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Over it! I need advice and to vent.

Xoxo1234's picture

I feel bad and I dont...but I cannot stand my step kids. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years now. However, we have history that stems back 13 years (before children). He has FIVE kids by 2 women. I have one child from a previous relationship. His children are b/11, b/9, b/9, g/8, and g/5. My daughter is 9. One of his 9 year old sons, I have never met. He doesnt come on weekends or visitisit at all. Truthfully I'm glad, I have no real desire to meet him. As for the other four, they have the same mother. My boyfriend has full custody of the two boys and his BM has full custody of the two girls. We alternate weekends with the kids. The coparenting relationship is non existent which makes everything more difficult. The kids are non intelligent. None of them can read, the 5 year old cannot audibly speak, the 9 year old seriously puts his shoes on the wrong feet BY MISTAKE, none of them can eat without filling the table and the floor with food, none of them can clean, they are Ill mannered, none of them can shower or dress properly, plain and simple just annoying and a burden,  the list goes on. My 9 year old on the other hand is an advanced child. Straight A student, well mannered, self sufficient, outgoing,. Shes not perfect, shes a sassy one but its tolerable. 

I absolutely hate to see them coming and I am so happy when they leave. I try to leave as much as possible or hide in my room... we just got custody a year ago so it's now very difficult to hide because the two boys are here everyday. Their biological mom does nothing to educate them or to make things easier, she tries to turn them against me and their dad... it works. My daughter dislikes his children and doesnt want them here. I sometimes feel like I am selling my child short because I have to be a full time mom to kids that arent mine. I knew he had all these kids when we started dating but to be quite honest I never imagined I would have to deal with them, especially full time. I wish things would go back to when it was just my bf, my daughter, and I. My boyfriend and I argue A LOT about my feelings about his kids.... heres the crazy part... HE FEELS THE EXACT SAME WAY THAT I DO. He loves his kids but does not like them at all. He cant stand to be in the same room as them, doesn't like spending time with them and is generally annoyed by them. Even though he feels this way, he EXPECTS me to to be motherly and nurturing. it's a problem for him that I am not thrilled to be around his kids. He leaves me with ALL of them while he goes out with his friends without my permission. If I dont want to keep them he will threaten to break up. I'm so overwhelmed and dont know what to do. There is so much more to the story but I'll let you all chime in on this so far.. 

Comments

Winterglow's picture

He threatens to break up with you if you refuse to be their unpaid maid, cook, nanny, and general dogsbody? I say go for it! He's their parent and doesn't get a free pass to go out and leave them to the "staff". Who the heck does he think he is? Take your life back! You and your daughter deserve soooo much more and soooo much better than this misery.

Xoxo1234's picture

Thank you! It may be just a tad more tolerable if it was appreciate and not demand and expected. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Why are you subjecting your child to a life of chaos in a zoo of feral, neglected kids?

This man has screwed his life up good and proper. He's had too many kids, and now wants to dump his responsibilities on you. I don't care if he's a human tripod who massages your feet and showers you with diamonds - you need to put your child's needs first and get both of you out of this mess.

tog redux's picture

Seriously, 4 kids with one woman and an affair baby in the same year as one of them. He sounds like a prize!

He can't stand his own kids and won't take care of his responsibilities as a parent, making your life challenging and ruining his kids' lives too, by failing to teach them any life skills.

OP, I don't even know you, but I'm quite sure you can do better.

justmakingthebest's picture

I have so many questions...

  1. Why did either parent agree to split up the boys and girls, that is so unhealthy and has to cause issues with Mom favoring the girls and dad favoring the boys.
  2. If your DH has full custody of the boys, why do they act this way? Why hasn't he either gotten the kids in to occupational therapy to help them with coordination or actually taught his kids how to put on shoes and eat?
  3. Why are you a SAHM? You need to get back into the work force and not be dependent on him.
  4. The affair son- Why has he given up on a relationship with that child? Personally, I would not respect a man that didn't strive for a relationship with his kid. It isn't that child's fault that he was screwing around on BM1 and got his mom knocked up. He deserves to have 2 parents that love him.
  5. If your boyfriend isn't willing to parent his kids why doesn't he give primary of all 4 to BM and just get all 4 EOWeekend? Just be a Disney dad 4 days a month? 

Xoxo1234's picture

1. They have been split up since birth. The BM dropped the 2 oldest boys off with my bfs parents when the oldest was 1 and the second born was new born. She was and wanted to still party and do her thing. Fast forward, she NEVER came back to get them. When the 2 girls were born my bfs parents told them that they were not taking anymore kids hence her keeping the girls. My bf finally after years stepped up and took the boys from his parents, out of guilt I believe. 

Xoxo1234's picture

2. He obtained full custody only about 8 to 9 months ago. He has little to no patience and tends to yell whenever the kids dont get things correct. We do correct them but ten years of cottling has proven very hard even for myself to undo. The children dont have mental issues that stop them from learning or cooperating, they just have no desire too. They are accustomed to his parents doing EVERYTHING for them. Even things like putting on shoes and bathing.

3. I am not a SAHM I work a fulltime job and I make just as much money as him. Finances are not a problem for either of us, not even a little bit. The problem is he expects me to act like a SAHM even though I'm employed. 

Xoxo1234's picture

5. He doesnt give her custody because she is a money hungry lunatic and she quite frankly as sad as it is, is a worse parent than him. We both had to put restraining orders on her that she has violated and caught charges for. She jumps house to house, job to job, and man to man. She is a very unstable person. He took her to court and was granted full custody of all 4 children...i literally crired! After her begging the judge and with probationary rules, she was granted temporty full custody back of the girls so long as she follows her probation restrictions. Im sure he would love being an EOW dad but its not really in the cards. Also before he took custody of the boys, he was paying BM over $1000 per month for the girls.

Xoxo1234's picture

 

4. He has never had a relationship with that child. He didnt find out about the child until the child was 2. He then tried to do weekend visits but the mother didnt want her son around me(no idea why, I dont know her). Sick as it is, my bf didnt even know the mothers name until he got a letter from the courts asking for a dna test. Gross I know.  When the mother began to make things difficult for him he told her that he never wanted the kid anyway and doesnt care about him so he just pays her the weekly support and makes no further effort. I dont agree with it but I'm already in over my head with the other 4 so I have no desire to put up a fight with him about it. I feel bad for the little boy. 

JRI's picture

This relationship is miserable and will get even worse with all these unparented kids.  I think you know that, too.  It is so tough to leave, I know from experience.  The good thing is that you have a job.  Is it your place or his?  I have a feeling you know you need to end this but just don't know how.  The first thing to figure out is who goes, him or You? Good luck, it will be hard but you will be so glad you did this tough thing for yourself and your daughter.