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Stepparenting F'd Up Kids

frustrated-mom's picture

A coworker of mine got married in August to a man with 2 daughters (6 and 9). This is her first marriage and she is very idealistic about being a stepmom. I’ve given her advice, told her to read Stepmonster and about disengaging. But she completely shrugged off my suggestions and says she loves being a stepmom and her SDs adore her. I resisted the urge to laugh.

Yesterday, her new husband came in to pick her up from work with the two girls, who were adorably cute, polite, well-mannered and even hugged her. Maybe this was all an act and they’re little monsters at home, but their dad appears to be actually parenting. I haven’t heard one thing about BM being crazy.

I’ve been still trying to come to terms with the end of my marriage, and honestly, it’s difficult to vent to other people or on other forums about skid issues because they don’t understand. You either have the “of course, his kids should come first” crowd and the bleeding heart types.

Here’s the challenge I think the stepparents that have difficulties are having - we knew we signed up to marry a SO with kids. We didn’t sign up to deal with trying to cohabitate with f'd up kids where there are no solution to fix the problems.

It’s one thing if you’re the stepparent of normal kids who have normal problems dealing with divorce and parents remarrying. Stepparenting For Dummies gives you everything you need to know.

But you at the problems stepparents on here are facing: skids with mentally ill bioparents, attachment disorders, oppositional defiance disorders, all types of abuse, fetal drug & alcohol exposure. What type of book addresses problems you hear about here on StepTalk like skids who aren’t even potty trained in grade school, skids who enjoy making everyone miserable, skids who have no manners, skids who have never been told no in their lives?

90% of the time you see any posts on here about therapy it never works and the therapist is giving batshit crazy advice that goes against the SP. I think the issue is that these therapists are using the same advice for treating these problems in nuclear families or foster or adoptive families.

The issues the stepparents on ST are dealing with are more common with foster and adoptive parents than stepparents. These aren’t the same situation as with a stepparent who didn’t sign up for this, doesn’t have training nor wants to deal with the little monster. Heck, foster parents even get paid.

I had no idea what I was getting into when I got married to my now ex-husband. He never really told me much about what had happened to his daughter or about her BM’s mental problems. She was completely out of sight, out of mind. I never thought she would end up with us full time and I had no problems with my SSs until SD moved in with us.

There are foster and adoptive parents who should be sainted that deal with these problem kids who have special training and know what they’re getting into. But getting blindsided with skids that have all sorts of problems and no control over the situation - that’s a recipe for disaster.

There’s absolutely no support out there for stepparents in these situations. All of SD’s therapists convinced my ex-H that his daughter should come first and that there was something wrong with me that I had problems with her behavior.

Former SD’s therapists expected me to dote on her and tell her how much I loved her. That’s unrealistic for most stepparents, but all the books about dealing with kids with SD’s problems are for adoptive parents not stepparents who can’t stand the kid.

My coworker claims she loves her SDs and I’m certain that’s far easier to do when they’re good kids and aren’t cussing you out and utterly defiant to the point that they won’t do things they want just to be a brat like my former SD.

Bioparents can put up with that crap because they have unconditional love for the kid (well, in my former SD’s case, her BM couldn’t stand her either and abandoned her and honestly, her dad didn’t meet her until she was 2, referred to her as an expensive mistake and wished he had used a condom). Adoptive parents are desperate enough for kids they’ll deal with f'd up kids like her.

But stepparents, why the heck should we put up with being treated like crap by any kid, no matter what excuses therapists come up for their behavior?

Most therapists are used to dealing with SP like my coworker when her SDs hit the teen years and turn on her. Most books on stepparenting are geared towards her to, even Stepmonster.

All of the books former SD’s therapist told her dad to read were primarily for adoptive parents and had nothing geared to stepparents. Seriously, someone needs to write a book about Stepparenting F’ed Up Kids that can provide some help for SPs in these situations. Especially custodial stepparents.

Maybe my coworker will be fine. Maybe in her case a stepfamily can work, but I think situations like hers are becoming the exception.

Comments

frustrated-mom's picture

x-H's guilt was driven by others. He felt judged by his daughter's therapists, teachers, guidance counselor and her maternal relatives and like he had to be something that wasn't possible and ultimately set himself up for failure.

His daughter knew he wasn't being genuine and called him on it. He didn't step up because he wanted to be part of her life, he only did it because he thought everyone would call him a scumbag if he didn't.

When he was going by his gut instinct and doing what he wanted, things were fine. When he was trying to follow the advice of therapists and reading fatherhood books, his whole life fell apart.

He had been doing what he felt was best which was not being part of his daughter's life. Honestly, that was what was best but it's not something most people understand.

That's what's difficult for me to deal with. Former SD is currently living with her half-sister. x-H could have handed over guardianship two years ago and we probably still would have be married.

He didn't really even want her to move in with us. He felt obligated and it was truly like taking a hostile angry foster kid and putting them in a small apartment and all hell breaking lose.

frustrated-mom's picture

I totally agree that therapists jump to conclusions based on talking to the client(s) for only a few minutes. They are rushed and generalized far too much. It’s also a business and they have to keep the client happy and keep the client coming back for years.

But one thing I think is true- most of the training therapists have with stepkids/stepfamilies have to do with divorce and getting kids to deal with their parent’s divorce and living separately.

I’m not sure how much that is true any more. My former SD’s parents never even really dated. They hooked up a few times at a bar when her dad was 18 and on his own for the first time.
2 years later, he got a letter asking for a DNA sample because he might be the father and the state wanted to take child support out of his paycheck if he was because BM was on welfare.

Former SD doesn't have to come to terms with her parents divorce but the fact they were nothing more than drunken f-buddies.

My first husband (my DS’s father) and I divorced when my son was 18 months. He doesn’t remember us together. You see so many people posting on here about skids who are toddlers. It seems like that’s becoming more and more common.

reallifedrama's picture

"(well, in my former SD’s case, her BM couldn’t stand her either and abandoned her and honestly, her dad didn’t meet her until she was 2, referred to her as an expensive mistake and wished he had used a condom)."

Yeah, I know, I'm a bleeding heart, dumb ass...but WOW! That poor kid. No wonder she's f*cked up.
Did your ex seriously call her an "expensive mistake" ffs??????

Glad to hear you're divorced. Congrats.

reallifedrama's picture

You are saying that about your SK, but her ex said it about his OWN kid. To me, that is something very different, even though I personally would never say that even about my SS. Imagine me telling DH, "Oh. hey, since BM got pregnant while she said she was on the pill, I think we could call SS a mistake" Ew, I get the heeby jeebies just thinking a kid would be referred to that way. But, hey, I'm a bit of a bleeding heart anyway, so what do I know. My emotions speak louder than my brain, maybe?

frustrated-mom's picture

I'm not sure if he's told that to her face, but all I ever heard about his daughter while we were dating was complaints about how much of a drain on his paycheck she was and how he wished he had used a condom or given up for adoption.

x-H and the BM were not in a relationship. They had a few drunked hookups at a bar. He was 18 and on his own for the first time in the military. She was 27 with 2 kids who liked to cruise bars. He was stupid enough to believe her when she said she was on the pill. BM lost custody because her crazy ass boyfriend was abusing her kids and then abandoned them.

Former SD is the poster child for kids who never should be born. Her mom did all sorts of drugs and alcohol when she was pregnant, has 3 kids with 3 different guys and is mentally ill. She's the type of woman who shouldn't be having kids to begin with.

There's no arguing that it was a colossal mistake for x-H to have a child with this woman.

bi's picture

i agree. love is something that either happens, or it doesn't. there is no choice involved. i didn't make a conscious choice to love my kids, it's not something i have to make myself do. i just do it naturally and i always will, no matter what. i don't choose to not love sd20, i just don't. she does not bring out that feeling in me. if love were a choice, it would not be so complicated and difficult like it can be at times. it also wouldn't be as special.

Frustr8d1's picture

There's NO WAY you can automatically have "unconditional love" for any person you choose. Otherwise, we could all just choose to love the next person we lay eyes on. Love is way deeper than that. You can't just say, I choose to love this random child unconditionally...that CHEAPENS the unconditional love that bio parents have for their kids.

Why everyone wants to place skids on a false pedestal, I don't get it. They are never corrected or held accountable because they are at such a "disadvantage" in life. Whatever.

stepmamma2theMs's picture

You said that if your ex had handed over custody of his daughter earlier you'd still be married. I'd say you're lucky you got out when you did! A man who would openly call his child a mistake, make her feel unwanted and unloved, not be honest with you about the situation beforehand and try to wash his hands of things is not what I would call a great person. I know you feel otherwise, but as someone who grew up with an absentee father who pretty much ignored my existence through my childhood, I can tell you that the way your ex acted is a pretty shitty thing to do. I'm a grown adult and still have a lot of issues with trust and relationships because of what my BioDad did, and from the sounds of it even he wasn't as openly resentful and dismissive as your ex. And when a kid is made to feel like that by BOTH parents, is it any wonder she was acting out?

I've been pretty lucky with my skids. Even though their BM is a complete insane monster (and I have to say, their dad hasn't always been a model parent either) they've turned out remarkably well. Yeah I've had to deal with some attitude and some rule-breaking but with two 12-year olds that's just par for the course, and it could certainly be much much worse. And I have been on the other side of things, having been a skid myself. I also lucked out big time by having a stepdad who really did raise me as his own (and continues to be my dad, even though I'm a grown adult and he and my mother split up years ago). Ultimately, I don't think there is such a thing as a book to tell you how to be a step-parent. When you have a baby you're working with a more or less blank slate, but every stepkid is going to have a different background and experience of life. No book can offer advice applicable to every situation. But I will say that you're wrong about your coworker's relationship with her skids. Just because you had a bad experience and an out-of-control SD does not mean that the same is going to happen to her. You said her DH is actually parenting, which already seems to be more than your ex was willing to do. Despite their seriously screwed up lives, I have a great relationship with my skids and, yes, they really do like me. And even though SD12 is at that age when most girls are just awful anyhow, she sees me as one female in her life that she can actually sit down and talk to since I'm not strictly speaking a parent (it probably helps that I'm a few years younger than BM too). The kids aren't monsters, they haven't "turned on me" once and they wouldn't dream of being "defiant" or "cussing me out" (whatever they may think to do, the fallout from their father hearing would be worse than anything I could do to them).

Yeah you may think I'm a sappy bleeding heart, but I honestly think that your ex (and, dare I say it, you) were more at fault than your SD. From the sounds of things your ex didn't really give a crap about the kid and only took her in out of a sense of obligation after her mother abandoned her. Kids are smarter than you think and it's very easy for them to pick up on someone being a complete phony. When a little kid hears that she was a mistake, a monster and a brat can you blame her for acting out? She was angry and desperate for attention, and in a kid's mind negative attention is better than nothing at all. She may have had some serious issues, but it sounds like your ex reaped what he sowed on this one.

You're better off not being with someone so selfish and thoughtless IMO.

Irene H.'s picture

No one is going to write that book, because all that can be said wouldn’t even fill a pamphlet.

1. It doesn’t matter what you do.

2. None of it will work.

The end

Etta's picture

I'm in the same boat.  I had no idea what completely messed up lives any of them had been living!  I came from a VERY ordinary home with a good supportive family, and my SO came from a nightmare, and his two girls are still living the nightmare.  BM is certifiable and a drug addict that's been to jail more times than I can count.  As far as I can see, the damage is done with SD9 and SD12.

I find that most people don't understand what I'm doing and dealing with either...I joined a Step Facebook group...I got scolded for calling SD12 a little witch!  One of them members sent me a PM saying she got exactly what I was dealing with, but the majority of the group just wanted to slam BM's and complain about Child Support...I needed advice for real issues!!!  Like how do you deal with a 12 year old that is completely bat poop out of control because her mom and dad haven't parented for one second of their lives!!!  

I had an excuse for my rose colored glass early in the relationshiop - I didn't have them full-time!  After six months of BM being in jail their little masks fell off and I could see exactly what I was dealing with!  Now, SO is sick of hearing me say that they have series issues and he get's his fur up everytime we talk about it, and when I say "we talk" I actually mean I talk, and he makes faces and huffs and puffs and says "Here we go...my kids are horrible and your perfect"...needless to say I'm reconsidering my place in this relationship as well.

The therapists do not work for us either...I think you need a therapist that is like us.  One that has been in the trenches with bad bio parents and their messed up bio kids!