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O/T: DH gets a crazy counselor

Elizabeth's picture

DH has been having a really hard time lately, lashing out at me and the kids, so he decided he needed counseling. He met with his counselor the first time yesterday and reported to me last night that she had three recommendations. I think she is crazy. What is your opinion?

1. He and I need some sort of "time out" phrase where we both walk away from any argument for at least 30 minutes. He didn't like when I suggested that my phrase be "You're being an ass." Blum 3
2. He needs to quit his job. Evidently because it's a source of stress? Must be nice to live in a land where you can just quit your job, la la. I agree he needs a different job, but he doesn't need to just quit wholesale with no backup. He does have a family to be responsible for, after all.
3. We need to move back to the town we lived in 2.5 years ago because "that's where his support group is." Um, what about his family? We are here. Are we supposed to all uproot for him? He hasn't really tried to get a support group here, he's been holding on to the old instead of embracing the new. And, if we moved back to our old town, I wouldn't have a job either.

I was disappointed, to say the least. Instead of helping him find a way to deal with his current situation, she tells him to pretty much throw everything over and take two giant steps back? I told him I hoped he was looking for a new counselor and he said "maybe."


Elizabeth's picture

If we had to move back to our old town, we'd be homeless. Guaranteed. He agreed to this move, we never would have done it otherwise. We have friends here and do more things with them than we ever did in the old town. So I think that's just a smokescreen for what's really going on with him. Moving would NOT solve the problem, it would just move the problem to different scenery.

princessmofo's picture

"Also, he may have heard what he wanted to hear" ^^^THIS^^^ You have no way of knowing what they discussed unless he's signed a HIPPA release for you to talk to said therapist.

Justme54's picture

I hear you on the counselor. Sadly, counselors sometimes just give stupid advise. Then, you are left with this negative feeling...THAT WAS JUST A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY.


I had a live in that was poor mouthing paying his half of the household bills. This was after I let him live here rent free for 4 months. After the 4 months, he would be done with child support. He also about 42 years old and a mama's boy.
I went to the counselor I went to before when my ex and I were splited up.

Getting to the point:

Counselor told me he had seen this...Mama's boy and advised counseling. OMG! I went to the counselor to get comfirmed I deserved better and needed to kick him to the curve. Hello...this man is poor mouthing to pay his household bills. Do you think he is going to pay for counseling at $90 hr. I never went back to that counselor. I kicked the live in out.

zerostepdrama's picture


Elizabeth's picture

You all are right, I can't know exactly what DH told the counselor. I just find it hard to believe anyone would give the advice to throw over all the stability in your life. I don't think that would make him happy, to be homeless? Because that would be the result.

Maybe I should have titled this post:
What the HELL did DH tell that counselor, anyway?!

kathc's picture

A. You don't know what HE said to the counselor.

B. You don't know what the counselor said to HIM.

Let's face often do we see DH rewriting history with BM ("she'll work with me on this schedule change") or skids ("they don't just come around for money!") because it fits what HE wants to hear/see??? (I mean all DH's not just yours) Seems he could be doing that now. Maybe HE wants to quit his job and move and he's claiming the counselor told him to do that.

NO counselor, BTW, is going to tell someone that the first time they meet. In fact, they should NEVER say that.

moeilijk's picture

Phrase to stop an argument - goal is to stop argument, good goal. Many techniques available, not just code phrases. That one is okay imo.

Quit job - nonsense. No reputable therapist would suggest cutting off income source as a way to handle stress, since obviously being homeless and hungry in the winter would be at least equally stressful. If he is so stressed that she's recommending quitting as an alternative to suicide, as one poster suggested, thrn more appropriate would be immediate psychiatric intervention.

Moving back - problem is that you wouldn't be moving back to things as they were 2.5 years ago, but to things as they are now. Would that support really be there? Seems to be a careless suggestion.

I suspect he's not being honest with you or the counselor, not necessarily on purpose, but people hide from their baggage all the time.

misSTEP's picture

I wonder what YOU would have heard the counselor say if YOU would have been there? I guarantee it would be something completely different than some of the stuff he is spouting off.