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Happy to UGHHHH!!!!

Happycamper's picture

I haven't posted in awhile well because....things have been going really great. Honestly, the step kiddos are growing up and not coming around much to reak havoc on the old marriage. DH takes them to dinner every week without me and that's ok with me. No fights, no nothing for us! The only thing we really would fight about is the stepkids!!! Well, after dinner this past week, DH tells me that SD19 wants to move in with us. What?!? Now if anyone has followed my blogs, this would not be good for my marriage. First of all, SD19 is not a go getter. She's lazy, dad dotes on her and does everything for her. I'm not even allowed to ask her to pick up her dirty dishes. Dad coddles her. She is not kind to me. If dad is not in the room, I will speak directly to her and she refuses to answer back. I've told DH this, but he doesn't believe me. He basically calls me a liar over even thinking she would do such a thing. I don't want to pick up her financial responsibilities. I don't want her to impede on my home. I would have to walk on egg shells not to say the wrong thing and upset DH. I see NO good coming of this. She is only moving in because her mom is parenting and telling her what to do and she knows dad is the push over. Talking to DH does NO good because SD is PERFECT. HELP!!!!!!!!!

Comments

bananaseedo's picture

Just say NO- that it will have a detrimental effect on the marriage-she is now an adult and you have no obligation to put your marriage at risk for an adult.  You say NO-if she moves in I move out...make your choice.  Do NOT back down.

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Most emphatically, NO!

Frankly, the fact that your DH has basically called you a liar is HORRIBLE. I've told my DH some crazy shizzit about BioHo and the skids and he NEVER thought I was even exaggerating, much less lying.

If Daddy is so hellbent on supporting SD, he can get her an apartment.

thinkthrice's picture

(this is why I don't believe in jointly owned property or joint financial accounts, sorry Dave Ramsey but stepkids are a different world) 

If she moves in, either you or DH and SD move out.

 

tog redux's picture

This is why I don't believe in marrying selfish OstrichMen, who stick their heads in the sand and refuse to believe that their children are anything other than perfect.

If my DH believed I was lying when I said SS did something, I'd be long gone. 

thinkthrice's picture

For every ten men with previously enjoyed families, I'd wager 8-9 of them are "OstrichMen" just because of they way the system is and they feel they have to placate the BM and skids in order to get by.

Once again, to be on the safe side, always go with a man with no kids.   Yes there are men w/o kids who are pscyho but the crazy usually shows up faster than the "good daddy" veneer of the OstrichMan.

Chmmy's picture

Yes thrice. My husband owns everything and all the bills are in his name. If I want to walk away, i take my car & belongings and BYE.

OP... sounds like a double edges sword. Your husband will be pissed if you say no or you get to live with the little brat. Both will negatively affect your marraige. I have my skids living with me...all 4 of them. It's awful. Im dreading summer.

StepUltimate's picture

You have decided NO and it's your home. 

It's all over but the fallout. You are a free woman, NOBODY gets to tell you who you have to live with. No one.

Your hubby is a manipulative, gaslighting jerk. 

lala-land's picture

No is a complete sentence, use it and end this topic of discussion.  Your DH will have to come up with another solution to rescue his perfect princess.  Let’s hope he decides that your adult SD needs to solve her issues with her current landlord, her BM, all on her perfectly capable lonesome. Please don’t let your DH convince you to let her move in, she is not homeless, she just wants to live somewhere where she doesn’t have to be responsible for her actions or choices. And guess what, you will be the bad guy again, if you do so much as express an opinion about her behavior or choices.

notasm3's picture

He'll get over being pissed if you say no unless he's just an utter ass.  If that's the case he's not a keeper.  You will never be okay with her living with you.

Years ago when I said SS could not come to a family dinner I was hosting he was mad for 2 days.  I ignored him.  He got over it.  ETA - I'd invited DH's siblings for a meal.  I had not invited any of their grown children.  

Cover1W's picture

I am a huge fan of giving adult kids a real live lease agreement - outlining exactly what your rights are, and theirs.  And if they violate X, Y or Z, then you can absolutley evict them per lease terms.

Of course, you also need to have first a rational converstation with your DH.  What you expect (including lease agreement - just like the 'real world'!) and what he expects, some compromise and if he and your SD don't comply then you will be leaving.

I would just not put up with a disrespectful child-adult in my home.  No way.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

This is where setting boundaries and rules come in handy.

Discuss adult children living at home. If what you say is true she won't be moving in...

1. Any adult child must be a full time student with a part time job. And contribute to the household - chores, respect of others, curfew and purchases all personal items. 

2. If not a student then all of the above plus a full time job. And the time limit is (enter limit, say 3 or 6 months).

Have this talk with your DH. 

"DH I am not against SD moving in however I want to set the ground rules."

List the above. 

"Has SD met the above? Is she a student, does she have a full time job. Can she respect our household and our rules?"

The answer will probably be no. 

AND...you are off the hook! 

hereiam's picture

She is only moving in because her mom is parenting and telling her what to do and she knows dad is the push over.

This is aboslutely not a valid reason for her to move in. Letting her bounce between mom's house and dad's house when the mood strikes is ridiculous.

Your husband is unreasonable when it comes to his daughter, so I really don't know what to tell you, this seems like a no-win situation.

Harry's picture

NO.  If SD has no interaction with you now.  As in you are not going to dinner with them.  Why would DH think it OK for SD 19 to move in with you.  You have to put your foot down,  it’s No , No.  If SD is more important then you, then DH should leave and be with SD 

Happycamper's picture

I've told him that I do not want our grown children to move in with us. I parent WAY different than him. Both of my kids are in school and work full time jobs. They are go getters. DH and BM have never made their kids work and they have created a very lazy 19 year old. Oh wait, lazy but PERFECT in every way! She finally got a part time job. I would be suprised if she works 15 hours a week because she has certain days that she told them she can't work. Those are days for hanging out with her friends!!! When I said something about that, even though I know DH didn't agree, all of a sudden he was on her side, and said in front of her....I don't blame you!!! I would take days off to hang with my friends too. Like really??? These are SET days during the week. She was laying on our couch on one of those SET weekend days doing nothing. Work started texting her. They were in a bind and asked if she could come in. I said, you aren't doing anything, you should go and get that extra money. She just continued to lay there. She has NO drive whatsoever. There is NO way I could keep my mouth shut if she were living with me. She knows she has dad wrapped around her finger. That's why she wants to move in. If she were in a bad situation at mom's house, I would understand, but she's not. Dad just says it's chaotic....aka, she didn't like something mom said. The skids have never faced adversity. No one has ever corrected them or challenged them. so for mom to correct her in some way...well, it's time to move out because dad would NEVER do that! And, I can bet my life on it...he wouldn't.

TwoOfUs's picture

Yikes. My husband always went through these romantic “maybe this kid will want to come live with us after he/she turns 18!” phases. With whichever kid was almost 18. 

This DH fantasy always struck fear in my heart because I knew I couldn’t do it and would issue an ultimatum or move out. 

I think the kid moving in after 18 is a common NCP dad fantasy because they felt deprived of time when the kids were growing up...but it’s a nightmare for stepmoms and the short end of the stick/the raw end of the deal both directions. NO!!! I don’t want to pay CS to your ex for a decade and then take in the skids the second that last check clears the bank...now that you mention it. That must make me a horrible person, I guess. 

Fortunately for me, none of the kids ever followed through with wanting to live with us. The idea was floated a couple times per kid but nothing ever came of it. 

Happycamper's picture

We are still paying CS on another one, so this would definitely make us hurt financially as well!!!

WarMachine13's picture

Damn that's a real jerk move saying your a liar. Tell him HELL NO to her moving in. Him and his daughter can get their own damn place.