Help my sanity please
This will be long and extensive but hopefully I stay on track. I am married to My husband for 1 year now. I am 29, he is 28. I now have a SD 13 and a SS 9. There is also a BM that is extremely unhappy.
My hubby and I were pregnant quite early on and the BM had told him that the SD and SS would not meet our bio child or myself until our bio child was 1. The BM was remarried with two kids at the time. She made statements to my husband about our bio kid not being the SD or SS sibling, etc. This is how I was informed of the BM. We unfortunately lost our bio baby early on and the SD and SS have never been informed.
My hubby has my SD and SS every other weekend. B/c of this, we normally don’t have a “bedtime” for them. It is difficult to have chores, allowances, and structured bedtimes since we have 48 hours with them where we want to do activities, visit friends and families, and have sleep overs. They go to bed when we tell them. This has always been on of the many things that BM b****es about in her emails to my husband. BM is a narcissist that is either in love with my husband or hates him more than anyone I have ever seen hate someone. As I stated, she is remarried, yet she refuses to speak to me, I was known as “gf” for two years, and now only by my name. Never wife. The BM is not present for drop offs or pick-ups, she monitors their phone calls with their father, she took away facetime, just any and all things she can control, she does.
We have had to deal with things such as:
“SD face is physically in pain from makeup your gf made her wear” (no ER trip, no photos)
“SD can not wear chokers b/c that’s saying she’s bad” (allows SD to wear a crop top)
“SD can not walk dogs alone” (allows SD to ride bike and go on walks alone)
Basically, anything and everything that the hubby does is wrong.
BM says that the kids “aren’t allowed to take showers here” “a swimming pool isn’t good enough to skip showers” “the kids never brush their teeth so their teeth are bad b/c of him” She drills them about what they have for breakfast, lunch and dinner
My husband is not informed of school activities until too late or even afterwards. She tells him he can use Google to figure things out.
She refuses to let him pay his half of the medical bills to the dr. She charges it on her credit card then tells him he has 30 days to pay her by personal check.
The SD use to have social media and she convinced me to download the apps and she would send me things constantly; we would facetime and txt. The BM would go through our texts and say things were said that weren’t (I still have every text exchange) BM then took away apps. Then took away phone texts. Then out a lock on the phone. No more facetime with dad or I. We are now at SD has a flip phone and she never wants to use it.
So SD use to be close to her dad and I for the past two and half years, the past six months things have gotten bad. The weekly phone calls my husband gives the kids went from over an hour of Facetime down to fifteen minutes of a phone call to now only 40 seconds with SS and no phone calls or texts from the SD.
SD use to have hour long talks about school and home life with BM. She would talk about how BM has scars on her arms from cutting but that BM told the 13 yo SD that it was from a cat, SD told me she knew it was cutting. SD and I discussed what cutting is and that there are different approaches and SD said she knew not to do it. About 4-5 months later we realized SD has shown worrisome signs about emotions for around a year and a half. My husband and I noticed when she is sad or uncomfortable, she would pick at her hands and arms with her fingernails. We started telling her to use a worry stone, to use a rubber band, maybe write on paper with a pen. This would disappear then reappear. We then told her one time that this was worrisome and that she should talk to someone. She screamed that she didn’t want to talk to anyone, we informed her that if she continued with attempting to physically hurt when she emotionally did, that it could mean therapy (which is a good thing to hubby and I but BM and SD have discussed it being bad).
(We hired an FOC for the SC and the FOC said BM harbors so much resentment towards Hubby that co-parenting isn’t an option. SD told FOC that “SF told me to tell you I want things to stay the same or else things will change, I want things to stay the same.” FOC states that SD shows signs of coercion by SF but that things should remain the same.)
We had told lawyers, followed protocol of CPS, etc. The FOC, BM, and therapist all said that my hubby would not be a great fulltime parent being that he thought therapy was necessary when they all thought that SD was fine. BM would write emails like “If I would have known that SD was having issues at your house…” as if it was only us. 3 months later, before our 2nd court date change, the SD was caught at school with self-inflicted marks on arms and legs.
Things have progressed since. The SD is not allowed sharps. Yet she was cutting her bangs at BM. We informed the DR we wanted to be sure she was safe (didn’t want to tell BM and get SD in trouble) Dr told SD we said something, SD began to get angry with us. SD then wanted her hair cut short, BM and SF would say she would look like boy (this would hurt her feelings she told us) SD told me she was going to do it on her own, I informed her I didn’t think that was the best approach. SD cuts her own hair in her room and sends me a photo, proud of what she did, and getting to go to the salon for a haircut she wants. We informed SD we were disappointed and that it was a bit manipulative to do that knowing BM and SD told her no the few times she had asked prior. SD was not happy. She began texting rude messages “Its my pleasure to disappoint you”. We inform her that we can discuss in person but not via text. SD says she doesn’t want to talk. SD stops answering phones and texts.
SD tells DR she is more than depressed, and DR advises ER. BM calls and tells my husband that SD doesn’t want him up at ER. We talk on phone and I tell SD on the phone “it is okay to feel sad sometimes, we all get sad, I understand what you are going through and if you need anything you can reach out” BM grabs pone and says “she doesn’t need to hear that” and hangs up.
We now are supposed to keep away more than just sharps (BM doesn’t tell us for 2 months that books and movies of certain subjects are off limits) So DR thinks that my husband is going against the DR orders, but we just were never informed. SD sneaks out books from our house and gets items taken away from BM. BM refuses to return property. “How can I trust that SD is safe with you” (SD has never cut herself or hair at our house; its two days and we are normally crazy busy and spend a lot of time together)
SD leaves flip phone here. BM emails and texts my husband a lot about how my husband is the only one to “resolve this matter” and how “you don’t care about SD safety” We find phone and he tells BM she or SF can come get phone. BM is angry and argues about that. BM has threatened to call the cops when we were there to drop off fundraiser $$ to SD for school, when we were asking to get our property back when we dropped the SC off. My husband tells BM for his safety, they can get the phone. BM writes emails afterwards about how he is not concerned for SD safety etc.
If it isn’t obvious, I am tired. We have a narcissistic ex (that luckily I never deal with and I rarely read the emails b/c she isn’t my ex), court that is wasting money and time (began in 2018 and still haven’t seen a judge), and a SD that has changed from BM and SF being the bad people to myself and my husband. I have tried ignoring her comments, ignoring her when she is here, crying when she is mean, and last visit I calmly told her that my feelings were hurt by her actions and that I would like us to go back to our relationship and if and when she was ready, I missed her reaching out. She then went to school and told her BF that i don’t like her (my SD) and that my husband and I are disappointed in her (7 months ago I told her I was disappointed from a haircut after BM told her not to).
Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated