case skids haven’t been nurtured well so there is an awkward vibe between them, the pas doesn’t help and it’s painful for hubby to see his 3 eldest struggle to communicate with one another but they were kept apart by their mum for 5-6 yrs so its like they’re strangers in a way