Nothing to do with BM etc... Just have nobody else to talk to...
Ok, so ive been thinking A LOT about an ex lately.
The situation is that we had a rocky relationship about 13 years ago. It ended badly and I was left heart broken, infact i never truely got over him. He was the love of my life. Over the past 13 years we have come together again on and off, and always fallen out after a few months because, as it turns out, we both have regrets about how things ended before. So we fight. When I say "come together" I mean we have been friends nothing more. - ive always wanted more but never had the courage to tell him for fear of rejection.
Over the years he has really been there for me. He was there for me when I was pregnant and when my daughter was born and i found myself to be a single mother. He came to see us at the hospital and came every weekend and some week nights for the first 3months of my daughters life. We were starting to feel like a proper family! until the day he told me he was going on a date with a woman he had met online!! I behaved badly, I got angry. I didnt want him to be with anybody else and it was that simple, I never told him that. I made an excuse about how id told my friends i wanted them to meet him on that day as he'd been such a great friend to me, and that was my excuse to get angry. Which is true, the eve of his date i had unknowingly aranged for some of my girly friends to come over for pizza and to meet this guy who had been my rock for the past 3 months. Inevitabley we fell out. And as usual, one of us would always "cave" and contact the other. We fell out again and again every so often until my daughter was around 3. We didnt speak for almost 4 years after the last time, it was the longest we'd not spoken. Then he contacted me one day out of the blue on facebook. We clicked right away as we always do and arranged to meet. Again, we were just friends (with me having feelings for him and not saying anything). I was kidding myself for the best part of 6 months. I thought I could make him love me again I guess. He would regularly remind me of why we wouldnt work as a couple. I thought I wasnt in with a chance of a relationship. So I gave up and looked elsewhere for happiness. I met the man I am with now, and have been for the past 2 years (the man whos ex wife and brat kids have caused me nothing but heartache and stress!!) I told him that I had met someone (much like he did to me when my daughter was 3months old) He then confessed he was actually in love with me, he even proposed to me! But there was something about the things he said, and the way he said them that just made me feel like rather than wanting to be with ME, he just didnt want to be on his own!(he proposed in mcdonalds drive thru car park, and offered me a ring he had brought for his ex girlfriend!!) He has also done this once before, many years ago, he asked me to leave the man i had been dating to make a go of it with him. I did, and he then dumped me the very next day, leaving me heartbroken again. He only wanted me when he thought he couldnt have me! (the guy I was dating is now a DR and quite famous in palenotology too!!)
I think i did the right thing by not choosing him. He was useless with money and I just couldnt be 100% sure that he was sincere in his feelings for me. But I miss him. I mean I really miss him. I think about him far more than I should even 2 yrs on. I feel like my heart is broken all over again, its like ive lost my right arm. And now I know that I cant just "cave" and contact him again if the pain gets all too much because im moving in with my OH of 2 yrs. Who I do love and care for, but the relationship i have with him is very different to what i have always had with my ex. (and my OH is also RUBBISH with money, so ive not gained anything there!!)
I want to talk to my friends about it because my feelings are driving me insane!! But I cant because now they are all "our" friends and I dont want my OH to find out. He knows that my ex asked me to marry him when I met him, and he knows that I had to make a choice between them. So he hates my ex. I dont blame him. He was a threat to him. I wish I didnt feel this way and I dont know how to deal with it.