differing views with my dad about my boyfriend and stepkids
My boyfriend is currently looking for a house, and I will be moving in with him shortly after. We plan to get engaged and married within the next year. Anyway, he has two kids, 8 and 9. One in second grade and another in 4th grade. We have already communicated about it, and he will contine to put them both in before/after school daycare while they are still in elementary school.
My dad, however, thinks that I should start taking care of them so they no longer have to be in daycare. That I should get them ready for school in the morning, pick them up, get their homework done, eat, etc while my boyfriend is still working. He thinks that my boyfriend would/should kick me out if I don't do these things.
I have tried explaining it to him why I won't, and that my boyfriend and I agree on this. There is a possibility that I would take over eiher morning or afternoon after a year, but we also plan on having another baby after getting married and settled down. I will be taking care of the baby for the first few years of their life, and would only put them in daycare 3x a week the year before they start school so that they can start socializing. I don't think it would be fair or right to have to take the stepkids to and from school while pregnant/with a newborn. I dont want to have to wake up the baby every morning to take the stepkids to school. Don't know if there will be a school bus, or how far away the stop would be, to possibly just let the baby sleep while I am outside getting them on the bus.
Am I right to feel the way that I do? Does my dad have a point with his views? Is there even a right and a wrong way to do this? How do I get him to understand and accept that stepparents do not need to do more for the skids than their own father.
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I think this is between you
I think this is between you and your boyfriend, not between you, your boyfriend, and your dad.
Your dad obviously has an old fashioned view on women's roles. These are not your kids and just because you are woman, that does not make them your responsibility.
Will you not be working? Is that why your dad thinks you should take care of the kids?
I know it is really none of
I know it is really none of my dads business. I work from home, not a typical job, and I don't earn much. I guess part of him also thinks that since I dont really earn much and don't work 40+ hours a week, that taking on this role wouldn't affect me too much. It would. I currently earn around the same amount as the daycare costs my boyfriend, and I would rather have the ability to work from home uninterrupted (until baby) with the hopes of earning more per month, rather than giving it up to take the kids to/from school
I think your father is being
I think your father is being realistic. While your BF may agree with you now, that doesn't mean his views won't change later. Especially if his kids are well behaved, polite, respectful...
Finances may cause him to change his opinion about enrolling his kids in before/after school care. If money gets tight paying for after school when there is another option is kind of crazy.
I think It's smart to have a plan in place from the start. However, both of you should understand that circumstances may change.
The younger son is autistic
The younger son is autistic and legally blind. He goes to a normal school, with the help of an IEP. Right now, his ABA therapist works with him 3+ times per week either before school or after school. He can also be a lot to handle at times, and when both of them are together, it is hard to get them to listen and keep them on task with what they are supposed to be doing.
I think Disney is hitting on
I think Disney is hitting on an issue that might end up making a difference. It sounds based on the information that you have posted that you make a fairly modest income.. in fact, your income would be similar to the cost paid for the outside of school care for the two boys.
One thing I would be very clear about in your situation would be the financial obligations of each party. I am assuming that your BF makes a good deal more so that he can pay for the kid's care in addition to most of the household expenses. I am assuming your income covers your personal expenses with maybe a bit more.. but it sounds like BF will be the main breadwinner (please correct me if I'm wrong) and pay most of the household's bills.
So, in that way, you are going to be holding down fairly gender normal roles of the man being the breadwinner and being out of the home.. you home-maker with a modest side income... who plans to stay home for her child. In this scenario, I can see the logic behind having you care for the other kids too because it would be a financial help. Since the boys would still be in school most of the day, it would still allow you to do your at-home job although not expand it as much if you didn't have that responsibility. Now, I don't think that you would have to be on the hook for all the care of the kids before school etc.. certainly your BF could handle some of that .. getting them up and ready and perhaps even getting them to school.
So, it's not all black and white.. but it's true that financially your BF might expect you to take this on at some point.. especially if your current at home work slows when you have a child of your own.
Now.. that being said, there is also another POV. Is it fair to have your ability to earn money stifled to the point that you would be in a serious situation if you were to split up? Should you be able to have your career and try to keep up to date with the work that you do in case you have to go it alone? Also, maybe if you wanted to work outside the home it might seem less easy to push this role onto you.
I don't think there is any right or wrong answer, but there are a lot of ways you can handle it. I would want to ensure that what you end up with is something both of you can live with.. so that you don't have a wall of resentment building up.
As to your dad.. thanks for the input, but we have decided how things will work best for us right now.
The second POV Here is Incredibly Important
The second POV mentioned is everything. I don't care how much your stb DH makes...you shouldn't tank your career and make zero income yourself so that he doesn't have to pay daycare for his kids.
All women should make their own money...at least some. It's dangerous not to, and you would really regret it if you gave up your income to raise someone else's kids and then came ot need that income down the road.
Tell your dad that you AND
Tell your dad that you AND your boyfriend feel that it's best for the kids to stick to the routine that they know. IF anything changes in the future, you and your boyfriend will make that decision together.
It's none of your dad's
It's none of your dad's business. If this is how you have worked it out with your boyfriend, then who cares what your dad thinks. I would maybe compromise and have your boyfriend pay for early morning day care, so you don't have to get the baby up, but let the kids come home after school. But again, whatever you and your BF agree to is what matters.
Emma you sound like a girl
Emma you sound like a girl with a plan. Thinking of your future is always good.
I am more of a living in the moment person. Although I always set goals for myself I love what each day brings. Some days may not be that great but it makes the ones that are even better.
You are not engaged yet and may be worrying about things that might not happen. Things change all the time.
You are in charge of your life. If and when potential problems come up then you handle them.
Your Dad may think he is helping but really you will work that out with your boyfriend. For now enjoy each day and know you will make decisions as YOU see fit. Good luck to you!
That is another thing. We
That is another thing. We haven't even lived together yet. I would like some time getting used to living with them full time before taking on additional responsibilities. It is also possible that after living with them after a little bit, that it is too much and it doesn't work out. I'm sure if that happened, my bf would be happy that he already has childcare set up instead of having to do it in the middle of the year without any notice.
Not your kids
Two adults made there kids. Those adults are responsible for those kids. You are not one of them.
if your father and aunt want to take care of them let them. You will never get any credit for what you do. Special needs kids are no fun.
"Thanks dad, I appreciate
"Thanks dad, I appreciate your input!" "That's an interesting idea, I'll have to talk it over with bf." "I appreciate your concern, bf will decide what's best for his kids."
Smile and hug your pops. Times have changed. Women are no longer chained to children and kitchens.
There's no reason for you to
There's no reason for you to step in and try to be super stepmom right away. In fact, as many on this board who have done so can attest...that often backfires and the kids end up resenting you and disrespecting you more than if you had taken your time and let them get used to the change gradually. You will not regret taking it slow and expecting their dad to continue to provide most of their care...usually, skids prefer it that way, too...despite people who try to guilt stepmoms into 'doing more' for their skids. Especially given the youngest boys' special needs, I think it's best for everyone if the routine continues for at least a year or two.
You've said you're open to changing the arrangement in the future...you sound sweet and like your heart is in the right place. That doesn't mean you have to be anyone's slave or whipping girl. Commentors trying to shame you for being selfish or 'not taking on adult financial responsibilities' or whatever else are delusional or didn't read carefully enough. It sounds to me like you are currently self-supporting and you would like to continue to be self-supporting. Just because your future DH's childcare bills are about what you make...doesn't mean that you should trade your earning capabilities in order to care for them. That's absurd. Those kids are his responsibilities...not yours.
You keep making your money, building your career, and caring for your baby, once you have it. The first year of marriage is the hardest even without skids...getting used to living together. Why doom it from the start by taking on so much extra responsibility? If, at some point in the future, you've grown to love your skids and they've grown to love you and you feel like you can take it on...then great! But that shouldn't be the expectation.
Sounds like you found a BF who is man enough to take care of his own kids and not shift all of his responsibility onto you...and who is also serious about creating a family where you're loved, respected, and cared for. Congrats. That's hard to find.
Thank you, this is exactly
Thank you, this is exactly how I feel. I have seen so many other posts on here and other places of stepparents who dont do anything for their stepkids, and even go as far as leaving whenever the skids are around. I don't want to be like that. Taking on all that responsibilty all at once would probably lead me to be one of those step parents who never wants to be in the same room as the skids... In some instances, it makes sense, when the skids are so disrespectful and there is nothing else to do. I want to try to avoid that situation in my life, even if it means not taking on the responsibility of to and from school for a few years... once they are in high school they can fend for themselves (the older one at least).
This sounds very wise to me.
This sounds very wise to me. There are so many stepmoms who jumped in with both feet and tried to take on everything and play happy family right away. I think about 99% of those stepmoms regret it.