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Here's a new twist!! MIL treats skids/grandkids better than bio??

Fedupmama's picture

My DH's family consists of his mother, 2 bio siblings, 3 step sibs, and a step dad. So my MIL, who I actually enjoy spending time with, has bailed on every important thing in our lives-BUT the wedding. It has all been brought to my attention because of my DH's step sis. The 1 girl in all boys (I have sisters so I do not understand the pedestal). We were pregnant at the same time having the only granddaughters weeks apart, and I just had a son and a few months later she had a son. My MIL complained about having a bridal shower even though I did not want one, so my MOH had one for her and then she called and said she could not make it, she was too tired. My MIL went to visit my DH's step sis in the hospital to welcome her daughter but "couldn't" make it to see her very own bio granddaughter when she was born because she had booked flights to vegas, which she just couldn't seem to move ( knowing when my due date was too).... she took 2 weeks to come see my son even though she was in town when he was born. She didnt come to either of my children's baby showers, she just barely made it to my daughters first birthday for a few minutes then left before everyone came, she missed both of my children's baptisms, and my daughters second birthday party. What pisses me off to no end is, she saw my s-SIL's new son the day he was born, was at her stepgrandaughters 2nd bday the day before my sons baptism and said they would be there!!! she's went to her other step grandsons's baptisms, which were way longer because they were older and not babies. 

I dont think it is my place to call her out on this, but I'm not used to biting my tongue. My father missed my daughters bday and I let him know how I felt.

I just dont want to invite her to anything, any more. Nor do I want to entertain her ego by going to her dinners. I can't believe she treats her bio grandkids like shit, while she puts on a show for her step kids. Wtf? 

Comments

Kona_California's picture

It was so frustrating growing up. He divorced my mom when I was 15, was married to one woman with a son from 15 - 20, then remarried another woman with a daughter and they're still together. Both marriages he did/does way more for my step siblings than he ever did for me or my sister. It was deeply, incredibly hurtful. Especially since we lived with my dad full time. He still does it to this day and I'm 35. He bends over backward for my step sister and she could care less! But when either me or my sister are in need, or when we invite him over, he rarely shows up and if he does, he makes a stink about it. When I lived 10 minutes down the road for 6 years, he only visited twice. Once was because I needed to go to the emergency room, the other time was to bring me back from the hospital the next day (appendicitus). My step sister moved an hour and a half away and he's gone with his wife to visit her dozens of times, and they've lived there for 2-3 years. I have told him many times how I felt, each time he was defensive and did not change.

I decided to stop trying and let it go. I moved to Hawaii and I don't bother reaching out. He'll rarely call, on my birthday or some holidays, and he'll say "i think about calling you while I'm driving to work but that's 4am your time so we're just two ships in the night aren't we!" Pff. Bull sh*t. When my sister had to evacuate her home because of the fires, he didn't bother to give a call and check in on her. For her 30th birthday, she asked if he could drive to her place rather than her doing the 2 hour drive to him, and he said yes but cancelled last minute. I don't think of him as someone to count on. It hurt, letting go, but there's less stress in my life. 

The reasons for his actions was because he is insecure in his relationships and feels like he has to put everything the woman wants in front of everything else on his side, including his kids. He thinks if he stands up for his kids he'll be undesireable and his marriage will fall apart. What a b*tch. 

How does this make your DH feel? What does he think? I think it's perfectly reasonable to confront your MIL and let her know how hurtful her actions are. 

Fedupmama's picture

My DH doesnt say much but I know it bothers him. For our son's baptism he kept turning back to look at the church doors to see if they were coming. It broke my heart. He's ever hopeful that one day they'll show up and treat us like they do his step sister, and really that just means showing up. The bare minimum is all we ask for, their presence. My DH never asks his parents for anything but when they say jump he says how high. My parents arent together either but I don't bite my tongue towards either of them and I put my immediate family first. DH is different, he tries to do everything for everyone as if it will buy their love but they can't even show up for births, birthdays, baptisms....

I get along great with his mother when I see her, I give her a hand with dinners when we're at her place, we go out time to time ourselves. The thing is I genuinely enjoy her company and it sucks she shafts her bio family. If all her kids/skids, my DH and his step sis are the best off, we're the only ones who go to family dinners and christmas, easter... we live near each other, the kids are the same ages. It just makes no sense. Both of my parents and siblings all live farther than MIL and they come to everything! And my husband notices this too. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

reasonably amicable relationship, why not in a non-confrontive manner simply ask her why she is a non-show to events involving your bios?

You have nothing to lose by having this conversation and perhaps a much improved relationship to gain.

Good luck.

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

with your MIL that does not involve calling anyone out, but instead is just your expression of what you have observed and how it makes you feel.  This should not be accusatory ; rather it is just an expression of your feelings.

As these are your feelings, you should be the one having this conversation with your MIL.

Be prepared for the possibility that she may have similar thoughts and feelings about you. She may find you to be more standoffish than the SD, or   she may say that SD seems more receptive to the MIL 's involvement with her and her children.

An open conversation may allow the both of you to become aware of heretofore unexpressed and/or unaddressed  feelings and observations . You may find that you have more in common than you think.

It does not seem as though there is much to lose by having an open but not hostile conversation.

If you can both listen without becoming defensive, you might be able to move  to a better place.