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Just copied my own response to a blog entitled "why do your skids exist" thought id blog it because it is a bug bear of mine....

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Ugh this is a topic which regularly does the rounds in my head, and I never understand it - I just make myself wound up and angry and it makes my stomach do loops with that horrible *I think im going to be sick* feeling.

SO apparently never liked BM. He realised the day they moved in together that she was a nut job and totally changed once she had gotten her claws into him. SO is from Scotland and had no family or close friends down here, he had not been here long before he met the psycho and I think he saw her as some kind of security for him, he was early 20's at the time and she is 12yrs older!

But none the less, SD8 was planned. He says when she told him she was pregnant his heart sank and he cursed himself for being so stupid. Well sorry, but he says they had been trying for a few months before she fell pregnant - HE DELIBERATELY HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A NUT CASE WHO HE HATED WITH A VIEW TO ALLOW IT TO BREED?????!!!!!! WTF??????? or just the fact that he had sex with it AT ALL I cant compute. :sick:

She then of course told him that he had to marry her. He was brought up catholic and thought it was the right thing to do. - I would say that getting her sterilised would have been more favourable but no, they then went on to have another baby a couple of years later. SS5. Troubled little soul that he is. Its tragic really.

Makes me so so angry!! I just want to scream at him and punch him for his mistakes! I am now having to deal with his wrong doings and his two children are suffering for it too with living with a woman who is emotionally unstable and spiteful and all that goes with it. How selfish of him not to think this through!! How can you plan to allow somebody like that to breed when YOU dont even like them and you knew your relationship was doomed to fail!!?? Did he never stop to think that if she is a psycho, plus her father is also a psycho what will her spawn turn out like???!!!!

ARGH! Wish I hadnt started thinking about this now! Grrrrr :sick: !


Bio father's picture

I understand you're mad but why call his kids a mistake, secondly you say she told him he had to marry her, I don't care what my religion is, no one can tell you you have to marry them and you actually do it and blame it on religion. What we have been through in our 20's helped us grow to who we are today so maybe that situation made him the better person that you fell for.

Anywho78's picture

AMEN to that! Pretending that every single child born on this planet is a "gift from god" or "a miracle" is just stupid!

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Granted, I agree, but I dont see the point in blaming a child for its parents mistakes though.
Most irritating behaviours in children (with exception of those with other issues out of anybody elses control) is a total product of bad parenting. Not often the kids fault, it is being taught to be that way. But I guess sometimes it can make you resent them for their behaviour, even if it is all they have ever known themselves.

My own child was an accident. She is not a gift from god, she survived a difficult pregnancy and birth, is that a miracle? - she was left slightly brain damaged because of it and is 8yrs old and can't read or write... hmm I think not. But then she has been very lucky to survive and is very quick witted and clever despite not being able to get her thoughts down on paper.

Also I imagine that all those starving babies, or those born with aids, drug addictions etc are neither gifts from god or miracles, they are unfortunate products of sick or poor individuals who cant keep their pants on...

Anywho78's picture

I never said blame the kid...but I'm not going to argue that some kids are in fact MISTAKES.

My SD's behavior is GENETIC...SO & I are not NPD...her BM is. She sees her BM for less than 1 week per year yet everyone that knows BM (MIL & other family) call SD8's behavior out as being "JUST LIKE HER MOTHER" (not to her face...always out of earshot) SD has had next to nothing to do with her BM since your statement "Most irritating behaviors in children (with exception of those with other issues out of anybody elses control) is a total product of bad parenting." is ludicrous to me. SOME behaviors are caused by bad parenting while others are caused by bad breeding. Again, not the kids fault but certainly not something I am going to take blame for.

When SO is agitated about SD or SS's behavior that stems from genetics, he gets snippy with me...who obviously has NO blame for these issues. I simply remind him, with a smile that he needs to learn to work with the SKids to get rid of such horrendous behavior stemming from the woman who spawned them.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

I dunno, I think that what you are describing is covered by what I said in the bracket there "(with exception of those with other issues out of anybody elses control)"... These issues are clearly not in your control if you believe them to be genetic traits rather than parental conditioning. I can relate to this in the sense that BM shows signs of scitzophrenia, her father has a severe case of the same, and it is a worry that both SKIDS (although more so SS5) seem to behave the way she does at times. At the moment it is hard to know if they are learning from her, or are showing genetic issues. I.e ss gets really flustered when out in public and thinks people are watching him. He has been utterly paranoid that people are staring at him and really goes into a fit of rage about it or just cant cope and has a crying fit.

His mother is so paranoid about her neighbours "watching them" that shes put screens up around her front porch so that they cant spy on them.

Is he copying his mothers behaviour with the paranoia, or is he showing signs of mental unrest even at this age?

In our case, he has not been separated from BM to be able to see which it is. I suspect SS may have genetic-emotional issues whereas SD8 is just being influenced by her mothers personality because she seems to be able to cope more with life in general.

Anywho78's picture

Honestly, most of my SKids annoying behaviors are completely sucks. We (SO & I) are doing all we can to "bring them up right" & our hard work is paid off with well...crap. FUN FUN. It's probably one of the most annoying situations I've found myself in to date...& I've had my fair share of annoying in my life Smile

Your situation sounds frustrating too...(((hugs)))

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

I even put this to him!! I said its ok if he just loved her once and then it broke down, but he swears that any feelings of affection he had for her died on the day they moved in together because he saw her for what she really was that day.

I dont really know what to believe. I want to believe what he says is true, but then that just makes me angry that he then went ahead and created the situation we are in now.

Bio father's picture

Thank you Mazzy, I know I am outnumbered here by alot of women but I do not like when some people blame the other woman and says she was on the pill or she could not get pregnant. I use to mess with this lady a while back who tried to tell me she could not get pregnant but I still covered my own ass. Now she has 3 kids, non by me though.

Anywho78's picture

I am with you on that point...BM Nasty was convinced (although not from a doctor) that she couldn't get pregnant (after 3-4 or however many abortions) she claimed. Within 2 years of marriage, she was knocked up not once but TWICE with "miracle" babies...who by the way she NEVER wanted...these are words I've personally read (SO shared an email with me about why she didn't want much to do with her babykins). This isn't blaming the other woman's actual fact, in her own words. She's a nutcase who never should have spawned...EVER.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Its more that the children are being mistreated by her. They themselves are of course innocent. But when you see a 5 year old frightend to go home and lashing out kicking and screaming because of it, and being frightend to just have fun incase he gets into trouble with his mother, and when you watch a 7yr old loose weight because of the amount of pressure that the mother is putting her under to spy for her and do what she wants her to do, you realise that letting her be a mother was a massive mistake. (Yes social services were called, no they are rubbish and didnt do anything other than phone BM to ask her about the complaints against her, dispite SO having taken SD(then 7) to the drs with concerns for her health)

When you have to request police reports because she accused him of domestic violence quite early into your new relationship and you dont know who to believe (the police reports state that she attacked him causing scratches to his chest and he had to restrain her causing brusing to her arms)
You realise that it was a mistake for him to have married her.

So yes, I feel that I am dealing with his mistakes, and that his whole relationship with her, including deciding to have children was a mistake. The children themselves cannot be blamed, but they are affected and they have personallities which are sometimes as volotile as their mothers.

It has affected our relationship, and because of my worry for the children's wellbeing it has affected my health. We are not currently in a situation where we are able to go for custody, and in honesty, if we were I doubt we would get it without the children suffering broken limbs or at very least clear signs of severe bruising.
Even if we did,it would be very difficult to undo the damage that has been done.

I think re religion, it is more social expectations and pressures of a catholic upbringing rather than religion itself that was the issue here. He refers to himself as a "lapsed catholic" because he does not practice his religion.
But I agree. Nobody could ever tell me to be married against my will. I think that there is more to it than what he tells me. Which is also frustrating.

Bio father's picture

Oh, gotcha. Sorry, thought you meant they were. Well, yeah I would be worried if my kids acted as if they were scared of going back home. Have you thought about getting them full time

Bio father's picture

She probably did trap him but she didn't do it alone, after only 2 months and he already was having unprotected sex with her. I said what I said for the women who's husbands who were actually in a relationships or married for years. Everyone has different sitiuations.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

I agree with what you are saying, although it has only been in recent months that things to do with her get to me so much. When he first told me about their relationship it didnt bother me at all, I took it at face value and that was the way it was, the same as I was frank with him about my relationship with my daughters father.

He is faithful to me, we love each other and she is no threat on that score. She has caused a threat to our relationship with regards to the childrens welfare - or rather SO's reaction to her behaviour is the threat. SO was reluctant to report her even after SD was loosing weight because he was fearful of loosing contact with the children if she chose to punish him for it. He is in a houseshare so also cannot take the children himself so it was a big risk for him. But I was stressing about what was happening and thought that he was putting his own welfare before that of the childrens and I nearly walked away from him for his inaction. In the end I took a break for a week and left him to sort it. I couldnt carry on like that.
As it turned out, nothing was really done by social services anyway, but now she knows we will report her if she mistreats the children(well supposedly, both children still say they arent being fed properly but SO doesnt seem to think thats a problem, and when I noticed a hand shaped bruise on SD's hand in a photo he had recently printed SO also wasnt bothered saying kids bruise the backs of their hands all the time - in other words he never noticed and so lost the chance to ask her about it and get solid evidence of abuse) ... anyway ive lost where i was going with this little rant!

The point is, originally their past didnt bother me. Now because of the situation, and knowing that she has been unstable for a long time, everything to do with her and her conduct towards the children bothers me.

And yes, you are totally right. I do need to find a way to live with this, because nothing is going to change over night and I am already getting ill with stress Sad Cheery stuff!