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Standing My Ground

frustrated-mom's picture

Last summer I banned SD15 from my home and told DH she couldn’t return until she fulfills a list of very sensible requirements: apologize to me and my son for her actions, sign a Home Rules Contract and act like she wants to be part of our family. SD absolutely refused to do any of these and has been living with her aunt & uncle in another state ever since.

DH’s 92 year old grandmother will be in town next month, and DH wants to invite his daughter to come visit for the weekend while she’s here. To me this seems like a perfect opportunity for him to put his foot down and force her to comply with my list of requirements. But of course not! His Daddy Guilt won’t let him actually see what a hateful brat his daughter is and do what is necessary to teach her to be respectful and to behave.

I tried to explain this to him tonight, but he blew up and told me to forget the whole Home Rules Contract or the apology and let SD come here with a clean slate. He doesn’t want me to give her a hard time and wants me to try to make everything work, avoid arguments and pretend everything is fine (i.e. bend over backwards to kiss SD’s ass so she doesn’t cause problems).

Both DH and I know exactly what SD’s reaction will be if he puts his foot down - she won’t come unless he drags her kicking and screaming and she’ll be a brat the whole time she’s here and ruin his grandmother’s visit.

SD has only met her great-grandmother a few times and she doesn’t care about anyone in DH’s family. So this unfortunately isn’t motivation for her to behave and follow the rules so she can see her great-grandmother (for possibly the last time).

His grandmother lives on the other side of the country and refuses to fly because of the TSA screenings with her artificial hip and pacemaker (she’s taking Amtrak). She’s staying with
DH’s sister for several weeks, and then coming up here to visit.

DH is the only one who even wants that brat here. I highly doubt anyone in his family wants SD15 here and to be reminded DH has a f’d up illegitimate mistake who is an embarrassment to their whole family.

I’m not backing down on this. SD is not coming into my home unless it is crawling on her hands and knees and begging my forgiveness.


3littlemonkeys's picture

I can understand your feeling. After a particularly nasty email from my SD, I went storming downstairs and screamed, "your daughter is never allowed in my house again!!"
Then I realized, this is OUR house, not MINE. I would never tolerate my DH telling me that one of my children was not allowed to be in my home. Never.
I can't imagine how your DH has handled this. Perhaps the two of you can find some common ground? Meet a little of your "wants" AND a little of DH's wants?

Auteur's picture

Exactly! SM requires decent, human like behaviour; Biodad couldn't care less if his crotch dropping walked up and slapped *supposedly* the love of his life.

frustrated-mom's picture

It was utterly disrespectful and hateful towards me and her behavior was escalating to the point that I would not stand for it anymore and her father wasn’t doing anything so I had to. She was verbally abusive towards me, bullied and harassed my son, deliberately failed at school, was so defiant that she refused to do even the most simple things.

The final straw was when she completely flew off the handle and shouted obscenities at me in front of a dear friend to retaliate for being told she could not visit her half-sister because of her grades.

I don’t see any reason to compromise until her behavior changes and she apologizes and acts like she wants to be part of our family (which she’s made clear she doesn’t and she wants me and my son to go to hell).

bestwife's picture

I can ban anyone I want from my home. Period. No discussion.

Just because DH lives here doesn't mean that trash can stop by at his request. Oh no!!!! Not happening. I have a strong sense of self-preservation. I do not put up with crap nor do I invite it into my home.

Yeah she could come with a clean slate IF she had a clean slate but she doesn't.

wolfenstep's picture

Go you!!! I admire you for standing your ground.

The whole "clean slate" thing when nothing has changed or been addressed is a complete load of shit, I agree.

frustrated-mom's picture

I completely agree. She’s welcome to have a clean slate if she asks for it.

If my DS had acted this way (which he would never do), I would ban him as well. But I have actually parented him and he’s not a hateful, belligerent brat like that girl.

aggravated1's picture

I think it is awesome that you are standing your ground. I can't believe some posters think you should just accept this behavior and "start over." Maybe they don't have teenagers, or they must be wildly unobservant of human behavior?

People treat you the way you LET them treat you. If she comes back with no repercussions, what has she learned? That she can behave any way she wants, and will still get her way.

And the whole "this is dad's house too" horseshit? Umm, it's also your house. And when she crossed the line you were completely in the right to make her return conditional on certain improvements in her behavior. I would ignore the comments from others that say you are in the wrong.

Auteur's picture

Usually those who are taking the biodad and skids side are SMINOs namely they have *never* (note key word NEVER) dealt with their own skids for more than an hour at a time; usually an hour a month or so if that.

Or they're BM trollers who see the skid behaviour that we talk about in their own children.

If they truly are stepmoms and are having a lovely wonderful relationship with their skids and their DH seems supportive--it's just that us mean ol' resentful SMs R doing it wrong--I say give it time. At some point there WILL be a loyalty conflict created by either the BM, biodad or the skid.

aggravated1's picture


of course....if the SD had stabbed her with a knife, someone would still be saying "It's dad's house too. how does he feeeeeellllllll?" LOL

twopines's picture

Agg...and there are at least three posters who would say it's the SM's fault for leaving the knife out in the first place.

gijimenez5's picture

I swear that those who take Biodads sides are just BM lol! I see a certain blogger who always makes these judgemental comments yet barely blogs about her/his situation.. If you are having a great relationship with your Stepkid good for you but don't sit around and judge, better give advice that can be helpful.

Jsmom's picture

I agree...SD15 is no longer welcome in my home. DH wouldn't dare ask to bring her here. If he wants to see her, it can be done in a public place or he can move out. She made our lives hell and continues to lie about us to anyone that she can.

Definitely not allowed here....

purpledaisies's picture

Now ladies at thw same time how mamy if us complain and complain avout our dhs not doing anything or standing up for us. This poater is just standing up for herself. She ahouldnt have to let one chikd do whatever tgey want while wveryone else has to follow rules not fair. She is not asking for anything too far out there. She just wants everyone to adhear to the same rules. She is not banning her foe good jyst that needs to agree to the sane rules and not treat her like shit. It really is her dhs fault for nor being a dad therefore op would have banned her til she adhears to the rules.

ctnmom's picture

If someone is enexcusably rude to me in my own house, they do not come back. If someone is enexcusably rude to DH in his house, they do not come back. It's not a matter of "whose" house it is, it's a matter of personal boundries and bieng a cohesive married unit. If my Mom or Brother or Grandmother cussed out my DH, they would no longer be welcome in my home. It's really not that hard to figure out! Stick to your guns, FM. And shame on your DH.

misscinna's picture

My feelings on it has nothing to do with being BM loyal (i hate our BM) or having some magical loving relationship with my skids - i have difficulties too, and i do have a 15 year old. Also I spend all but 4 days of the month with my skids. Sorry to blow a hole in everyone's theory. I'm not here to judge either and I am sure that she had to have done something deplorable to be banned. My point is based from the perspective of DH. That he hasn't asked her to come back, he stuck with OP's rules obviously or she wouldn't be living with extended family. That maybe this just means more to HIM than it does about sd. If she doesn't want her in the house whatever - go somewhere else or make alternative arrangements. I wouldn't allow a thieving skid in my home but I guess I am of the camp that no she doesn't deserve a clean slate without ground rules but that it is important to be the better person when you have the chance and treat others as you want to be treated - regardless of how they treat you. Not to be a doormat but to better yourself through holding YOURSELF to a higher standard than others do when they behave inappropriately towards you. I am not a vengeful person. Bitterness and vengeance is a poison that a person drinks and then expects the other person to die. I however believe that I one day will account for how I lived my life and treated others and they will account for that on THEIR end as well. I suppose my take on it is just different I suppose.