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Super Frustrated by SS

LFarrell's picture

Hi all,

I am 43, I've been married to my DH for 4 years.  We have a 3 year old son together.  My SS is 14 and lives with us every other week, on the off weeks he is with his BM.  I also have 3 grown children, twin girls who are 21 and who live in Texas where they go to college.  My oldest son is 23 and lives 3 hours away.  So, my SS...he and I have not ever really gotten along.  I deduced it early on due to parenting style differences between my husband and I.  As a parent, I have always put a lot of emphasis on academics and extra curriculars.  My children embraced those things and worked very hard at being good students.  My SS on the other hand is very lazy, to the point where has been failing nearly all his classes for years.  He doesn't do any of the homework, or very minimal, and takes the tests, and passes with very low scores.  He is behind credits as well in high school.  SS is not in any extra curricular activities, NOTHING.  He fought us last year, when he was in band and DH finally let him drop it.  He will lay on the couch from the moment he gets home,even though he has been told to do his homework, or chores.  He doesn't talk, to ANYONE.  Says very very minimal about anything.  He mean mugs me from the time he gets to our house, until he is gone.  Anything I ask him to do, IF he does it, he does it so BAD that I need to ask him to go back 5-6 times to even get it done adequately.  <no, i'm not a perfectionist>  I call this behavior giving me a "F You" without saying it.  My husband over compensates as a parent because he feels bad that SS has such a crappy mother, who doesn't parent him at all.  He doesn't even brush his teeth while he is gone during her weeks.  Lately, I've been starting to feel afraid SS is going to hurt someone.  Up until 6 months ago he was nice to his little brother, our 2 year old son.  But now, he either totally ignores him, pushes him or just glares at him.  We live in a townhouse, so our living space is typically only on one floor.  Since SS doesn't leave the house, talk, or have friends over, it's like a constant heavy feeling when he is here.  I have tried for so long to say Hi!  How's it going?  How was your day?  He completely ignores me.  Always.  I cook dinner (his mother doesn't cook at all), and he pushes the food around and glares at me the whole time.  He seems to have ZERO empathy, about anything.  I have never seen him cry, or apologize, or feel remorseful about ANYTHING EVER.  One day, he actually said something.  He said to my 3 year old son, "How would you feel if your mother died?".  I heard it.  I said, WHAT?  He said you heard me.  Then I said, that's not something you say or joke about.  Then he laughed, heckling me.  I brought it up to my DH, he talked with him, and again SS laughed, and mutter after much prompting a Sorrrrrrry.  The a few weeks later DH Was talking about AIRBNB places, and SS (again, nearly never talks) says "an air BNB would be the perfect place to kill someone".  In the fall DH caught him lighting dryer lint on fire in our basement.  SS only cared that he got caught, again showed no remorse.  He does super Jerk things while around our 3 year old, like taking his favorite stuffed bear and beating it up while our 3 year old screams and cries.  Even though I've told him that to the 3 year old, that is like hurting a real being, to please stop.  In some ways, I think if he was a normal mouthy teenager I could deal with it better, because he feels like a time bomb.  I've looked up profiles of kids who shoot up schools, and he really matches the profiles.  We don't have any guns in our house, but I worry that he is going to go off the deep end.  I've suggested counseling to his father, said he can have it set up through school.  Nothing has transpired.  SS has absolutely NO hobbies or interests.  He refuses to read ANYTHING, ever.  We don't have video game system in our house, so he just lays there on the couch NOT doing his homework, NOT doing the chores I fought to have on a chore chart, and I feel as though I am so disempowered, because if I say something, or bring things up, my DH says that I'm always ragging on him.  I feel as though if SS had any type of interests, talents or sense of self, I might be more forgiving.  But he cares about NOTHING.  We took away his phone months ago, and he could care less.  It's as though any consequence we give him doesn't matter.  I'm having a very difficult time being in the middle, because I feel like I am damned if I do try to parent him, and damned if I do not (he just takes over the house).  I'm not sure what to do.  


Siemprematahari's picture

You seem to have good intentions in trying to "help" but honestly your H should be the one doing the parenting and should know how to handle his out of control son. You need to step back because being involved only ramps up SS's behavior. Your H needs to change his parenting style and see how he's failing his son. The BM.......well you have no control over that but this shitty behavior could be from years of enabling and not discipling this child. 

Your H has a lot of work cut out for him and he needs to start ASAP. Please do not think you can fix things as most women feel they should. This is not your problem to fix. So have a chat with H and let him know he needs to step up now in a big way because SS will only be more of an issue the older he gets. 

Iamwoman's picture

Your SS sounds like a psychopath.

Is it possible to keep your little one away from him?

Im curious as to why your DH brushed off SS' death threat towards you so casually... it seems you really have a DH problem.

Your main goal at this point should be protecting yourself and your little one from SS. He has already threatened your life. I would not take that lightly at all. In fact, if one of my skids ever threatened my life, I would report it to the police. Death threats are a crime.

LFarrell's picture

Thank you for your perspective.  I hadn't thought about involving the police, but the level of fear that I felt after I heard him say it to me would definately justify their involvement.  

Evil3's picture

You are obligated to protect your bio. I would leave. Your DH is not parenting his psychopathic kid and he's turning a blind eye to that violent PoS. Your DH is not protecting his wife or other bio. He's failing you and his other child.

I would not be able to sleep another night in the same house as your SS and I'd be scared to death that he'd do something to my child. Get your child out of there pronto.

Move out and tell your DH that you will consider moving back in with your DS after your SS has been put into intensive consistent therapy and a qualified mental health professional declares your SS safe for the rest of the family members to reside with. Tell your DH that he must also go to counselling to learn how to parent such a troubled son and to learn how to stop selling out his other family members an endangering them.

Steptotheright's picture

Yeah. My youngest SS is frighteningly similar to your SS. The silences, lack of empathy, stonewalling, glowering, laziness, poor grades, bullying his siblings, and the list goes on.  Takes an hour to get him up for school. Smh. 

It's almost uncanny how similar your account is to my own SS. Except he has a game... But when we took it away, he'd act like he didn't care at all. No form of punishment worked with this kid.

I have to be honest, I don't think this will go well for you. If you can get out, do so. Take your DS with you. 

Your H is blind to his own son's evils and is incapable of correcting them. When you point these things out, he will gaslight you to avoid facing his own blindness.