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SD15‘s Report Card - She Failed Five Classes, Even Art!

frustrated-mom's picture

SD15 can’t even pass an art class. She was taking six classes, failed five of them and only passed PE (amazing!)

It’s no wonder, since she absolutely refuses to do anything at school. She won’t do homework, doesn’t even both to do tests or quizzes or turn in assignments. I can’t believe how ridiculously easy it is to just scrape by these days in high school with binder checks and ability to retake tests and redo homework until its 100% correct. But no, SD doesn’t bother. School is beneath her.

After this wonderful academic performance - what did she get? Summer school? Military school? Nope, a vacation. DH let her go back to her hometown to stay with her half-sister (who is 21 and in college) for summer break. So, she gets rewarded for intentionally failing. Brilliant!

I wanted my DH to send her to a camp for troubled teens so she could get the help she needs and someone to teach her some discipline and respect for others, but DH caved and let her go stay with her sister. She isn’t my kid, so I’m not going to argue about it, but I’m pissed off since this isn’t going to change her behavior.

But I'm glad she's a 1000 miles away. It was not helping SD to be living with us and it was hurting our other children for her to be here only so DH could pretend he was being a father to her when he truly wasn't.

I keep telling myself that she’s not my responsibility. At least, her being out of the house is for the best. Things are so much better here at home. I can finally breathe and relax. When SD was here, things were always so tense. Everything was an argument or her blowing up about something.

But he has to get her under control if she’s going to return to our home.

That will never happen, since the daddy guilt will never allow him to actually parent and discipline her. So the best I can hope for is her to just stay with her sister for good. (He says SD is doing great now, and her sister has put her into a tutoring program since she can’t enroll in summer school without officially living there. Her half-sister is in college studying to be a veterinarian, so she has her act together.)

If SD wants to return to our home, there are certain requirements and I’m absolutely not budging on any of these:

1) She has to apologize to me and my son (and actually mean it)

2) Sign a House Rules Contract that clearly spells out expectations & consequences and agree to accept those consequences

3) Agree to act like she wants to be part of our family and treat me and my son with respect.

But she will never do any of that.

We’ve found a boarding school for troubled teens that we’re likely going to need send her to in the fall - if we can work out the financial aid. If anyone has any suggestions for boarding schools (I’d love to send her to military school or some sort of a boot camp program), please let me know.

The problem is she says she will get herself kicked out if we send her to a school or camp for troubled teens and there is no way she will agree to go voluntarily and actually try to work on her issues and get her act together. She will not take any responsibility for her actions and feels like everything is someone else’s fault.

I’m afraid we’ll end up spending tens of thousands of dollars for her to go to a therapeutic boarding school and she’ll be expelled within a week. I know she would do it out of spite and to punish her dad.


Anon2009's picture

Hopefully, she'll see her older sister and how much she enjoys her life because she behaves and does well in school and that, along with the tutoring, will rub off on her.

I've seen military school work wonders for a lot of teens. You should PM Rags and ask him about this. He would probably know the names of some good places. I don't know how easily SD would be kicked out of a military school/boarding school for troubled teens. Those schools caught on to the behaviors that she thinks will get her expelled a long time ago.

Has your DH ever disciplined her and gotten her professional help? If not, he's doing his daughter a huge disservice and is (unintentionally) hindering her chances of succeeding in the real world. Perhaps he could benefit from parenting classes.

I think the rules you have put forth here are very reasonable, and I think you need to lay out a condition for DH too, that being that if he does nothing to discipline SD and get her help that the relationship is over. I know this does not sound pleasant, but sometimes this is what it takes for these men to start parenting their kids.

frustrated-mom's picture

I'm not sure if parenting classes would be helpful for my DH. We're dealing with a 15 year old who refuses to be parented. He's an excellent father to his two boys and my son. But SD is hopeless.

The situation we're in with SD is complicated and difficult. She has no relationship with her father. She truly hates him (and me especially) and wants nothing to do with him.

The fact that DH has been rejected combined with the very difficult life SD has had growing up and how he feels like he's failed her has made it so easy for her to manipulate him with guilt and that makes it impossible for him to discipline her. There are no consequences for any of her actions and she knows it.

But her goal is in life is to move back to where she grew up. That's is all she cares about.

I'm trying to stick things out with my DH. I won't allow SD the satisfaction of breaking us up. Its only three years that he'll be rid of SD. Things were fine before SD came into our lives 6 months ago. I thought I was a great stepmom to my stepsons and our family was very happy. I just want to get back to that and solve this problem with my SD.

However, the impact having my SD living with us has had on my son gives me second thoughts. I won't let her negatively impact him and if it comes between her and my son, it's a simple choice for me.