Reverse PAS?
I know we see a lot of situations on here where the stepkids are being alienated by the other bio parent... to hate the step parent.. to view their other bio parent (usually father) with contempt.. to see them as an ATM.. even to actually promote bad behavior in the other home.. and often to try to get the child to view their other parent in a poor light and to discourage any relationship with the EX and the new spouse.
BUT.. there are also plenty of cases where I see PAS in the reverse. Where the stepparent actively tries to show their spouse what a horrible child their offspring is. Where the stepparent tries to exclude and reduce any time the child spends at their house. Where the stepparent resents the presence of the child because it makes them uncomfortable. Where the stepparent just wants their home to be their little family.. without stepkid around.
Now, certainly in some cases, the child has behavioral issues. But often the behaviors are really not that out of the ordinary.. it is the mere existence of the child that drives them to want them gone. There are dynamics set up so that even fairly normal (bad) behavior of kids pushing boundaries.. learning how to respect private property etc.. which ALL kids go through become reasons for banishment. Any transgression is latched on to and magnified. Basically trying to convince the bio parent to reduce time with the child. Not take them on vacations. Want to do things "just with me and our baby without those "brats"."
Now, I get it, lots of bio parents (mostly guys) will push off the kids onto their new partners.. a recipe for resentment. But, I see a lot of less than good hearted and lack of empathy by a lot of step parents too. I get that we don't have that natural biological connection to these kids.. but some of the efforts to minimize the Skids in their lives seem a little like the PAS that the BM's are also doing. Then later the Stepparents lament the fact that their spouses contributed to the poor relationship with their own kids. In some cases that's true.. but then again.. the bio parent has free will. But, it can be hard to fight a constant drip of negativity.
Am I the only one who sees this in some cases on here?
And certainly, I am not talking about those people with truly horrible situations.. but more the moderate to mild cases that seem to be overblown.
Do you all think their can be PAS in reverse?
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Comments
Well, it's common for men to
Well, it's common for men to alienate children from their mothers, too - as seen from Iamwoman.
But you seem to be saying SM's that keep the kids from having a relationship with their father - Booboobear has that exact story, and is now dealing with the aftermath, post-her father's death.
Yes, I think some of the women on here are unreasonable in their hatred of the skids and their desire to have them be gone. And some of the men are so passive, they let it happen.
Yes.. I'm seeing the
Yes.. I'm seeing the situations where it is actually the SM (usually) that tries to minimize the Stepkid's presence in their home/life. Where they want the parent to "hate" the kid as much as they do.
Sometimes it seems to come from a place where the step parent really isn't a kid person.
Sometimes it seems to come from a place where the SP just wants their "new" family and wants to exclude and diminish anything to do with the prior relationship ie the child.
Yep, and those are the people
Yep, and those are the people that should not have relationships with people who have children.
Yes it goes both ways! It
Yes it goes both ways! It actually really bothers me when I see it too. Sometimes there is a definite lack of compassion for the stepchild- and it really makes me wonder why they involved themselves with someone who has a child.
DH is alienated from his kids by the HCBM and it really is devastating and upsetting.
Im pretty much sickened by ANYONE who manipulates a parent child relationship.... whether that be a BM, a BD, a SM or a grandparent or other relative.
The key differences between
The key differences between them? The parent is an adult and their spouse is not an authority figure. Parents who allow their spouses to bully or push aside their kids weren't going to be awesome parents sans the spouse. They were probably already failing their kids in many ways and would have regardless of what the spouse said or did. No good parent lets their spouse ruin the relationship with their child.
Manipulating a child (PAS) is much easier than manipulating an adult. Children do not have the reasoning skills or ability to end the relationship with the alienator.
I don't hate my SSs...
I don't hate my SSs and I encourage DH to spend time with them, but I'm not interested in inviting them to spend more time at my home, because I'm the one who gets stuck managing all of their visits and I'm the one who is expected to "parent" (i.e. find things for them, organize meals, organize outings) when they are around. Is that PA'ing DH from his children? I don't think so. I'm not trying to get DH to see his children as bad, but I'm not interested in taking on the burden of dealing with SSs. I'm also not interested in enabling their helpless or age-inappropriate behavior. I see some of what you're describing as disengaging. I think - especially for men - if their partner disengages from their children, it can be difficult for them to maintain a strong relationship with their kids, because they are used to the women in their life organizing everything for them, including spending time with the children.
For example, I told DH that I am not planning any summer vacations for his kids. DH and I will be traveling in May and September to attend friend / family weddings and I'm considering that my travel for the year. If he wants to organize a summer trip for his children and I'm able to join them, then I will. I also told him that he'd need to save up to fund whatever vacation he was planning. He viewed that statement as me being negative toward his kids and not wanting them around, so in his mind, I'm probably trying to alienate him from his children. I don't see it that way, however, I see it as trying to maintain my sanity as a stepmom, which requires me to not take on his parenting duties.
For further context, in my case, BM is actively trying to PA the kids against DH, so his view of maintaining his relationship with his children involves spending money and entertaining them. Therefore, if I object to his spending more money than he / we have to entertain, he also has a tendency to view that as me trying to alienate him from his kids.
I agree with you, ESMOD. I'm
I agree with you, ESMOD. I'm always baffled when a stepparent claims that fulltime skids are a hill to die on. Um... I sincerely doubt your spouse had kids with the expectation of becoming a PARTtime parent. And there is always a possibility the NCP will become the CP.
We had issues with the boys when they were younger. I never stood in the way of DH seeing them whenever he wanted. At one point, I encouraged DH to go for custody of the boys because they were so miserable at the 'Ho house.
These steps who actively try to discourage and sabotage the bio parents relationship with their children should be with someone who doesn't have children.