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Nothing to do with BM etc... Just have nobody else to talk to...

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Ok, so ive been thinking A LOT about an ex lately.
The situation is that we had a rocky relationship about 13 years ago. It ended badly and I was left heart broken, infact i never truely got over him. He was the love of my life. Over the past 13 years we have come together again on and off, and always fallen out after a few months because, as it turns out, we both have regrets about how things ended before. So we fight. When I say "come together" I mean we have been friends nothing more. - ive always wanted more but never had the courage to tell him for fear of rejection.
Over the years he has really been there for me. He was there for me when I was pregnant and when my daughter was born and i found myself to be a single mother. He came to see us at the hospital and came every weekend and some week nights for the first 3months of my daughters life. We were starting to feel like a proper family! until the day he told me he was going on a date with a woman he had met online!! I behaved badly, I got angry. I didnt want him to be with anybody else and it was that simple, I never told him that. I made an excuse about how id told my friends i wanted them to meet him on that day as he'd been such a great friend to me, and that was my excuse to get angry. Which is true, the eve of his date i had unknowingly aranged for some of my girly friends to come over for pizza and to meet this guy who had been my rock for the past 3 months. Inevitabley we fell out. And as usual, one of us would always "cave" and contact the other. We fell out again and again every so often until my daughter was around 3. We didnt speak for almost 4 years after the last time, it was the longest we'd not spoken. Then he contacted me one day out of the blue on facebook. We clicked right away as we always do and arranged to meet. Again, we were just friends (with me having feelings for him and not saying anything). I was kidding myself for the best part of 6 months. I thought I could make him love me again I guess. He would regularly remind me of why we wouldnt work as a couple. I thought I wasnt in with a chance of a relationship. So I gave up and looked elsewhere for happiness. I met the man I am with now, and have been for the past 2 years (the man whos ex wife and brat kids have caused me nothing but heartache and stress!!) I told him that I had met someone (much like he did to me when my daughter was 3months old) He then confessed he was actually in love with me, he even proposed to me! But there was something about the things he said, and the way he said them that just made me feel like rather than wanting to be with ME, he just didnt want to be on his own!(he proposed in mcdonalds drive thru car park, and offered me a ring he had brought for his ex girlfriend!!) He has also done this once before, many years ago, he asked me to leave the man i had been dating to make a go of it with him. I did, and he then dumped me the very next day, leaving me heartbroken again. He only wanted me when he thought he couldnt have me! (the guy I was dating is now a DR and quite famous in palenotology too!!)
I think i did the right thing by not choosing him. He was useless with money and I just couldnt be 100% sure that he was sincere in his feelings for me. But I miss him. I mean I really miss him. I think about him far more than I should even 2 yrs on. I feel like my heart is broken all over again, its like ive lost my right arm. And now I know that I cant just "cave" and contact him again if the pain gets all too much because im moving in with my OH of 2 yrs. Who I do love and care for, but the relationship i have with him is very different to what i have always had with my ex. (and my OH is also RUBBISH with money, so ive not gained anything there!!)
I want to talk to my friends about it because my feelings are driving me insane!! But I cant because now they are all "our" friends and I dont want my OH to find out. He knows that my ex asked me to marry him when I met him, and he knows that I had to make a choice between them. So he hates my ex. I dont blame him. He was a threat to him. I wish I didnt feel this way and I dont know how to deal with it.


Rhyleighblue's picture

What you need is counseling. You have low self esteem and that's why you keep going back to the same man who is (actually) abusing you. Yes, he did abuse you and a part of you knows that this is true. There is a survival instinct in you that wants to avoid that kind of abuse again, but there is also the low self esteem that craves the abuse for some reason.

You need to see a professional to help you figure out why you crave punishment. That is the only way that you can exorcise this unhealthy hunger for a man who (in your own words) doesn't really want you but doesn't want you to be with anyone else, either.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Thanks. Just to make it clear, I have cut all ties with my ex. I did that when I chose to be with my OH two years ago because I knew that was what I had to do. Nothing is happening behind my OH's back, other than the fact that I cant stop thinking about my ex which im obviously not about to confess to my OH. It all still feels like it only happend yesterday.
Ha Ha, maybe i do need counceling!!

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

OH = Other half.

He said he just didnt "feel right" about having a relationship with me. That is the only explaination as to why he dumped me the next day. Funily enough, when i talked to my OH about mine and my ex's history he said he thought he had been manipulating me emotionally. I dont see it like that. But people keep telling me that he was in many ways abusive. Possesive, yes he was certainly that. But im not sure id go so far as to say abusive.

I really dont like the turbulance. I could do without that!! I didnt know what my OH's ex was like until i was already involved and wanting to stick with my OH. I only found out about her behaviour when I started to spend more time with his children, and found out just how troubled they are, its not their fault, but sometimes I just cant handle them (they are 8 and 6). The children have told me half of it, I have seen for myself the rest...BM = Mental.

I agree that he needs to handle his ex and get that side of things under control, which he is not doing, and he is doing nothing to handle the way she treats the children (she beats them, skips meals - general neglect, which ive reported to social services, but they have done nothing surprise surprise)

I think my feelings for my ex are pretty messed up. I think i am having serious doubts about my current relationship, and if i'll be truely happy with him in the long term, and ive told my OH that too. But then if I dont try, I wont know. I think its stupid to throw away 2 years because I cant handle the way his ex and his children behave! That also would screw up our children even more which would not be fair when theyve only just got used to the whole step parent idea. When we are together we are great and we just fit. When the children are with us, i admit i find it stressful and I dont generally enjoy it. But I do have a good relationship with them despite that fact. I want to make this work. I just wish I could get my ex out of my head.
I wonder if im feeling this way because in the past it has always been easy just to run to him when things get tough. But I dont have that now. The reality of what I have done and what I am about to do is maybe sinking in. Its a big step to move in with somebody, especially when you are not sure if you can handle the whole package... maybe im just scared?

stormabruin's picture

You mention that it's stupid to throw away 2 years, but there is another way to look at it.

I don't see it as throwing away 2 years if you've learned something about yourself in that time. I see it as valuable lessons learned from experience that you will carry forward in your search for happiness.

If you see it as throwing time away, how will you feel another year from now, when you realize you've "thrown away", not 2 years, but 3?

I'm not saying you should leave your OH. I'm saying you need to determine whether or not you can feel happy in a life with him. His kids & his ex aren't going to go away. Can you find happiness with them present?

If you're having doubts about this move, don't make it. If you find things stressful, don't put yourself in a situation where you don't have a place to escape to.

Maybe you are just scared, but we have those feelings for a reason. If you aren't sure you want do this, don't. You are entitled to make that decision. Relationships are supposed to feel good. If this doesn't feel good, you're not ready.

stormabruin's picture

You already know that you deserve better than what your ex is willing/able to provide in a relationship with you. You've been there. Above, you made a list of why things were not good between the two of you.

It sounds like you don't necessarily miss the man as he is, but rather wish he could've been different...better.

Focus on the relationship you're in. Decide whether your OH is bringing what you need him to bring to the table. Determine whether or not you are happy with him. If you are, focus on strengthening your relationship with him.

If you're wanting something different, bring closure to what you have & then move forward.

You deserve to feel happy. It's up to you to find whatever gets you there.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Thanks all. You've really given me a better perspective on things. I think i need to have a serious think and maybe discuss my worries with my OH again.

young_step_mom's picture

When DH and I moved in together, I kept thinking about and ex of mine. He and I dated very briefly but he was much more into the relationship than I was. It wasn't fair to him and I ended it. We became friends after our relationship ended but he told me he knew we would end up together even if we weren't together now and I told him we couldn't be friends anymore because I didn't think he understood that I was never going to want anything more from him and I was never going to give him more of myself. He and I were friends on and off for years and I know sometimes I strung him along when I was lonely and it wasn't fair to him. I was a real shit and he was pretty perfect. Definitely perfect on paper but I just never felt anything romantic for him.

Well when I was getting ready to move in w DH I thought about this ex a lot. I felt guilty about how terrible I had been and I kept kicking myself because I had never really given him a chance. I heard he got married, joined the air force and moved to germany. I imagined all the fun times he and his new wife must be having, alone together in a new country, making memories and discovering this new place together. I kept putting myself in her shoes, wishing I had given him the chance he so desperately wanted.

The truth is, I was just jealous of all of these amazing things happening to someone I knew, something I could have been a part of. Instead, I was constantly fighting about a bitch BM and spending EVERY weekend w a child that isn't mine instead of spending alone time making memories w my DH who I adore. I didn't really want my ex back, I just wasn't ready to let go of all the things I THOUGHT I would and should be doing at that stage of my life, and I wasn't ready for the trade in SS and BM.

But this ex and I never worked out and there was a reason for that. I think there is a reason you and your ex never worked out and maybe you don't really miss him you miss what he represents and maybe you aren't quite ready for the new chapter of your life. It definitely is a big step and not one that should be taken lightly.

Did this just make me seem like an old, bitter, resigned, resentful woman? Someone please tell me because I definitely felt like the old lady in titanic when she is retelling the store of the love of her life and how she just gave it up because he dies and married someone else blah blah blah. Especially since I am not that old!

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Ha ha! No, you dont sound old, or resentful etc in any way to me. I can relate to some parts of your story and I think in my case, I definately have a touch of cold feet.
Am I ready to take on BM and their screwed up little monsters full time? - No way. Will I ever be ready?? - I dont think anything or anyone can prepare you for that. I guess I just need to deal with it as it comes and just to do the best I can by them and us. Anyway I am the one who paid the deposit on our place, so i'm tied in financially now. Just trying to get a place in a good school for my daughter then im off!! (OH is living there and has been since June because its taken ages to sort schools out for my daughter!!) Its all been a bit disjointed I guess.