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Should the EX wife or EX husband sit with the family during a funeral

SMof2's picture

Ok, I am having a hard time with this it has hapened twice already. My husbands Aunt and Grandmother died. His Grandmother most recently. Well, at the funeral his Ex-wife insisted on sitting with the family. She made a huge scene about it actually. They do have children together (My hubby and his ex) but the kids didn't even come to either funeral. So why are you doing this??? Now I have no probem with her coming and paying her respects to the family (although she never even met his grandmother in the 10 years they were married), but does she really need to sit with the family???? Why make a scene and why would you want to sit across from us?? To actually ride in the limo ( this made me laugh).
I guess this is even more puzzling since my Husband has been banned from anything for her family. Baptisms, Weddings, funerals, she has painted a picture that even at things for the children they won't even say hello. Yet, you have the right to be there all up in the front trying to hold up his mother crying and being all extra??? I am confused. My husband feels like I feel come pay your respects give your condolences and sit down where there is space and leave when its why is everyone making me out to be the bad guy? What do you all think? Should the ex sit with the family? I'm just puzzled as to why this is acceptable. LOL

Anon2009's picture

I think if you as an ex are going to go to these things, fine but don't sit with the family. Pay your respects, hug the kids when it's over, express your condolences again, and leave.

just.his.wife's picture

When my XH grandparents died, I went to the services, sat in the back, expressed condolences to the family and left.

When my dad died my XH, his fiance and my XMIL came to the memorial service. They sat away from the 'family', but they did speak to everyone in the family expressing their condolences.

They arrived on time for the service, stayed for the service. Spent about 20 maybe 30 minutes talking to family members after the service and then left.

Take into consideration, my XH fiance had met my father. They were not close, but she came with XH to help deal with our bio's as I was in no shape to handle their need for comfort on top of my own.

My XMIL and XH fiance were my angels that day. As BM showed up also. The same BM who never met my father, but since "her kids" were attending the service (on their fathers day) she showed up. And attempted to sit with MY family.

My older sister is a pretty even tie with me for 'biotch of the century' my younger sister is a therapist. None of us were in any condition to deal with BM. In stepped my ex-mother in law. (Mind you God himself trembles if she uses a disapproving tone or issues him "the look".)

BM was ever so politely ambushed by my XMIL, escorted to the back of the room, where my kids SM (XH fiance) proceeded to babysit her. When XH and XMIL left, they took her with them, she 'accidently' got swept out with them as the group left (getting jostled every step of the way). The door auto locked behind them and no one let her back in.

XMIL, XH and SM all received flowers from myself, my sisters and my mother as a thank you for taking care of the "issue" that showed up uninvited. SM sent me an email, asking that the favor be returned when her mom passes away. She has a younger sister that robbed the parents blind, is into drugs, and who the parents cut out of their lives several years ago. She knows the sister will show up at moms funeral. (her mom has been suffering from alzheimers for years now).

Trust me, I will repay the favor. It is the least I can do for her helping to ensure I got to grieve my father instead of dealing with BM drama.

Lalena75's picture

No, I don't think it's right. I love, adore, and I'm still close to my ex's family but I keep my distance if the ex is around it would be rude otherwise. I'd only be part of the family if they requested it, but I'd probably check with the ex first if he's okay with it. I'd rather not stir up trouble during a time of grief. She was power playing, rude and disrespectful and I'd make sure a plan was in place next time.

SMof2's picture

This is what i was thinking too. Exactly what everyone has expressed. Look I can't tell her how to grieve (I think she is still grieving about the divorce from 5 years agao) and in reality she was closer to my MIL than I am, but out of respect for my husband and the family I would expect her to come greet everyone, sit down, maybe stay for the repass and then leave like all normal human beings. I have no lock down on the grief by any means, but to make a scene sit next to your ex husband and his wife, ride in the limo, hang out over my MIL house (un-invited) my MIL even seemed uncomfortable. I think is toomuch serving people and walking around the house like you are still married ....Come on Man....lets be for real????? Pay your respects and by that this means to be respectful and go home sheesh!!

SMof2's picture

^^^^^^^^ THIS^^^^^^^^^

So true. hey if I was an EX I would want no parts. Who wants that stress?

hereiam's picture

She was way out of line and should be embarrassed.

This is exactly why we did not even let my husband's ex-wife know when my FIL died. She would've caused a big scene and the truth is, she barely knew my FIL and he could not stand her (starting the day he met her). But she would've somehow made it all about her.

momof3vt's picture

My EX's grandmother died about two years after we divorced. He was remarried, I wasn't. We were high school sweethearts and his grandparents were like my own. I had known them for 15 years. I did attend the funeral to support my EXMIL. However, I did not sit with the family as I felt that wasn't my place. I sat in the back, paid my condolences to the family, stayed for a bit, and left. I was also there for our daughter at that time as she was only 12 years old. Everyone was glad I came, including my EX. His wife understood why I was there and had no issue. But again, I acted like a regular attendee, not a family member.

SMof2's picture

momof3vt this is exactly what I would expect. You were there out of respect and to support your daughter. You didn't make it a broadway production about why you should be here and where you must sit and standing up every 5 minutes so everyone sees you. I swear if i didn't know how dumb she was I would have thought she was high on something...but that really is hernormal behavior. You did the right thing and I think in a situation like that and the way you handled yourself. I would be most appreciative especially if the children were there.

buterfly_2011's picture

I was with my ex husband for 16 years. His family was my family. When his cousin died (she was our age) his Uncle called me. Asked me to come to the funeral as they felt I was family. They asked me to sit with them. I went ahead and sat with them. My ex was very angry and at the time I just didn't understand what his issue was. Because if somebody on my side passed away I would want him there for our children.
I would have never gone and sat with the family if they had not asked me to. A few days after the funeral my ex and I had a talk. He said I really hurt his feelings and because I sat with his family his girlfriend didn't have any where to sit. I told him I was sorry and that was not my intentions. He then stopped talking to his Aunt and Uncle for almost two years. It was awful. I carry much guilt for that day. Even though I was asked to go and to sit with them I wish I had thought that out. I think sometimes we just don't think no matter if we are the BM or SM. I am both of those. It's such a fine line. Get shit from both ends. But as an adult I own my mistakes. And I only wish most BM's would do that. Instead of playing the victim.

oldone's picture

I was living with my aunt (in college) when her husband died. As I was with her I accidentally got seated with the immediate family (his children and grands). I was so embarrassed and felt out of place.

Not that anyone else cared but I would rather have been sitting with my parents and other relations. Yes I was family but quite frankly her siblings were closer relations than me in my opinion.

Shaman29's picture

My brother's BM sat in the back of the church during my paternal grandmothers' funeral service.

What shocked me was my mother's reaction to her being there, as that was the first negative reaction towards the BM that she's ever shown.

My brother could not make it and his BM attended in his place. I reminded my mother that my brother's BM knew their family for many years, was their DIL for a period of time, her son was their grandson and her half brother is my godfather. Like it or not, she was tied to our family.

Mom composed herself after a few minutes and was fine 6 months later when she showed up at my paternal grandfathers' service. In fact she even went up and spoke to her.

Burntoutsecondwife's picture

I just went through this myself as the ex attending the services. I think it depends on a few things. One, does the ex have a good relationship with the family still? Also, were they close to the person who died? Recently, my ex husband's uncle died. I very much loved this man and was VERY close to his aunt prior to our divorce. I couldn't imagine not being there. I didn't make a scene or hang out with them all like I was part of the family though. I was respecftul of the new dynamic, but I also cared about these people and wanted to show support. Then two months later his grandpa died. His grandparents were always so good to me. I met them when I was 15 so I really wanted to be there, but again I was respectful and didn't overstep my bounds. My my grandparents died both of my parents attended the funerals for the other's parents...did that wording make sense?

So, yes, I think it fine, but I think this chick went a bit overboard and sounds like an attention whore.

sbm014's picture

I agree with this. Last summer I saw not only my parents, and step-parents but also my grandmother who had been divorced from my grandfather for 30+ years attend his funeral. Mind you both step-parents and my grandmother sat behind the family and I requested my mother sit up front with me as I needed moral support. Mind you my parents were married for 22yrs and then my mom continued a friendship with my grandfather after the divorce. No one really crossed boundaries and it was done properly but mind you my mom and I still would go to my grandfathers for girl's weekend and he didn't let the divorce affect any relationship but even built new ones with my SF and later my dad's new wife. It is all really depending on the situation.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

DH and I were married less than one year when his father passed. I expected BM to attend since they were married for 25 years but was pleasantly surprised when she didn't show up.

Even though BM was in the family for 25 years neither one of DH's parents were close to her and vice versa.

I think it is good manners to stay away unless you are specifically asked/expected to attend by the EX.

If any of my EX's family passed I would not attend.

You definitely should NOT sit with the family!!!

Orange County Ca's picture

You are being made out to be the bad guy? By who? In any event I'd let your husband handle this.

If he were here asking I'd say the seats are pretty cheap why not let her sit in one?

seesaw208's picture

I am an EX also and they never told me when anyone died and would not let my DS tell either. I guess it was for the best because I really did not want to go anyway.

StepmomDisgstd's picture

Some ppl have class, some have none. My DH and I were recently engaged when his brother suddenly passed away. Mind u his family was just getting to know me. They had known the BM for some years because she and DH have a child together (they nvr married). I was very confused and felt very out of place. I didn't really have a chance to get to know my deceased BIL very well. So I wondered if I should even attend the services. My DH was filled with grief and worried about the BM causing a scene . My soon to be BIL (married to DH sister) convinced me to go and rehearsed with me how we would handle different scenarios, if the BM lost her kool. ....As we stood n line to enter the church, DH is escorting his mom, several other close family members r paired n 2s to enter church. I am n the back of the lined paired with comes BM and SD. She hands my DH a very Lrg 5 yr old and almost knocks him over. His mother moves up and DH is now paired with BM. I'm losing MY kool, but not wanting to cause a scene and look like bad guy. MY wonderful BIL takes my hand and leads me thru the ppl and places me on my DH's left. BM is on his right. She slowly moves behind us. We go in. My SD glared at me thru the entire service. The BM glared at the engagement ring on my finger. I hate that all of that went down at a funeral. But it goes to show that u can move ppl out of your way w/o saying a Word.

sixteensmom's picture

I think it depends on the family dynamic. I was very close to my exh family. They still have photos of us up. I'm also friendss with exdh and his new wife. When his parents pass, my new dh and I will both go show our respects. We won't sit with the family.

My father passed the year after we divorced. Exdh came with the kids then 10,11,13 and stayed at my parents, sat with me at the funeral and held my hand the whole time.

When new dhs dad passed last year we had to beg his kids to come and his ex never even considered it. They'd been divorced for 12 years and dh family hated her.

MamaJ's picture

Wow, that is are not the bad all. Who even alowed her in the limo? This chick is crazy..I would be pissed