Your thoughts on consequences
I am just about beside myself right now, which is probably over reacting, but even so...
I am trying to keep this short, and keep having to delete things. Basically, my SD20 has been living with us for over a year. She came back with the written agreement that she would work, go to school, and care for her baby. (She came back pregnant). The baby is now a little over 10 mos old. She completed a semester of college - that I paid for - at a very expensive online college. At the end of the semester, I discussed with DH and SD, that I would only pay the tuition costs of the local college, which is less than half of the online college costs. That SD could go anywhere, but she had to go, and I would only pay the local prices. In the original agreement, there was nothing about me paying for anything. I just thought that education was so important, I'd put my money where my mouth is.
Fall semester starts in about a month. SD has done NOTHING. Nothing. She is totally going to drag her feet and not go to any class at all. I am SO PISSED. not only is she not abiding by the rules, but in my pissed off state right now, I feel like she is totally wasting the 5K I shelled out. DH agreed to charge her a little more rent. Then in January, when she STILL doesn't sign up - up it again. I want to say and by June, she needs to move out. And on TOP of that - my offer to pay any college? - gone. She has to do it herself now. The original offer was a safe place to stay and food to eat, plus help with medical when she had the baby, but only if she worked and went to college and took care of her baby. Really, I understand that he wants to give her a "chance". how many chances does she get? I am also thinking about a converstation where we ask HER what the consequences should be. DH wanted to say - either go to school or we will charge you X for rent. As if not going to school was an acceptable option. I don't think it is. (I am not averse to her doing some other form of development - like dental school or paralegal - just SOMETHING that will help her get a decent job and get OUT OF MY HOUSE!)
Anyway, I expect her to throw the baby welfare card at us. Here is my reply - 1. You are an adult. 2. You are responsible for your baby, as we have always required 3. You know and knew the ground rules for living here. 4. You are either choosing to leave or go to school - you are responsible for your choices. We are here, but this is how we can afford to help.
My DH has a really hard time with this. I swear I am ready to kick her out now. But it won't work, and I need DH to understand it is not US failing her or the baby - it is HER failing herself and the baby - by choice! What are your thoughts? How DO you teach consequences (especially to a grown leech?)
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Comments
Consequences- my favorite topic
You are SO right, Gertrude. Your SD will forever play on the heartstrings of her daddy the fact that he will be throwing his granddaughter out on the street with nowhere to go!
In my opinion, there should not be a conversation as to what SHE THINKS her consequences should be. As the mature adults who are holding the cards- you are responsible to set the expectations for her to live up to. And if she doesn't, then there are clear consequences in place that need to be carried out. Period.
Having a baby in the mix is certainly a difficult variable, and I know your husband must be feeling terrible guilt, but isn't this also a CONSEUQENCE of HER actions? You are certainly giving her the tools and ample opportunity to make her life better for both her and her child- she now needs to act like a responsible mother and step up to the plate.
Reality is harsh and sometimes not pretty and tied up in a neat little package- but it is reality. Tough love is sometimes harder for the PARENTS to implement than it is for the children to go through.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
tell her to leave and keep the baby
poor 10 month old with a twit for a mother.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
You can lead a horse to water...
but you can't get her to sign up for her college classes.
Gertrude. You have two options. Physically take her and assist her in enrollment or just let her fail and fail again.
For what it's worth...I'm a lot like you. An enabler and nuturing soul and my incapable of being responsible 12 year old is a case and point. But in the end, he's a good kid who has an overbearing mother yet he always seems to excel as long as I push and push and then push some more.
She either needs to learn the hard way and regret not taking advantage of your very selfless offer...or you need to push her some more.
Are you ready to give up yet? Because there is no better day then today....
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I agree, make her
responsible for her own actions. I believe in natural consequences. You can't MAKE her go to school, but you can MAKE her get out of your house!
I was in the same boat
SD moved in with her son. Long story short, she got a job, started school and moved out within a year. Life was a bitch until she left. (Read my blog and see)
She has other options. First, your Dept. of Health and Human Resources can help her with food stamps and WIC. She needs to get a job. HUD can help her with housing. YOU are not her only option for help, nor should you be. Your husband needs to understand that what you are doing is NOT helping. She is taking advantage of it.
Sit down and give her a timetable to get a job and a place of her own. Here in WV, there is even help available to pay for daycare, so she should check into that, too, but she may have some problems since the baby is so young. I am sure that she can find some way to work it out, ON HER OWN.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I know what you feel like and I hate to see anyone feel like that.
Good luck.