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Mad at my boyfriend because the he dont consider my son as part of his family

Rose12345's picture

Hi,
My boyfriend and I have a 5months old baby. I also have a 5 year old boy from previous relationship. Yesterday my boyfriend said: we were going out "JUST US" i thought he meant ME AND HIM ONLY but he meant The baby, him and I NOT my son I asked him why not my son He said because he wants to spend time with baby and I (This hurted me so much)I believe we do spend time together because my son stays with my parents trought out the week and only stays with us on the weekends. The other days I only talked to my son over the phone. I tought we are a family? I love both my children same and i love him so much and i know he love me too. He said he will treat my son the same as the baby but i dont think he is?
Please give me your opinions
Thank you

Comments

herewegoagain's picture

Do you love your nieces or nephews the same as your biological children? If not, why do you expect to love someone that is not biologically his moré than you love your nieces and nephews who aré related to you by blood but not your own flesh and blood? You love your husband but not unconditionally like you love your own kids...but you have a higher standard for him to adhere to. Pushing the issue will only create resentment...not make him love him moré. He might love him, but not the same as his flesh and blood...no different than what you offer others that aré not your flesh and blood.

young_step_mom's picture

You should definitely talk to your BF and tell him how this makes you feel. Honestly, I don't love my SS the way I would love my own kid, but I have never told my DH this because I know how much it would hurt him and I have never said we should go out w/o SS because I know that would hurt him too. I don't think you can MAKE him love your son the way he loves the kid you have together, but he should do his best to treat them both the same and include them both in whatever you guys do. Suggest that if he wants to spend time alone with you and the kid you have together, that the two of you should also spend time alone w your son w/o the baby. You should also think about the way you treat both of your kids. Do you treat them the same? I know a lot of us on here have problems because our DHs tend to let our SKs get away w more than the other kids because they feel guilty about only being able to see them on weekends. Maybe he feels like you treat your son differently than the baby or maybe you act differently when your son is around. You may not even notice that you are doing it and I am really not trying to blame it on you, I just know that this is a problem that I have w my own DH. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but it still hurts me and if this is the case w your BF you should talk it out. Also, he may feel like when SS is around you might ignore baby (or even him) a little. When my SS is around I know that sometimes I feel like the third wheel whenever we go out, which I know is not something DH does intentionally but because SS is around for so little time, DH doesn't really see the problem -he figures it's just the weekend and SS is gone again so it's no big deal. The thing is, even though DH and I are alone all week we have work and other things which really leaves us virtually no alone time. The only free time we have is taken up by SS and most of the time, I am left to enjoy my one day off a week watching cartoons or simply being alone. I don't know that this is the case for you and your BF, and I am not trying to say it is your fault at all, this is a very difficult situation for you, your BF, your birth son and even baby! The only way to make it work is for you both to sit and really talk about it and explain how his actions make you feel, but make sure that you are also open to his feelings and how your actions make him feel. Best of luck, and I hope all goes well. Please keep me posted Smile

young_step_mom's picture

And please don't take it personally if DH tells you that he feels differently about your son than he feels about the child you have together. I understand that this may be difficult to hear, but you also have to understand that your child was your decision -he was not present or even consulted when your son was made and he most certainly did not make the choice to be linked to your ex forever, but your son is now a constant reminder of that relationship. I understand that this can be very difficult to hear and your BF should be sensitive to your feelings, but up until you two met he didn't even know your son existed so you can't expect him to love him like his own son. Would you expect him to love your sister like his own sister? Give him time to form a relationship with your son and hope for the best.

Rose12345's picture

I dont expect my broyfriend to love my son like his own but i do expect him to threat both of them the same way. My son's father is been gone since my son was born and My boyfriend new i had a 6 year old son right from the beginning. and other other hand we are starting a family and i know its goin to be hard. My boyfriend also has a daughter from his previous relationship and i threat his daughter exactly the same way. Im sure it will hurt him if i dont...or if i tell him lets go out just the baby, my son, you and me.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

As a sm here's the thing- a step parents can not love a stepchild like they love their own child. Sure there are times where stepparents DO love their steps as their own but that is not the majority of cases. It just can't be expected that your husband love your child as his own. But he shouldn't treat your son badly either. Has his attitude towards your son changed?has he always felt this way? Idk what to tell you. I know that as a stepmom I do enjoy the time we had with just our bios and dh when ss isn't around. Does your son see his dad?

ConfusedAndFrustrated's picture

It seems to me that the thing you're most upset about is that he *said* he would treat your son the same way he treats the baby, but that's not happening. So, it's kinda like he lied. I can understand how this hurts your feelings, and I also understand what others are saying about your son not being his bio child. I don't know what to tell you other than to talk to your boyfriend about it. If this is a deal-breaker for you, then you may want to get out now before y'all have anymore kids. I am also curious as to why your son is living with your parents? I'm sure him not being in the house with y'all doesn't make it easier for your boyfriend to try and change his behavior toward your son.

starfish's picture

this is a losing battle..... i know i could NEVER love skids or even treat skids the same as i would if i had a bio. hell, i don't even treat skids with the same love i do my animals.

sadly it seems your choices are to get used to it or move on......