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Dear Annie... stepmother edition

ESMOD's picture

To be honest, I actually think the LW has it pretty good. Her SK's don't seem to hate them. She gets along with them and doesn't have to spend overly too much time with them.

I don't understand how she thinks that grown adults who never had her in any form of a mother role would think to celebrate mother's day with her???

She is "dad's wife". Yes, the stepfather gets some acknowledgement, but perhaps he came into their lives younger? Perhaps their mother insists on it? (and mom seems to be the favored parent). Perhaps her husband wasn't as involved in the kid's lives in their youth through choice or PAS?

I would be happy they weren't causing


hereiam's picture

I think it's just the same 'ol story of more loyalty to BM, more accepting of SF.

I never, ever expected my SD to celebrate me on Mother's Day and I've been in her life since she was 5. My DH, however, keeps asking me what I want for Mother's Day. I think he just likes buying me things!

I do think that the BM over here, forced the step dad issue with my SD. BM wanted SD to be more loyal to her step dad than to her own dad. She wanted SD to consider her step dad more of a dad to her than her own dad. All part of that alienation and proving that DH was worthless.

SD doesn't fall for it anymore, considering BM is now on her 6th marriage.

WalkOnBy's picture

My DH makes the skids acknowledge me for Mother's Day and I think that's dumb - lol. He says it's his way of teaching them "respect" but I disagree. I don't need or want their acknowledgment, I get that from my kids. To me, it's just forcing them to do something they don't want to do. I also think it reminds them of what a shitty mother they actually have, but I have said my piece over and over and it has no effect on DH.

My kids always acknowledge their SM on Mother's Day. She came into their lives when they were little, and I assume that Asshat had them do this when they were little, because I certainly did not. Now that they are all adults, they get along pretty well with her (they have learned over the years that she is the bus driver in that marriage and the way to get what they need/want/whatever is to go through her - lol) and they recongize her for the role that she has played in their lives. I think that's great.

I send my SM a card and flowers every year. While she and my dad were dating while he was still married to my mom, and while I didn't like her for a number of years when I was drinking the PAS Kool-Aid, as I have matured and grown as a person, I recognize that she cares for me and my kids AND she takes fabulous care of my dad. I am so very thankful for that, and I let her know Smile

I think the letter writer has hurt feelings, and everyone gets to feel their feelings. Doesn't mean she's right, doesn't mean she's wrong. My take on it is that she isn't their mother, they obviously have a mother and so that's who the kids celebrate.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yep - it's always easier for SFs, that's for sure. I have no problem with her feeling hurt, but she needs to learn to let it go...

WalkOnBy's picture

I stand by always.

My daughter never lived with my DH. My boys lived with us every other week. My DH, as a SF, has it waaaaaay easier than I have it as a SM.

Ninji's picture

This will be the first year in seven years that I won't have skids on mother's day. I'm excited.

My skids have always made things in school and given them to me instead of BM. And now that they are a little older, we still do something nice on mothers day.

It's feels weird. But I'm not going to tell them NO when they try to give me crafts they made for mothers day. I usually just tell them to not forget about BM. I'm not sure they have ever given her anything or even said Happy Mothers Day to her because they are always with me.

SourGrapes's picture

SD7 is always with BM on Mother's Day, but I'm not looking for acknowledgment from her regarding the holiday. I'm not her mom, but I know she loves me and that is enough for me.

What goes up my skirt sideways is that SO doesn't acknowledge me on Mother's Day. SD7 is with us 50% of the time and I take care of her the exact same way that I take care of BD9. I don't think flowers are too much to ask for! I flipped out last year, so he better get his sh*t straight this time around. }:)

Sweet T's picture

I was just thinking about this the other day. My son's step mom is a very lovely woman who treats him well. He really likes her. I know Mother's day is hard for her. She was unable to have kids and her mom passed about 2 years ago and ( I have had limited contact with her but even so she has mentioned to me how much she misses her). Last year I had BS give her a beautiful out door plant ( his is before they were married). I plan on sending something with this weekend for him for her. ( my ex really did not do anything for her last year) I also think I will have him call her that Sunday and wish her Happy Mother's day.