You are here

Damaging SD

Frazzled2020's picture

Hello, 

my other blogs explain the issues with the SD and the BM that is awful but I wanted some fellow parents advice please and thank you. 
 

DR told us that all books regarding "depression, death, suicide, bullying, cutting" and tv shows be taken away from SD. 
 

we purchased SD many books for Christmas (before knowing this) one of which is PaperTowns by John Green. This book was taken by BM and is now in her house in a "safe" and she refuses to give back any of our property. 
 

the SD just arrived this weekend with A Fault in Our Stars by the same author. Both books discuss death and depression. DH told SD he needed to take the book. SD began yelling and throwing a fit "BM and DR said I can have it!" 
BM then texts DH that DR says it's okay and to give the book back
 

am I the only person that sees so many things wrong? 
1. Why did we not get an email before SD arrived that the book was approved by BM? 
2. Why didn't we receive this information from the DR in the email? 
3. Why is this book acceptable and the other not? 
4. Why even send the book over? 

 

It looks like things are set up for DH to look bad. 
BM didn't tell DH about the DR rules of taking these items away until 2 months later (make DH look bad to the DR) 

Now DH causes (possibly) unnecessary anxiety for SD by following protocol we are given. 
 

Our current thought is to keep the book and DH to Email DR asking if this book is appropriate and if so, why the others aren't, and why he wasn't informed. 
 

Does anyone else have what I consider "unnecessary drama"? This could be something that upsets SD who already is so controlled at BMs. But not informing information like this just upsets SD and makes DH look bad to multiple people. 
not to mention, it starts the 48 hours off with an argument. 
 

thanks 

Comments

tog redux's picture

Just give her the book.

And your DH has to stop relying on BM for information from the doctor.  At this point, BM has said in writing that the book is fine, so you guys withholding it because you weren't told is just a power struggle that BM will use against you.

DH needs to go to the appointments with the doctor. Most likely, he won't be willing to contact DH after each appointment as it's not his fault the two of them can't co-parent.  But if he shows up for the appointments, the doctor will likely give him an update.

Frazzled2020's picture

How can he go to the appointments if BM doesn't tell him when they are? 
 

BM has full custody and tells the DRs and schools to not tell DH any information. 

tog redux's picture

If he has medical information rights, he can call the doctor's office and ask when the appointments are. If they refuse, he can fax over his court order and threaten them with legal action if they don't give him information.

If he has no medical information rights, then he can't do anything and he needs to go along with whatever BM tells him.

Frazzled2020's picture

Currently he has 0 rights. BM was suppose to set him up with school and dr info (per mediation agreement two years ago) She has not done it. 
 

anytime he calls the dr or school they say they need to hear from BM. He emails BM and she says it's not her problem 

 

lawyer says "we will discuss it in court" 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

The books you purchased for SD for Christmas - were they gifts GIVEN to SD? If so, those books are not YOUR property: they belong to SD.

Do what tog wrote.

Frazzled2020's picture

So, we can't return the books for $$ since they can't be used. 
 

we can't follow the dr protocol, which is to take books away...

 

we just continue to allow the bs? 

tog redux's picture

What choice do you have? BM told you the doctor's protocol, you can't speak directly to the doctor, so what other option do you have?

You really have to pick your battles with a BM like this. A book isn't one of them.

Frazzled2020's picture

None of them are. She argues about makeup, bedtimes, clothes, books, phone calls, money, school, where we move to. 
If DH gives her what she wants. She still is hateful. If he argues, still hateful. If he ignores her, then she's just harassing and hateful 

tog redux's picture

Well - he doesn't have to communicate with her as much as he is - just block her number and do the best he can to focus on the kids when they are there.

Frazzled2020's picture

Yes. He ignores all texts and only emails her once a week. Doesn't stop her multiple emails lol. 
mom surprised that he can't get her in trouble for harassment or mental and emotional abuse but the courts really don't seem to care for fathers, do they? 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

My point is that you cannot return something that is not in your possession. You cannot go to BM's house and demand she give you SD's books. I'm sorry, but you simply cannot. You can follow the doctor's protocol on your home, but not BM's. 

Frazzled2020's picture

That wasn't the issue. She can keep the items away. BM just didn't tell us what the DR rules were so the SD was unfortunately taking items and they were being taken from her. 
we try to tell them not to swap things. 
if it was something that wasn't appropriate, that's fine. We could have returned her gifts and gotten her something that was. 
eventually DH got in contact with DR and was informed the items weren't appropriate. The. sad arrived on Friday with a book of the same topics (we were told to keep those items away from SD) when DH told SD that he would need to take it; she began texting BM and yelling at DH that the DR said it was approved. 
of course after that thenBM tells DH it's okay. 
Just seems to be unnecessary anxiety for SD. 
mid we take the book away, line instructed, BM says "dr says it's fine" (an hour after they are dropped off) 

if DH doesn't know the books are a problem, he is the bad guy to DR for not following rules. 
just seems like every step DH takes in trying to help SD is the wrong step.