The Holidays are just soooo awesome hey?
Aaaahhh.... the holidays. Cue the anxiety. I often feel like I'm crying on the inside. I don't even know why I bother trying to plan anything around this P.O... BM just does whatever she wants, when she wants. "Letting" DH have them on Xmas eve/morning although it's her time because her DH is not going to be around. And DH, is just so grateful for her crumbs of kindness, regardless if I had my heart set on Christmas Eve/morning with just DH and our kids, y'know, like how my life should have been if I knew then what I know now. Because next year it will be with everyone... And I just know immature Oldest SS will be right there on the floor opening my toddlers gifts, "helping" them. He already this week back talked to DH about Santa not being real, I told him to stfu because no one ruined it for him at 3yrs old (our daughter was around). He constantly irritates everyone in the house, plays on his phone without headphones- while "watching" TV, steals food from my daughter, complains about everything like he is a perfect saint can do no wrong. And now because BM is having an early Christmas, she doesn't need them during the actual day she fought for in the P.O. how is anyone supposed to have anything to look forward to in life when the rules are constantly changing.
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It doesn't have to be that
It doesn't have to be that way. Your DH lets her call the shots. I am divorced and when the kids were school-aged, we followed the parenting plan to the letter, with a few minor exceptions for out of state trips or surgeries. He has set the precedent of letting her dictate the schedule. That's fine when it's just him, but when you are married, you have to be a team or end up a statistic.
DH lets BM call the shots,
DH lets BM call the shots, and OP does too, because she doesn't put her foot down with DH about not changing plans at BM's whims. Speak up, OP - tell him you don't want SD there. Don't back down when he says, "you hate my children," or "it's her home, too", or, "i would NEVER turn my daughter away at Christmas". You have rights too - stand up for them. If he won't agree, then you change plans at the last minute and go to your parents' home or something (I know, bad idea with COVID, but you get the sentiment). Take a strong stand because nothing will ever change if you just give in and go along.
"... you have to be a team or
"... you have to be a team or end up a statistic."
Very true.
We have the opposite problem.
We have the opposite problem. Two years ago at mediation, DH offered more child support than required so he could have four days every other Christmas instead of only getting Christmas from 10am to 6pm. BM gladly took the money, but has spent the last two years telling DH that she would never go along with the agreement. Last year was his off year and MiL meddled, agreeing to take SSs on Christmas Day while DH and I were with my family. DH had it out with his mother and their relationship still hasn't recovered. This year, we have been hearing from BM since June about how she deserves to have SSs on Christmas Eve because she let MIL have them on Christmas Day. DH has simply replied "I intend to follow the agreement". Then BM had SSs (high school age, not toddlers) ask DH why he wouldn't let them spend Christmas Eve with her. Again, DH told them that he and BM had agreed. Last week, BM's father emails DH to request Christmas Eve, copying DH's mother and brother on the email. DH tells him he intends to follow the agreement and asks him to keep DH's family out of it (and also encourages him to stay out of it). BM's father writes back and reminds DH of all the money he spent taking him on hunting trips when DH was married to BM. Seriously?! For one thing, covid is raging where we are and getting together with people "outside your household" is currently prohibited (but not enforced), so why is BM's sister flying in from out of state for the first time in years? For another, they have had two years to plan around this! BM had them for the entire Christmas holiday last year, why didn't her sister plan to come last year? Finally, divorced families need to get used to adjusting to change. Neither BM's family nor DH's has adjusted. BM refuses to change her holiday plans to allow DH to have anything other than a drive-by holiday and DH's family still insists on having big Christmas Eve gatherings even though up until this year, SSs were never around on Christmas Eve, meaning we had to drive around in Christmas Day, so they could see everyone. This year, DH and I have a newborn, so I'm skipping Christmas entirely because I'm apparently the only one who believes that just because someone is family, it doesn't mean they can't give you covid.
Morale of the story is that a SM can never have an enjoyable Christmas and needs to cow-tow to everyone else, all for the "sake of the children".
To me, having them for a
To me, having them for a holiday would so NOT be worth all of this nonsense. Keep them BM, have fun. Celebrate Christmas the weekend after or whatever. This is just a pointless power struggle (and he needs to set limits on his Buttinski parents, too).
It is a pointless power
It is a pointless power struggle and I'm at the point where I'm ready to skip Christmas all together. He should just tell BM - "you win, you can have them all Christmas", but she would insist they come over, because other than Christmas Eve, she does not really want them around (she once told DH it was "unfair" that she had to have them all winter break, even though she was the one who insisted that DH only get Christmas Day in the CO).
You'd think any of these people were religious based on their need to celebrate Christmas or Christmas Eve on the actual day. Last year, we allowed MiL to schedule an "early Christmas" the weekend before and she still worked with BM to have SSs on Christmas Day (MiL insists she didn't have them after DH called her out, but BM and her family insist that she did have them, so there's a whole other web of dysfunction).
DH had it out with his mother several times over this. He even told her that he thought about cutting her off. MiL is completely without remorse and just tells DH to "get over it." DH has to resist the urge to fall back into old patterns of accommodating MiL's lack of boundaries.