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I FEEL HORRIBLE!! UGHH I JUST WANNA PUT MY FACE IN A PILLOW AND SCREAM!!!!!

Mami.Dee's picture

after 3months of BM keeping stepson away we finally get him every weekend again,last week was the first weekend and it went good. Today he's coming and im so bothered! i dont like feel like this, it makes me feel like a horrible person!... i know nothing is ever a kids fault which is one reason i feel so guilty, but i cant stand being around him half the time i feel so much resintment towards him! the reason whyis i was recently pregnant with mine and my fiance's first bio kid together and it was the worst pregnancy of my life! i had so much stress his family acted like i was just a girl he got pregnant again, his mom and sister are completly jealous of me in a way that they fight me over him because they dont get his full attention anymore. they used my stepson as their bait and well for a while it worked. i was so close to my stepson ever since i met him up until i was 3months i started not "liking" him. my fiance did not make things any better he would spoil this little brat and push me n our son away on top of all this i had major complications with my pregnancy. at 5months i lost our son, since then ive tried to get close nd let my anger go towards my SS and my fiances family but i cant.! i feel its their fault as well as his as to why i lost my baby with their ridiculous stress! i know SS has no fault really its his dad but i feel it towards him because he would always make it a competition over his dad thats wat has gotten to me !! Has anyone else felt like this? i feel like a bad mother and SM Sad

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Mami.Dee's picture

yes thats the correct term(:

When i was 4months i went to the e.r due to major cramps and their they told me he had a condition i forgot the name of it but anyhow his skin did not close all the way on his belly button area so his orgins were out, from birth they would've done surgery to close it up.
The second time i rushed to the e.ragain from cramps but i also had bleeding, thats when they gave me the news. i was in shock so didnt listen to much i told them to tell my fiance because i was to emotional but from what i did hear, he had lack of oxegyn due to his codition.

And yes sadly people do view things as in the way you said,i mean my family looked at him like he was gonna be a fuck up like my two childrens dad once they found out, so i kinda expected his to feel the same way but they completely went off left field! even after the fact i was fiance they got worse. they ignore me half the time, act so freakin rude, i dnt get invited they expect him to go alone. and then he gets mad at me that im the one not accepting them..well why would i being treated like that..And as of SS yea alot of the times i feel like im directing it towards him which makes me feel bad but he does things to just get under my skin, i mean correct me if im wrong but no kid should try to compete against an adult and no SM should feel like her SK is making a competion. he gets treated like royalty when he comes bcus its only 2 days while my two get the discipline,chores (mind you their only 2 and 3, and hardly get acknowledge by their good things except from me. -.- and no my fiance just told me because SS is not use to sleepng alone he gonna sleep with us hes freaking 6, my kids arent even aloud to and they cry !!ughhh sorry im rambling lol

queenofthedamned's picture

That is such a load of crap. I've lost several pregnancies. Nothing anybody says can make it better, and frankly the religious bs just makes it worse. Am I, or is the op, somehow worse than these fucking drug addict loser bms who pop out kid after kid and can't take care of them? Or abuse/neglect them? God decided that I can't have a baby but somehow these crack whores can? If so then god can go to hell.

Sorry if I offend but man that shit pisses me off.

Mami.Dee's picture

thats exactly how i feel all these bad moms who dont want kids get them and the good ones have issues!!! this is the hardest loss i have had

queenofthedamned's picture

I get what you are saying but the pain of losing a wanted child is in itself unbearable. There is no justification - spiritual or other - that makes it better. Sorry but if you haven't lived it you can't understand it.

Yep I'm definitely angry about it all, especially since I spent years getting religious/spiritual crap shoved down my throat by people who couldn't possibly get it. Losing a baby sucks. Period. Dot.

queenofthedamned's picture

Wow - I am sorry for your loss as well. I cannot even imagine your hurt. I didn't mean to jump on you - I know you've been feeling attacked a bit here today - it's just an issue with me. My ex in laws were awful people who proclaimed themselves as "christian" and "pro life" but who couldn't understand why my pregnancy losses made me sad. Anyway, I apologize for being a bit jumpy about it. I am an atheist but was raised Catholic, and I can totally understand why people turn to spirituality in times of distress. It just doesn't work for me.

If you ever want to discuss this further feel free to pm me. And please understand I meant no offense.

queenofthedamned's picture

OMG you just gave me a flashback of my ex in laws! "let's join hands and pray.... and then degrade everyone who disagrees with us!"

Shook's picture

LOL Queen. You mean you were married to my in-laws?
Thanksgiving with them is always a blast. Apparently, the guest (me) gets to say a prayer before they start questioning my religious & political beliefs right before the salad finishes lol

Shook's picture

Oh that's what happened! Wow dogs really get into some crazy things. Think my dogs would be to terrified to touch them. Just a whole lot of barking. Hope they won't challenge them again. Thank goodness you were there!

Shook's picture

I thought you told me you were forgiven??
Now what is with this offensive GB word being used here for??
Last time I wear spanks to a prayer circle!

Shook's picture

I'm here for the prayer circle.
I can't kneel today though. My spanks are killing me.

queenofthedamned's picture

Thanks dtzy. I was feeling REALLY bad about jumping on someone with a murdered child when I've only had to endure the trauma of recurrent pregnancy loss. Ha! She got one thing right though - a loss is a loss, and no one's pain trumps anyone else's.

Some people are just bizarre.

queenofthedamned's picture

Just Wow, are you a recurrent pregnancy loss survivor too? Yep, someone in my life is ALWAYS pregnant, and they're usually 17. SIGH. PM me anytime if you want to commiserate.

Shook's picture

OH JWow! I'm so sorry to hear that.
Wow you're a strong lady. Your bright disposition is really inspiring! xo

Shook's picture

JWow, if you were here, we'd give you big hugs. Listen your skid& all your relative's kids are lucky to have you around them Smile

Shook's picture

I have friends that were adopted. They love their adopted parents. Some even helped them find the kids bio parents when they went searching for them. Think that's wonderful:)

queenofthedamned's picture

. Hugs girl. I've had 8 miscarriages and every one has ripped my heart out. I put my career on hold to have babies and that didn't work out. My time is running short - I'm 35 - so now I am focusing on career but I don't think I'll ever get over not having a family of my own.

nothinforya's picture

Oh boohoofuckinghoo. Poor gang banged baby. Wahhhh, wahhhh.....

Were you also abducted by aliens?

Mami.Dee's picture

im not really spiritual or religious i mean im catholic but i dont get deep into all that religious stuff.

Mami.Dee's picture

im looking into counseling so i can start going i think i really need it !!! i think it will help get alot of closure and mabeye even help with my issues of SS. ok thank you(: this is whole stepmom and crazy stuff is new to me it'd help to have someone to talk to and can understand me.