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So lost these days...

famjam 7's picture

I’ll start with a little background info about my life. I have 3 kids DS is 9, DD is 4 and DS is 3. My fiancé has 2 kids SS is 13 and SD is 8. I am a stay at home Mom and he works shift work. My 3 visit their Dad every other weekend and his 2 go to their grandparents house. Their Mother has not been in their life for over a year with a protection order against her, as she tried to abduct the kids from school.

My relationship with my fiancé has been very strained at times. How often do people bicker? We seem to argue daily about silly things like how to fold towels to bigger things like our boys fighting with each other. We’ve been a blended family for about 1.5 years and I’m wondering when it gets easier, or if it ever will?

I have so much I want to talk about, but I think I’ll make another post tomorrow. TIA to anyone who replies.

 

Comments

twoviewpoints's picture

How to fold towels? I haven't seen it here in a while, but over the years I'd read 'do you want to be right, or do you want to be married'? Butting heads over towels seems so trivial in the thick of doing what is already a very tough task aka blending a families. 

Do things get better with time? Sure some things certainly do, but being you have a household of five kids from tots to teens you can pretty well bank on issues of some sort from one kid or two or another kid or two. And when you and your fiance are still over focusing on little things as how to properly fold towels? Yeah, don't hold your breath. 

Your DF and you aren't on the same page, how can you two expect the children to be melding into all this? 

When a couple first get together, those are usually the happiest times. The rose colored glasses stage, but you're only about 18mos in and all you and DF do is fight? And the boys fight? From what I made of your children's ages , the boys are your 3yr old and his 13yr old.  More information would be needed to know what that is all about, but 3yr olds and 13yr olds are worlds apart. Any physical interaction between the two children could be quite hazardous to a small tot. On the other hand, no 13yr old is going to want a 3yr old 'play with' or barge into their space.

The 9yr old is going to fight with both the little brother 3yr old and the older step-sibling , 13yrs old. The nine year old is kind of the kid stuck in the middle. Having a 9yr old try to hang with a 13yr old as 'friends' is a big order. Their maturity levels and thinking abilities are not on the same line. I'm sure you've seen those pre-teen movies where they have a geeky little brother  (and no, I'm not saying your 9yr old is a geek, lol)

Anyway, welcome to steptalk.I'm sure you'll find lots of advice s your story unfolds and you can read around and find older blogs/forum postings where others have experienced exactly what you're going through. Stepfamilies are hard. No one will ever tell you differently. Five kids are hard, I had five over the years in my own home (1 his, 1 mine and 3 ours). And honestly, five kids bio or step or a mixture can be overwhelming in and of itself. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Easy solution for how to fold the towels - the person folding the towels is right!! If one of you is not folding towels but critiquing the one who is, the critic needs to STFU. If someone feels strongly about how the dishwasher should be loaded, the proper way to sweep the floor, or how the TP is put on the holder, then THAT person should have that chore.

Do you receive child support for your 3 children? Do those funds contribute to the household budget? If not, they should. Your husband likely feels overburdened if for some reason he has 4 extra mouths to feed.

Areyou's picture

You guys are in a transition period. People I know who’ve done this say it takes three years for the fighting to lessen. DH and I still fight about stupid SD and it’s been three summers together!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

It takes time... Just remember it's YOUR MARRIAGE that should be the top priority and go from there.

famjam 7's picture

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Through the years, I’ve become very isolated because I was a single parent for most of my twenties. It was hard to find time for myself, so to maintain some kind of social life seemed impossible. With that being said, I don’t have anyone other than fiancé to talk to about things like this, so I really appreciate being able to have an outlet. :)