Approaching 14 Months in Second Marriage & Grown Step Kids Are Moving Out - Spouse Is Acting Weird

While I was with my former spouse for seven years, I had two step kids who I co-raised during their teenage years and was their primary provider. In my current marriage, I have two grown step kids - early and late 20's - who live with us and my spouse feels I don't do 1/10 for them like I did my previous step kids. I say it is because they're grown and she does everything for them. My spouse says I do not understand because I have no bio kids. They discuss everything without me like their moving out. I find things out via "By the way, I will not be available tomorrow because I'm going to go buy appliances, linens, etc. for the kids' new place." My spouse has threaten to move with them before but now, she is acting weird towards me as if it is my fault that the kids are moving. She says if we still argue after the kids move out then we can't make it because we won't have them to blame. How should I handle this?

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Honestly - are you surprised?

Honestly - are you surprised? You moved in with the situation just like this, knowing full well that they lived there and how she treated them. Then you try to be the New Sheriff in Town and are surprised that they are upset, and that she is upset?

I don’t get it. Why did you even move in? This is a case where you absolutely did know just what you were signing on for and now you want THEM to change.

I don’t agree with her parenting but you made a choice to sign on for this.

Sorry if that’s harsh, but you are not a victim.

Thanks but That's Not Exactly the Case

Thanks for your reply. Never said I am a victim. Things were not like this when I moved in. Even my spouse used to say, I would not have the same problems with her or her kids like I did in my first marriage - doing everything but no love, appreciation or respect - because she has her own and her kids are grown. I believed her because when I moved in, we lived in her apartment for only a month and then we moved into a house. Also at that time, the older one was in had a relationship of almost 7 years and stayed at the partner's house 80% of the time. When they broke up, even my spouse said, it was as if there was a reversal to a teenager - rebellious but when before, the kid had no time for her or the younger kid. But you're right in a sense because the younger one did act out at first and constantly comparing what my spouse used to do for him (which I did not know) and now do those things for me. There are those rare occasions when my spouse checks them when they cross the line so far that it is blatantly obvious. Other times, she acts as if it is not disrespect but the truth because I'm petty for which I reply have preferences and standards. Nevertheless, the older said she was only staying for six months, which turned into a year, which turned into 18 months.

I don't agree with how she

I don't agree with how she raises her kidults, but if that is the life she wants, so be it. Unless she hid all of this from you, you walked into this marriage knowing she would be waiting on her kids hand and foot. She clearly enjoys it.

Did she promise things would change when you married or did you just assume they would? Love blinds us all, but you can't expect a total 180 in lifestyle just because you got married.

Thanks but I Did Not Know Everything At First

Thanks for your reply. However, things were not like this when I moved in. Even my spouse used to say, I would not have the same problems with her or her kids like I did in my first marriage - doing everything but no love, appreciation or respect - because she has her own and her kids are grown. I believed her because the older stayed with partner 80% of the time and the younger one was at college. Plus, the older said she was only staying for six months, which turned into a year, which turned into 18 months. No 180 expected, just compromises.

I won't be so presumptuous

I won't be so presumptuous and probably wrong as to imply that you knew exactly what you were getting into when you married this woman. Like the vast majority of stepparents, you probably had very little idea how enmeshed this woman is with her kids.

I would tell my wife that I don't blame her kids at all. You never fought because of her kids: every single fight has been due to her lack of parenting. You will still fight and argue because she will continue to be a selfish ass (make no mistake: parents who enable and coddle their kids are selfish. They would rather damage their kids than do the hard part of parenting). And that mindset bleeds into all sorts of things that will cause arguments.

When she tries to turn everything on you and claim you just hate her kids, calmly explain that she is flat wrong. You don't hate those boys. You hate her refusal to parent them. You hate that she doesn't respect you enough to address their behavior that bothers you. Keep the focus where it belongs.

I know lots of people hate

I know lots of people hate hearing "you knew what you were getting into," and sometimes things do change in a step situation from what it appeared to be initially.

But lots of times people SHOULD HAVE known what they were getting into, even if they didn't. I can't use that excuse, I knew SS had issues the very first time I met him, and it was abundantly clear that BM was high conflict and where things were headed. I chose to marry DH anyway, and to stay with him.

How could this guy not have seen how enmeshed his wife was with her kids? How could he have not seen how she parented them and how she was willing to support them?

I don't buy this excuse. I think lots of times, people DO see what's going on, but they think they can change it, or they are so in love that they think they are willing to put up with it, etc.

You may think I'm presumptuous and wrong, but everything I read says he should have seen what was happening. OK, so now he's there and has to own his own choices.

Lot of great points

Whenever one of my friends is serious about a guy with kids, I always tell her things can change. BM can die, become incapiciated, and he will end up with kids 24/7. Yep it happens.

But there are some things people should be concerned about. If DH wants 50/50 custody, but right now his kids split their time between his mom and his ex, I see a man looking for a nanny. If he is required by either state law or his CO to pay for college, you can stomp your feet all you want, it is unlikely to change.

There is a saying I heard that men marry the woman they love, and hope she never changes, but women marry a man and hope to change him.

And you have to seriously

And you have to seriously consider how they parent. Watch them with their kids. Ask them questions.

Did the OP never see his wife acting enabling with her kids? She has been funding the kid at college for quite some time, did he ask about money and what she pays for with that kid? What the kids plans are after college? How she will feel if they want to move back home? What her position is on supporting adult kids?

She said, "That won't happen with me because my kids are adults," and that was good enough?

I always wonder about the people on here with Disney Dad partners - did they not notice that when they were dating? I would have run from DH fast and far if he was a Disney parent. Did they not notice he bought the kids whatever they want and never disciplined them? Did they not notice him talking with BM repeatedly through the day, or helping her the minute she asks?

Yes, sometimes people and situations change, I get that. And I know that you might think you can live with something that becomes much less tolerable than you thought.

But at least own that many people go into situations either without asking questions, or believing love will solve everything.

Exactly

When younger people get serious, they ask (or should be asking) different questions. How much student debt to you have? What are you planning to do after you finish school or your military service.

When you are serious about someone with kids, you have to expand your questions. If you are older, you should be asking what are your plans for retirement? How much are you saving? Do you think you will be the caregiver for an elderly parent? Ask and listen.

You Noted Some Great Points

I like the advice you give about things changes and I am going to ask more questions up front. I did not know the extent to which my wife enabled the SKs because they were not around so much in the beginning and our money is separate. It was not until I saw the behaviors - expected maid service and heard the money requests after the older broke up with her boyfriend & the younger came home from college.

How indeed. Did you read his

How indeed. Did you read his replies? Red flags are easy to miss in the beginning of a relationship. I "knew" my skids bm was a nutter, but I had no idea the extent of her fuckery. I "knew" my DH was a combat veteran, but I had no idea what that meant in terms of the daily struggle. I "knew" being a parent to a toddler would be hard work, but I had no idea what the messy details included.

It is such a dismissive, rude and condescending thing to say. It gives him zero helpful advice or suggestions on going forward. The only purpose it served was to kick a man while he's down.

I fail to see how this vent means he is refusing to own his choices. It seems "you should have known" could be used to excuse any shitty behavior from a spouse. "You should have known she was a cheater." "You should have known he was abusive." "You should have known she is an addict." " You should have known he lets his mother make all of his decisions."

Ok. Yep. Life would be so much easier if we all knew exactly what will happen before it does. You are so right.

Obviously, that hit close to

Obviously, that hit close to home.I always figure the people who get the most defensive about that are the ones who ignored the red flags to begin with, or now that they are dealing with the consequences of their choices, want to play the victim.

Some things you can't predict happening, but other things you can predict. I didn't know how bad BM would get in our case either, but I still have to own that there were red flags that I saw and plowed ahead anyway.

We don't have to agree, but I find taking responsibility for your own choices in the matter make it easier to make change.

For example, he can't just go into his wife's prior family and start demanding changes, which he has obviously done, and not expect for them to get resentful. So he may need to approach it differently. He has to own that he is the outsider in this family, and any changes need to be negotiated with her support and not just implemented by the New Sheriff who feels he can just go in and change things to his liking. Why did he let the older kid move in? Why didn't he discuss rules with her ahead of time?

I know it's popular on here to see stepparents as the victims of their partners and stepkids, but I don't agree with that.

Again, the only one throwing

Again, the only one throwing around the victim terminology is you. Unless you have a time machine to lend this guy, your "advice" is garbage.

And you are exactly right: this hit close to home. I should have known my abusive ex would strangle me within an inch of my life. That's all my fault because I should have identified the red flags. I should take ownership of the abuse because I should refuse to be a victim, right? And if I ever talk about the abuse I endured, I'm not taking ownership of my choices?

You, of all people, should know better than to displace blame.

The wife should have known that marrying a childfree man would change her family's dynamic. She should have known that continuing to wipe her adult kid's asses would cause issues in her marraige. She should have known that allowing her eldest to move back home would cause friction. She should know that enabling and coddling her kids will damage them. But apparently only the OP is supposed to "take ownership."

I'm not displacing blame. I'm

I'm not displacing blame. I'm asking him to take responsibility for his own choices in his matter. I absolutely agree with you about his wife, but she's not posting here.

You may not have known that your ex would be abusive, that's not something you can always predict. Or you may have missed red flags from him because of a (theoretical) history of abuse. But being a victim of any kind does not absolve you of the need to take responsibility for your choices either before or after the victimization.

This guy walked into a situation without asking questions, he has to own that. So now, he can't just decide everything will be done how he wants it to be done, rules set, kids out and not expect his wife to get upset. Yes, she has blame too in this situation, but again, she's not the OP.

So again, lots of people on here saw the red flag of Disney parenting, married the guy anyway, thinking they could either take over parenting or teach him to parent, fail at that and find themselves miserable, and then blame the kid or the partner, instead of owning the choice they made, and figuring out how they want to proceed from there.

Feeling victimized stops anyone from making healthy choices. Even if you truly ARE a victim, staying in that mindset is not healthy.

And for the record, I'm not the only person in this thread saying he walked into this with eyes open.

No, but you seem to be the

No, but you seem to be the most level-headed out of the bunch. Also, you replied to my comment.

You could have said all that in your original reply and I would have agreed wholeheartedly. Instead, you chose to relay, "Well! You done effed up! See ya sucker!"

I'm glad you're backing away from your initial tone.

Also, had I reached out for help when I was ready to leave my abusive ex, do you think it would have been helpful to have someone lecture me on the red flags I missed? I don't believe for a second that you would have addressed a client like that.

He's not my client. Doctors

He's not my client. Doctors don't practice medicine out of the office, and I don't provide therapy.

You can bet I've thought that with clients before.

Well, I wouldn't be offering

Well, I wouldn't be offering any advice of it wasn't the best I could give. I think it would be an ethical breach if lawyers gave shitty legal advice online just because they weren't getting paid.

You were right - I could have

You were right - I could have used a softer tone. But giving legal advice is vastly different than using therapeutic skills.

Never Said I Am A Victim Tog Redux

Never Said I Am A Victim Tog Redux. It may be stereotypical but being a veteran, I never see myself as a victim but a change agent. Also, I always own up to my choices and never make excuses. You are right that I missed some red flags but they were not visible in the beginning because the SKs did not stay with us 100% in the beginning and my wife said things were not like my first marriage. Hindsight is 20/20.

Fair enough. All you can do

Fair enough. All you can do now is own that you missed them and either work out a compromise with your wife, or end your marriage.

I Do Own My Choices and I Am Proposing A Compromise

I Do Own My Choices and I Am Proposing A Compromise with my wife. It is not my desire to end my marriage but I won't be naive that it is a possible outcome.

Thanks, Beebeel!

Thanks, Beebeel! I could not have said it better.

Thanks but Everything Was Not Crystal Clear At First

Thanks but everything was not visible upfront. Even my spouse used to say, I would not have the same problems with her or her kids like I did in my first marriage - she has her own and her kids are grown. The older SK stayed with her own partner 80% of the time and the younger one was at college. Plus, the older said she was only staying for six months, which turned into a year, which turned into 18 months. But you are right in that I could have paid closer attention and would have noticed more things & in that it my choice. I wanted some objective povs.

Thanks and I Appreciate You Not Being So Presumptuous

Thanks for your reply and I appreciate you not being so presumptuous because things were not like this when I moved in. Even my spouse said she has her own and her kids are grown. The older SK stayed with her partner 80% of the time and the younger one was at college. Plus, the older said she was only staying for six months, which turned into three times the length. I now see why things can't work with too many adults in one place.

You hit the nail on the head about the fights. I have called her selfish and even the SKs get attitudes with her when they think she is being overbearing. I will work on staying calm because I typically am not as I let it build up then blow. I have checked out and barely speak to the SKs.

"I won't be so presumptuous

"I won't be so presumptuous and probably wrong as to imply that you knew exactly what you were getting into when you married this woman. Like the vast majority of stepparents, you probably had very little idea how enmeshed this woman is with her kids."

But isn't that the whole reason why you date someone, especially someone with a complex history, for a LONG time so you can figure this stuff out?

I do get that you never truly understand the SP dynamic until you have lived it. I do get that people and situations change. But there are things that can be predicted or at least anticipated before getting married.

For example, finances. I knew what DH spent money on, what his debts were, what his spending habits were like, and how he handled money with BM and the kids before we got married. He and I both compromised on spending, and he made some pretty radical changes to how he handled money with BM before we married (which is why her current poor-mouthing and his giving in has been so irritating because he had stopped that nonsense).

It's foolish to either not ask questions about your future spouse's finances OR to ask and silently accept their financial proclivities by marrying them only to throw it back at them in the future.

This is an issue of compatibility that neither OP or his wife really thought about or worked through prior to getting married. OP's wife saying he wouldn't run into the same issues as his last relationship contradicts her paying for everything for the youngest, which sounds like was happening prior to them marrying. If she flat-out lied and said "no, I expect my kids to be 100% adults" and then pulled this, then that would be an unforeseeable circumstance. However, I have a really hard time believing there was no indication prior to 14 months ago that this was how she treated her children and how her children treated him (especially since the eldest was living with them/her prior to that). If she did lie, and to this great of an extent, then that in and of itself should be enough to end this marriage since it was built, to some extent, on lies from DW.

I dated for a year before

I dated for a year before living with my DH for three years before marrying him. My skids were 8 and 10 when we married.

I had very little idea what teenage skids would have in store for me when I married my DH. I had no idea the shitstorm going from EOWE to 50/50 would cause. I had no idea how parenting teens differed from parented littles, and I had very little indication my DH would change his parenting once his kids were older.

Some of you people act like, "if you do the proper vetting, there will never be conflict or disagreement!" Pffft! LOL

And all of this is moot. The guy never once asked what he should have done two or three freaking years ago. He is asking, now what?

I don't think there is any

I don't think there is any way you can pre-screen someone 100%. But I do think, especially if you have been in a step situation before, that there are questions that should be asked or that the brakes need to be applied when circumstances change or red flags are present. Maybe the OP ignored the red flags. Maybe the timing meant that everything was 100% accurate until right after he married and it all changed. I just don't see how someone goes from "it won't be like that" to "I will coddle my kids and move out with them if you don't like it" in a little over a year with zero warning.

Either way, you're right. OP wants advice. My advice is that anyone who threatens to move out should be helped to pack their bags and told to not let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. That's an unfair threat in a marriage if one isn't planning on following through, and that is grounds in and of itself to end the relationship or at least put it on pause for a while. I wouldn't live with someone who lied to me (because even if she changed post-marriage, she still lied saying it wouldn't be that way - she should have warned the man that she thought she'd get up to her elbows in her kids' crap), who threatened to leave me, and treated me disrespectfully and allowed their kids to do the same. ESPECIALLY when that was not the pretense of the relationship and subsequent marriage before.

Lastly, I think some of us jumped on the "you knew" bandwagon because he immediately comes swinging out of the gate about how awful she is and how all he wants is order and peace like he is right and she is wrong. Let's establish that both are equally right and wrong and this is about compatibility. He either accepts that this is what he married into or he can walk away. She has the same option. She isn't willing, it seems, to compromise and her and her kids are acting like he's the biggest d-bag in the world. So the answer is walk.

Exactly - thank you. He

Exactly - thank you. He obviously knew that the youngest one was in college and she was paying for his dates and condoms - or if he didn't, did she lie to him? Or did he not ask? Oldest didn't live there much of the time, fair enough - but if she saw how she was paying for everything for the youngest, didn't that raise alarms? Didn't he wonder why the oldest lived there at all?

I guess I too got the "it's her fault" vibe, which felt victim-y to me. But as you said, it's done now and all he do is either leave, or see if she's willing to work out a compromise.

You can't vet someone entirely, but how they parent and how they manage their finances are two things that should not be a surprise.

Thanks & Didn't Mean To Come Across Swinging

I did not mean to come "swinging out of the gate about how awful she is and how all he wants is order and peace like he is right and she is wrong." I was trying to give the full story. My wife is a great woman, mother & friend - some times to a flaw. I am flawed, have OCD & learning. You are right in that this is about compatiability. Thanks for the insights.

She is not going to change

Face that fact. So it up to you, You can find other good thing in her and over look how she treats her kids. And be happy with her. Or you just can not put up,with it. Then move out. It’s your life, you have to live it. You have to do what is best for you . No one can decide for you.

Thanks & You're Right - She's Not Going To Change & It's My Choi

Thanks and you are right on all fronts. Fundamentally, she is not going to change but she has started calling them out some and reiterated that I am her spouse, which are two of the reasons I think they are moving.

It is indeed my life and my choice. I am watching and she seems to be taking the upcoming move okay. I will see if the move actually happens along with how she in the event it does happen.

It sounds like your wife

It sounds like your wife thought that you would be the kind of stepparent you were in your last marriage and you thought the kids would immediately start adulting and move out.

To be fair, you are a grown man and moved into the situation with three other adults eyes wide open. Her unspoken assumption that you were fine with the status quo is understandable.

So they're moving out. You're happy right? Are you asking how to handle your wife's feelings about this? You can't really do anything but be supportive of her. She feels like she's losing her babies and it's your fault. It may be irrational and she's obviously coddled them a long time but that's just where she's at right now. After they move expect that she'll be spending a lot of time at their homes helping them settle and taking care of them. You want a wife devoted to you and a skid free home. She wants a husband but also wants to still hover over her grown young men. Who's right?

It seems like you would know better from past stepparenting experiences, yet some of us (me included) keep repeating the same lessons until we learn.

Thanks & You Are Right about Some Assumptions

My wife did not expect me to be like I was in my previous marriage because she said unlike that situation - she has her own and her kids are grown. I did not know the extent of enabling until time passed and I expected the older SK to move out when she said - first six months, then year but now it is 18 months later. They're not even on our lease. So, my eyes were not wide open.

I am happy that the SKs are finding some independence and my wife has said she will spend a lot of time there. It is not that I want a SK-free house, I want some ground rules.

You are right about learning from past experiences. I now have enough experience to know age does not matter but establishing ground rules & setting expectations early on do.

Find A Nice

Child-LESS partner/spouse!!!

It's soooo not worth it!!

My SO (Chef) told me he was strict. BWA HA HA HA!

He meant that he could be strict with other random kids but not his own. Actions speak louder than words.

Thanks, ThinkThrice!

Thanks, ThinkThrice! I have come to that same conclusion. The arguments are becoming too frequent in my eyes & "petty" in her eyes - all of my complaints are always petty let her tell it. I woke up this morning and showed my spouse that she was wrong about me versus her kids using majority of the Internet - she said my phone was the only one on it because the three of them have unlimited Internet (mind you, so does my plan) and it set a war off. The older SD, almost 30, started slamming doors because she was told she was talking too loud - she screams instead of talks - & she was told that she was playing her music too loud at 6:30A and that she is not the only one here by my wife who could hear her downstairs. Btw, the SD is a DJ on the side, so I'm convinced her hearing is gone.

Then, the 21 year old spiteful & childish SS, starting screaming, "Where are you Mom?" I am thinking, you just heard her tell your sister to quiet down & "Does it matter where she is?" Consequently, I am looking for a new place this weekend and will move out next weekend. I have had it. I am going to enjoy being free & if I meet / marry someone else - no rush, she will be childless for sure!