What do you all think about sleepovers?
My boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together in about a year. He has two really nice kids. His son is 16 and daughter is 11. They have their stuff as all of them do. I notice though that my boyfriend opens his house to his son's friends a lot. I'm talking about sleepovers several nights a week. While there isn't any drinking going on or anything bad, it just seems too much. I know it's summer but I'm thinking if I was living there now I wouldn't or could't handle this. I work 40 plus hours and my boyfriend is disabled and is awake a lot at night because of his health condition. I wasn't raised with a house full of people. I need some quiet time and privacy. I told him today that if this sort of thing with so many sleepovers were to happen when I am there I wouldn't move in at all. He said ok I get it then changed the subject. I explained it to him as diplomatic as I could. So far he has respected my wishes in our relationship. This all scares me though. So much too about the financial part of it. I told him I won't fund a bunch of teenagers staying there all the time. Also I've heard aw he'll be out of the house in 2 years. While that might be true there's no guarantee. I've heard my boyfriend tell his son he just can't afford to feed them. My boyfriend is late on his bills some times too. I'd like to hear your experiences and input on this matter. The birth mother has partial custody and the son doesn't like staying with her because she's not as much fun as dad. Hmmmm! :?
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He can't afford to feed the
He can't afford to feed the kids and he is late on his bills? Are you moving in to help with bills or what? He is disabled, as not working? So you plan on supporting whole bunch of people? Sleepovers are the least of your problems
Don't move in until his son
Don't move in until his son moves out. No reason to if you already don't agree with his parenting.
As a parent, I'd rather be the house where everyone hangs out/sleeps over. It is hard to trust other parents and their rules and if they are at home, you're more likely to know what they are up to.
We thought the same thing
We thought the same thing until we started finding beer, wine and liquor in SD's bedroom after a sleepover. Her and friends were drinking in her room while DH & I slept. She lost her sleepover privileges that day.
He's on a fixed income which
He's on a fixed income which is actually enough. That's why I am worried that he will be too generous. The sleepovers are just part of the concern really. That's why I'm carefully considering my next move.
Do not move in. He sounds
Do not move in. He sounds financially irresponsible; perhaps, in part, because he want's to be The Fun/Cool Dad.
Think very carefully about
Think very carefully about the life you will have with this guy before you get in too deep. There are several red flags.
1. late on bills.. poor money management or prioritization or low earning potential which will mean that any and all "extras" will most likely be your burden. Do you want that life?
2. Permissive with his son letting him make his own rules and have kids over whenever he wants. This won't end when/if you move in. In fact, it probably isn't going to work out in your favor if people in the home have to modify their living situation because of you.
3. Who knows if the kid will be out. No guaranty that the kid will actually launch. Dad is lenient with him now, that won't change.
So, my best advice is to carefully extricate yourself from this ticking time bomb of a relationship. The guy isn't going to do better financially, most likely will just pull you down. His permissive parenting is going to be an even bigger problem. I honestly have to think you could find someone with fewer problems and less baggage.
I just wanted to let you know
I just wanted to let you know that I had your response in my mind for months. I broke it off with him two days ago. Things multiplied since I wrote this post. I know I’d be stuck in unhappiness in the years to come.
I personally do not care for
I personally do not care for sleepovers. My BS7 has ONE friend who spends the night and that might be once every 2 months or so and that is plenty for me. Thankfully DH is on the same page as me, we just don't like the extra fuss and muss and like our quiet home. and it's not that BS7 and his friend are bad, they are great, go to bed when told, follow the rules etc.. it's just that "someone else" being there. I guess either you're cool with it or you're not. Sounds like you and your SO are not on the same page so I don't think it would be a good idea for you to move in any time soon.
The problem isn't the
The problem isn't the sleepovers, it's their Disney Daddy.
Do yourself a favor and do NOT move in with this guy.
You were spot on! He was a
You were spot on! He was a Disney dad. Literally and figuratively. So much that I don’t have any desire to go to Disney and he has paid for my Disney band until next year. I broke it off with him two days ago.
Since you don't like what is
Since you don't like what is going on in his home, don't move in.
You have a lot of good advice
You have a lot of good advice here and much to consider...while doing that, think about your own expectations for the future. What do you expect will happen when you move in? Will the family cave to your demands? What compromises do you already know they will be willing to make?
You have plenty of red flags from HIM, now look at what you will or will not accept...your choices and expectations will make this decision for you regardless of anyone else's involvement, changes, agreements, etc.
I won't move in till the kid
I won't move in till the kid moves out. I have a 17 year old boy and our house seems to be the hang out house for summer. I don't mind they are pretty quiet but they do stay up all night playing X-box so I had to put a stop to more then one friend spending the night during the week during summer. During the school year no sleepovers on a school night. You might talk to your boyfriend about that.
There is absolutely no way I
There is absolutely no way I would move in with this guy.
Do not move in with him it
Do not move in with him it sounds like a hot mess. My son is 10 and I love having sleep overs as he is an only child but I a m selective about what kids sleep over. This sounds like 1 big party.
He lets a bunch of 16 year
He lets a bunch of 16 year old guys -hang out late and roam his house- with an 11year old daughter under same roof??!!!
I could not....
He better have a lock on that door.
Run run run.
I cant even take in the rest of what you wrote, because that 11 year old is at risk.
^^ 100% ^^ Biologically
Biologically unrelated semi-adult males loose several nights per week with an 11 year old pubescent female? Unsupervised by disabled, foolish, lackadaisical DH. Google: sex abuse statistics.
You are concerned about the absolute fact that you will be expected to support this household and fund the teen activities. Be concerned about the 11-year old girl. Are you willing to fund SD's baby & baby-daddy & SS & DH?
DO not move in together....
DO not move in together.... wait till the girl is 18 and off to college..... she's going to be pure evil in about 4 years time Hon, been there done that and got the T-shirt. I moved out back to my own place.
Do not help your boyfriend paying his bills or paying for anything for his house.... rather keep your money and save up like hell. He already can't afford things, thus he wants you to move in not because of you... but because of the money you can bring in.
I'm sorry but I do not tolerate a man spoiling his children and then not paying his bills... make sure the day you move in your BF is debt free and financially capable of supporting you.
I took all your advice. There
I took all your advice. There was such much I had to bend for in this relationship. All I heard was you knew I had kids when you came into this. That meant anything that happed I didn’t agree with was not going to be heard. Some things were respected, but they kept happening over or would just go right back. The sleepovers were something his son needed. Oh yeah he has to have them. The last one that happened I got woke up at 2am because his door alarm went off from one of them leaving and coming back. I was so mad. The next morning I couldn’t walk by with my dog to take him on a walk to pee. A blow up mattress was blocking the way. The boy was sleeping on it. Pain in the ass. Also he took his daughters door off the hinges for a punishment. So she was in there with no privacy. That was just the kids part. There was so much wrong. He was controlling and manipulative. He would buy things for me, we’d have fun but as soon as I had an issue he’d throw up what a wonderful time we just had. I had enough last Monday when he demanded an apology by lunch for a discussion we had about me moving in. He was stalling and I wanted to know! I feel sad but very relieved!!!