Should I or shouldn't I?
SD20's family day for college is coming up, and DH likes to delude himself that he and SD20 have a "good" relationship. If "good" consists of accepting lies and forking over cash while turning a blind eye to what you KNOW is going on, then he is correct.
So, he wants to take our two BDs (ages 10 and 7) along for the ride. I will NOT go because SD20 is a waste of skin. It is a 5-hour drive one way, 10 hours round trip. Unless I let him borrow my car, they will be jammed into his tiny stick shift truck (getting three people in is a tight fit).
SD20 trash talks me in front of our two BDs. She is an exceedingly bad influence, what with drinking alcohol every weekend, smoking marijuana and doing other drugs, not working (got fired), having unprotected sex with a guy who has six kids with four women, and totally mooching off anyone willing to fork over cash to her. I really do NOT want my kids exposed to that, not to mention their dad's tacit approval by not telling SD20 she is wrong and needs to shape up.
In addition, SD20 absolutely did not acknowledge BD7's birthday less than two months ago, and I don't expect to hear from her regarding BD10's birthday, which is coming up soon. For Christmas, DH gave each BD $20 and claimed it came from SD20, but I KNOW it came from him. She doesn't care about them, never calls his phone to talk to them, never texts them, never sends them a card, nothing.
Knowing all this, do I let them go along with him to see SD20, knowing she is, after all, their half sister? Do I just "hope" they have a firm enough foundation of my raising them all these years to not see what she is doing and think it is right? My knee jerk reaction is to say no way, but I don't want my BDs resenting me for keeping them from having a relationship with SD20.
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Thanks stepdown, I know this
Thanks stepdown, I know this is the right thing to do, I have to fight the urge to shield them from SD20. Plus, driving 10 hours in one day is not much fun. If they left at 8 am they wouldn't get there till 1 pm. And if DH wanted to stay and take SD20 to dinner, they wouldn't get hom until after midnight. It's a super long day and I hate to put them through it. And I have other concerns as well I didn't mention, such as DH letting our two bios ride in a car driven by SD20. I "know" she texts and drives, and she speeds, and I'm not willing to place their lives in her hands.
"They'll be with dad, they
"They'll be with dad, they won't be exposed to anything too bad."
This comment almost made me laugh out loud vickmeister! I know where you're coming from, but DH has always been "helpless" to control SD20 and her behavior. He knows she's drinking and smoking marijuana, and she knows he knows it, and he does nothing.
But, I get where you are coming from.
If DH takes my car, I will be stranded as I cannot drive a stick.
Yeah, it hasn't happened
Yeah, it hasn't happened lately because they have not been around SD20. DH's answer is always, "That's in the past." Um, everything is in the past the second after it happens. He is SURE she'll grow up some day, but I see no signs of that yet.
See my dilemma? Yes, SD20 has
See my dilemma?
Yes, SD20 has trash talked me in front of oldest BD, DH was in the car with them and again was "helpless" to get her to stop. Oldest BD was in tears when she got home, and I laid into him. He said he would never let it happen again, but they have rarely seen SD20 since then.
He doesn't let her drive them around, but only because EVERY time he is going to see her I tell him, "Do not let SD20 drive when our two BDs are in the car." He gets all resentful and reluctantly agrees, which tells me that if I didn't TELL him not to, he would gladly let her.
I REALLY wish I had a decent person for a stepchild who could separate her hatred for me from her attitude toward my two BDs, but that has not happened. She has shown from the day they were born that she'll gladly hurt them to get at me.
Do your BD's want to go?
Do your BD's want to go? After
episode? BD10 already had a dose of SD's hurtfulness - why subject her again? I wouldn't force it.
They want to go because DH
They want to go because DH talks it up and, frankly, they can't understand why SD20 does NOT want a relationship with them. So in their little minds they want to go there and convince her they are worth caring about.
When pigs fly will SD20 make
When pigs fly will SD20 make any sort of effort to see BDs, or DH for that matter. It is ALL ABOUT HER. DH has been trying to get her down here for ages to see his parents, who are not well. She won't come because the drive would inconvenience her (even though she's not working), she might actually be expected to pay for her own gas (gasp!), and she cannot stay at our house because of the way she has treated me. DH's parents would be glad to have her stay with them, so that one is a lame excuse, but she'll come up with a million of them and DH will always make excuses. If DH wants to see her, HE has to be the one to make the effort.
If they go, they will
If they go, they will eventually see through the ruse, but that will definitely cause them to lose respect for biodad in the long run. My BD saw through my own sister, a ne'er do well, never held a full time job for longer than a year, juggle three boyfriends at one time, well, loser. "Auntie Loser" is kept at arm's length as far as my grown BD is concerned.
I think DH should focus his
I think DH should focus his attention on SD20, and make an attempt to help her see that this is a chance for a new beginning for her. Neither of them should have the distraction of two small(ish) children diluting the message he should be giving her, which is to focus on school, try to lay off the weed/alcohol on school days, and stay away from boys/men. What is to be gained for the boys from a long car ride crammed into a vehicle? Is DH just wanting to use them as a buffer between himself and his daughter? The boys can always visit later, when there is a game to attend, or some other more suitable activity.
I say No, don't let them go,
I say No, don't let them go, for all of the reasons above!!
I don't know.. and this makes
I don't know.. and this makes me mad for you because my DH does this crap.
It appears that your DH already talked to your bios about this trip and has them excited to go, without talking to you about it first? So now if you say no, YOU are the bad guy.
However, in my bitchy little head I am thinking you should let your bios go, especially if they want to, because then SD won't get 1 on 1 princess time to manipulate your DH into throwing her more money, clothes, etc.