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Jealous of my step daughter

Childless_stepmom12345's picture

So I have 2 stepdaughters. The younger one is awesome. I relate and respect her. She is independent and a go getter. Doesn't fuss about chores. Will roll up her sleeves and help. And more importantly her dad doesn't worship her like he does his oldest daughter who is 20. And you guessed it, she doesn't lift a finger. Now that we've moved in I'm baffled by her selfishness and self centeredness. Now to be fair, she is always respectful and kind. Never so much as looked at me sideways. Which makes my jealousy all he more shameful. And I know my BF feels the same way. "They are such good girls..." so he doesn't get why I'm so triggered. And I barely get why I'm so triggered. I just hate the way he still makes her lunch before going to work. I hate that he HATES doing the dishes and cleaning up but he'll do it for her so she's not grumpy about having responsibilities. It's just that when she's over is so obviously loose my first place. Even the little one resents her sister because of this. So the other day i got annoyed that my BF and I were cleaning the house and they left their cereal bowls in the sink. The entitlement that someone will just clean up after them kills me. I don't have kids but if I did I wouldn't raise them that way. Anyways, I've been in a depression the last couple of days because I am so ashamed to admit that I wish it was just the 15 year old and us. That my heart drops when the older one comes over. That I resent that I couldn't have my own office (I work from home and pay half of everything) so she could have her own bedroom. I hate her and hate myself for feeling this way. And I'm sure this comes from my own abandonment issues and trauma from childhood but I don't know what to do. Therapy has made but a dent in this problem. And bleed my BF heart, he's trying... he's still doing these things for her but he then stretches himself thin trying to be 'equal' and doing things for me. But it's like forced you know. Cause when she's here his organic focus is to win her approval, wait on her and then I'm the after thought. Many times I fantasize about leaving. And I was the one who pushed us getting a house together not realizing what this would be. I don't act out on my jealousy. But my face tells it all and my bf sees and it hurts him. And well there's just so much conflict. This sucks. Advice is greatly appreciated.


Stepdrama2020's picture

Your feelings are valid to you.

What you see is your BF catering to a grown ass adult. He doesnt cater to the younger SD, and doesnt cater to you that way. Even if he does cater to you the sentiment gets taken away because he does the same for another woman, your SD.

Follow your gut hun. He treats his SD like a wife. Either that or he treats you like the child. Either way you are treated the same? That doesnt feel so dang special, nobody would.

You will have members say thats his DD and they have a bond blah blah blah. Yes they do, but the problem lies with the fact that you feel depressed. No one wants to be in a threesome , well maybe not, but you get my drift girl.

Maybe this isnt the relationship for you, since you are dealing with past trauma's. Having a SD on a good day can cause major triggers.

I cannot give good dang advice, but I am sure other members can. What I can do is empathize with you.

Winterglow's picture

She's 20 ... doesn't she have a life of her own? Is she in college? Does she have a job? Friends? How often does she come over? And you realize that your bf caused his own problem here, don't you? She's behaving like a princess because he's always treated her like one. 

Childless_stepmom12345's picture

She might as well be 15. She has a long term boyfriend and maybe one girlfriend.she's so sheltered. She doesn't go out. She studied and does virtual university. At 18 she had a brand née car sitting I. The drive way for almost a year because she was afraid to drive it. It's like her mom and him want to keep her dependent. He is terrified that she's going to want to stop combing over. Partly why he treats her like a princess. But isn't that inevitable. 

Winterglow's picture

So he is emotionally crippling her by trying to keep her dependent on him for his own selfish reasons. He should be ashamed of himself. Parents are supposed to prepare you for life in the outside world, not clip your wings... 

Tried out's picture

that she gets her own bedroom at age 20 which you need for an office because you work remotely is ridiculous. That would be my hill to die on. He is showing you how little importance you have for him by that one, single thing. I would make that an ultimatum as of today - you get the office or you're out. It is very obvious that you are going to have to stand up for yourself if you try to stay in this relationship, because you will never be his priority.

futurobrillante99's picture

This 100%.

You pay 1/2 the bills and each of his daughter's get their own room? And one is ADULT. Oh, hell no. She can sleep on an air mattress in your office, but shouldn't still be doing visitation. She needs to get a life.

caninelover's picture

At 20 she can sleep on the sofa when visiting.  Or put a small bed in the office and she can sleep there at night but it's your space during the day.

I resented Bratty McBratFace wanting a room here even at 23!  Like she needed a shrine or something.  Just say no.


ESMOD's picture

Absolutely.. a WORKING adult's NEED for a dedicated office space trumps an adult Skid's need for a "room of her own."

I would be curious what the actual situation is with the 20 yo.. Is she in school? Working FT? Living with mom FT and still having visitation?

At this point, I think the only reasonable options are that you get the office as your primary space dedicated for your office.

SD can either bunk with her sister when she comes (trundle bed arrangement), sleep on a pullout or if you have any level of trust for her to sleep in the office where you work.. you could allow that.

The deal with dishes in the sink is annoying.. My DH does that.. and he also puts his dirty laundry in the bottom of the bathroom closet on top of the scale when he takes a shower.  I have been with him almost 20 years.. I have told him repeatedly that it is annoying AF that I have to lean all into this narrow little closet to pick up laundry stuff when I am getting ready to do a load.  I have a hamper by the washer etc.. he just is so ingrained in that habit.. same with dishes "rinsed in the sink".. I want them DONE.. when we had a dishwasher I was like.. it's not that hard.. put them IN the washer.. why do I have to do that.. you are old enough to know better.. but he was all "I don't know if the stuff in there is clean or not".. Now we do dishes by hand because our kitchen (100 year old house his grandfather built).. doesn't ahve a dishwasher.. so stuff has to get done by hand now... and stuff still sits in the "dirty" side of the sink.. ugh..  

I know his mom waited on him and his brother and father as well.. hand and foot.  old school homemaker type.  And... she was like that with her grandkids.  I told her that the best gift she could give them was self sufficiency.. even if they didn't do as good of a job as she might folding up after themselves.. they NEEDED to learn.  My DH is an old dog now.. it's one trick I haven't been able to teach him..  (he has few flaws.. so I have to let him have something right?).


caninelover's picture

I would make her do that, and she needs to be up and out during the 'workday'.  So if you start at 8 am she needs to be awake  with the bed made and out of the room by 7:30 am - and stay out - until your workday ends.  You can get a locking desk to make sure she doesn't mess with your work stuff.

If that's too early for Princess to wake up then she can stay somewhere else overnight or go sleep the morning away on the sofa.  

caninelover's picture

OMG - flashbacks to the Summer of Terror 2.0 - Bratty literally couldn't comprehend putting her dishes in the dishwasher.  I would leave the house for work with a clean sink and come home with her dishes from the day piled up there.  And I would have to put them away before starting dinner.  

I finally told her that by 4 pm the sink needs to be empty with her dishes from the day in the dishwasher and to stop eating until dinner.  LOL.

ESMOD's picture

But this is my beloved husband..  *dash1*   

He should know better... I have told him.. it's like some huge blind spot for him.  

Have you ever seen the skit of the guy with the "magic house".. he tells his wife the sink is magic.. he just puts things in it and the next day..all clean and put in the cupboard... the coffee table is magic.. he leaves his dirty dishes there.. and trash and dirty socks.. and the next day it is all clean...dirty towels clean and hang themselves etc...  it's like the guy goes around and literally is telling his wife because he deosn't see it done.. it must be magic.. isn't that cool.. she is there barely holding in her rage.

SeeYouNever's picture

You're jealous because of the roles she has for your SO are the roles you should have. It's strange when a man who is courting us is acting the same way with his kid, stranger still when he thinks he's "got" you so he stopped going above and beyond for you but continues to do it for his kid. We get jealous if what we don't have and with stepkids it's right in front of you. You see your SO doing this stuff for her and know he's fully capable of doing the same for you, he just chooses not to. 

Love from your kids is supposed to be unconditional and from your spouse conditional, these guys should know this since they either had a major breakup from BM or a divorce! But daddy guilt makes them try to "win" over a kid forever. It's even worse when kids learn to withold affection to make daddy do what they want.

I think you get along with the young let one because the older is so very obviously the favorite. Even in an intact family that level of favortism is unhealthy and would make anyone jealous. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

HUGE red flag here.

Did you and your SO sit down and really hammer out what living together would be like BEFORE you moved in? Does he have launch plans for each of his daughters? Did you discuss finances, parenting, plans for the future?

He failed to prepare a place in his life for you, and you failed to make him. He's got a dysfunctional situation going on under his roof, which should have been sorted BEFORE you agreed to move in as that was when you had the most leverage. Now he's got you, and you can see that you're just the side piece as his world revolves around his emotionally crippled elder daughter. It feels wrong because it IS wrong, and OSD will blame YOU for any changes he makes in order to keep you (IF he does). It's a losing proposition for you either way.

Read up on enmeshment, aka emotional incest. Your bf lacks clarity and healthy boundaries. His priority is his elder daughter, but he likes being in an adult relationship for the sex, adult companionship,, etc. Enmeshment is a little known and difficult dynamic to change, and even If it should, his daughter will still be a needy presence for decades If not always.

If I were you, I would quietly make arrangements to move back out. Once those are in train, tell him exactly why - you did not realize how dysfunctional his relationship with his elder daughter is. Save yourself, and leave them to it.