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Here we go again another selfish, self center bio mother....

dragonfly5's picture

Sometimes the Step world just exhaust me! Did anyone see the lifestyle article today in Yahoo about the "Stepmom claims biological relationship to stepchildren".

I read it twice thinking I must be missing something.

1st of all let me say, many people think my steps are my bio's. They tell me my sd17 looks like me, that my ss20 is well mannered etc....After this many years I just nod and say thank you. The steps do it too.... your mom this, your mom that. They just smile and say thank you...blah, blah, blah... We do not feel the need to correct them. They are an acquaintance or strangers just making a comment. We are all polite and move on. We do not feel the need to correct every single person that comes our way. 

This crazy bio mother is jealous.. REALLY.  Her insecurity jumps out of the page. Your real friends know who your children are and you are their mother. Does every single person on the earth need to know you are the bio mom? I am a bio mom and I am not insecure because some other woman is kind, nice and treats my daughter well.

The woman is not trying to claim your family.... it is just easier not to explain the details all the time.  ALSO you should be glad she loves your children and grandchildren.  The more people that love them  and care for them the better. 

My advice would be "Lady I quite assure you I know these are not my bio children.....stop being so petty." 




Bunny2's picture

Do ALL 2nd wives hate BMs? I am just curious... I would think everyone would want to get ALONG for the sake of EVERYONE. That wasn't the experience I grew up with, my MIL didn't have that experience with her (and my husband 's Dad) second marriage to each other... But I know it exists... 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I don’t think this is about hating BM. It’s about the fact that any time we do something nice for a kid or dare to care about them we’re told “you’re not mom.”  NO REALLY? I thought I just magically forgot carrying a child for 9 months, labor, oh and somehow totally ignore the fact they are gone from my home 85% of the time.

We don’t need to be told “you’re not mom.” Not announcing it to the world and every stranger every 5 seconds doesn’t mean that we are pretending we are.

dragonfly5's picture

They are all one big happy family they celebrate holidays together they all get along. But yet she is complaining because she feels this woman doesn't explain to everyone that she isn't the bio Mom.  It is not a matter of hating or disliking the bio mom or the being the second wife it is a matter of respect and understanding someone else is spending time with your child you should appreciate it whenever they are kind loving and treat your child as you would. Too many times Stepmother's get thrown under the bus because there's some crazy bio mom out there that can't accept the fact that life goes on and it's okay if somebody else loves your child.  Just because your child loves their step parent does not mean they love you any less. I quite assure you my daughter knows who her mother is.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

We don't hate them unless they're psycho, narcissistic, control freaks, high conflict, or otherwise causing issues on a consistent basis. It's when they start causing issues and aren't civil or start trying to flirt with our DHs that it causes conflict and ill feelings towards one another.

Most of us came in thinking things would be civil, minds were only changed when we proved that wasn't the case at all.

ESMOD's picture

I'm gonna jump on in here and be a bit blunt.  The vast MAJORITY of SM's go into steplife hoping that the kids will like them and that they can have a decent relationship with the EX.. because.. NO.. not for the children.. but for the sake of her OWN LIFE.  I mean, who willingly is going to go into a situation hoping that they won't get along with the kids and wanting a toxic EX?  Seriously.. WHO????

Generally it is the Biological Mother (or GUBM.. golden uterus bio mother) that takes an immediate dislike and develops a resentment for the SM.  She will take every good thing a SM tries to do for/with the kids and turn it upside down.  For her.. usually the CP (custodial parent).. she already has the kids most of the time and a good chunk or the Exes money.  What she can't stand is when her EX moves on and brings "that woman" around her darling kids.  That women better not think she can horn in on any of mamma's territory.  She better not have an opinion about the kids.  They are none of her business (despite many SM's actually helping to financially subsidize their SKIDS).  BM is jealous that her kids might actually love... nay even like the new partner.  She will call during visitations to make sure the poor kids have to recite how much they miss and love their mommy.. and how much mommy misses THEM.

Yep.. it is almost always the BM causing these problems.  I was all fine and good to be an adult with the EX because.. hey.. I hate drama.. don't need it.  I figure happy kids.. happy life ya know?  Well.. as it happens I ended up with a good relationship in spite of their mama's attempts to PAS them and make them think their father was a deadbeat and I had zero standing as an adult in their life.  Funny but I'm the one that gets called for advice now that they are grown.

But, I digress... SM's grow to resent the other adult that is acting anything but adult.  The woman who constantly attacks our husbands and threatens to drag them back to court for more money.. and lies and wheedles more and more resources out of our homes that half the time don't even benefit the children but go to pay mommy's bills.


Sorry for the rancor.. but this is a road you don't want to go down because you have a flat out backwards view on this particular issue.

ESMOD's picture

Ok.. well unfortunately there are some people that hate their EX and the new partner more than they care about how pathetic they are and how damaging it is to those very children they profess to love.

And.. you know what? even after all the crap my DH's EX put us through.. I actually feel a bit sorry for her because she has wasted so much of her life by being toxic to others...(steplife is not the only area in her life that her personality causes problems).  She has had more jobs and schemes to earn money than I can recall.. perhaps 5 or more a year for the last 15 years.. she literally can't work in her home area because she has burnt so many bridges.  Her BF cheats on her regularly but with no steady income she can't escape.. she can't even drive away because he owns the car she drives.  Now over 50 her looks are fading fast due to her sunworship.. the woman is pretty darn sad if you ask me.  I'm just thankful I no longer have to listen to her threats and drama... such peace after the girls aged out.

TwoOfUs's picture

It doesn't sound like you're trying to understand, hon.

Not sure how you could read that story and pull out "all 2nd wives hate BMs" from the post. That's why it sounds judgy. 

Bunny2's picture

No, I just have not seen ONE post on here mentioning the BM that isn't some variation of "I hate that Bm".

TwoOfUs's picture

Sure you have. There are plenty of SMs on here who say nice things about the BM and/or get along fine. 

That has been explained, this is a venting site and most people are here because they're NOT in a great situation... and so they vent a bit. That still doesn't explain your comment on this post.

Believe it or not, SMs often do have very legitimate complaints about BMs...which you likely can't ever understand given that you haven't been a SM. Even your own sainted mother may not have been as wonderful to your SM as you imagine.


lieutenant_dad's picture

But you can't until you live it. Until you are faced with step life as a stepparent, you can't understand.

Again, I say this as both a SD and a SM. I thought this life would be super easy since I "lived it". Bahahahah! Nope.

Bunny2's picture

At least I'm willing to TRY to see the other perspective? Doesn't that count for something?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Sure, to a certain extent. But you have to be tactful about it. Coming on here, though, and asking if we all hate BMs would be like me posting on a Black Lives Matter page "do all African Americans just hate cops?"

Even if you don't intend it to, it comea across as inflammatory to people who have actually suffered from BMs/BFs. Some posters have been physically assaulted by their partner's ex. Their homes have been broken into. They have been investiaged by CPS due to lies spread by exes. They have lost their jobs. They have lost substantial amounts of income. They have lost a whole lot, and they have a whole lot of reasons to be angry, hurt, and frustrated.

You're on a site where 97% of us are dealing with high conflict step situations, usually with mental ill people. We are here to get some reprieve from the onslaught, not be accused of not liking BM just because it's the thing to do. I dislike BM for many reasons, but the fact that she physically abused my DH is the reason I wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire. And the BM in my life is tame in comparison to others.

If You want to learn, spend some time reading old blogs. Read full backstories. Sit back and watch everyone interact for a while. Asking pointed questions right out the gate of people who are CONSTANTLY told to do better, turn the other cheek, be abused or have their lives torn apart isn't going to garner you much sympathy or hospitality. But you'll certainly get honesty.

Bunny2's picture

Not even REMOTELY the same, but look at the title "here we go again:another selfish, self-centered, bio mom". And I looked at posts about four days before asking any questions. I m just trying to wrap my head around it all and let go of my baggage?

TwoOfUs's picture

It's actually an incredibly apt comparison and the fact that you dismiss the possibility of the similarity without giving it a second thought further demonstrates that you're NOT interested in understanding stepmoms at all.

You're essentially coming on here saying: "Explain to me why you all are evil and hate BMs for no reason?" and when we try to set the record straight and tell you our experiences you whine: "But I'm just trying to UNDERSTAND you!! Doesn't that count for SOMETHING?!" So we explain how your question comes across and a bit more about how we feel and you say: "No. That's not what it's like. I'm  just trying to UNDERSTAND!!!" 

Forgive us if we quit responding to this nonsense. It's obvious that you're 24 and you have it all figured out. 

TwoOfUs's picture

How can you not see that asking "Do ALL 2nd wives hate BMs?" puts the responsibility for any and all problems squarely on the shoulders of the stepmoms...who research have shown are most often the victims, the least considered, and the least protected member in a blended family. That question doesn't sound like it comes from someone who is trying to understand sounds like someone who wants to blame stepmoms. No thank you. We get enough of that idiocy in our day-to-day lives and don't need it here...on a site that was created for US.

There are plenty of resources for CODs out there...plenty of sympathy to go around and people willing to see things from the kids' perspective. Not so much for stepmoms. That's why we get a bit defensive. Sorry if you honestly can't see that and are genuinely clueless about what you're doing and how you're coming across. I guess I'd just say this site isn't really meant for you and leave it at that. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Yeah, because this is a VENTING site for stepparents. Stepparents who deal with selfish, self-centered bio parents DAILY. Some who have PTSD from their situations with bio parents.

None of us can help you with your baggage. We even tell SPs on here that we can't and recommend therapy. 

Specific to this post, though, how do you think you would feel if you spent your time, money, and energy helping your partner raise his kids only to have Mom come back and say "don't you dare take ANY of the credit for this"? I don't expect to be treated like a mom, but I certainly feel like I should get some recognition for taking my SSs out to buy new clothes, helping with homework, cooking them meals, etc. I didn't birth them and they aren't my children. But eve if we buy into the philosophy of "you knew what you were getting into, so be a parent", it SUCKS to do parent things then be told to not accept the title. It BREEDS resentment, and there are far fewer people in this world willing to say "that's jacked up that you don't want SM to get recognition " than there are saying "wow, thanks for stepping up and helping".

s-kill me's picture

Unrelated, can you please stop typing certain words in ALL CAPS? It is super ANNOYING!

TwoOfUs's picture

Ah. Well pro tip from someone who's taught composition and rhetoric for over a decade. When you're tying to 'understand' the other side it's best not to start by restating your own preconceived assumptions or by insulting them. 

For example...after a post like this, about a BM causing a problem where there doesn't need to be a problem...perhaps 'Do all 2nd wives hate BMs' is not the best question to ask. Maybe a better question would be: 'Do you find that most BMs create petty strife with 2nd wives over nothing and seem to enjoy making their lives miserable?' or 'How many of you here have had difficulties with the BM in your life and what have those difficulties been?' 

Those are questions that telegraph a desire to understand the position of stepmoms. Your question telegraphs judgement and disdain. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Bunny2, that's becuase this is a website of people with toxic exes. If the exes weren't so toxic and causing issues, a LOT of us wouldn't need this outlet.

There are good BM and SM relationships out there. One of my close friends is an AMAZING BM with a fantastic relationship with her kid's SM. But for most of us on here, that just frankly isn't a reality, and probably won't ever be for us. Those who aren't having the issues, don't need to come here and vent oridinarily.

Ispofacto's picture

Bunny, This is the site where "SMs come to vent".  The happy SMs don't come here.  Your all or nothing thinking is troubling.

DaizyDuke's picture

" The vast MAJORITY of SM's go into steplife hoping that the kids will like them and that they can have a decent relationship with the EX.. because.. NO.. not for the children.. but for the sake of her OWN LIFE".

Every word of this^^^^^

This was me.  I am very non-confrontational.  I am the type of person that assumes that every person I meet, I will like and we will hit it off and get along just fine, because generally I DO get along just fine with everyone.  I stupidly thought that I could be friendly with BMs, that we could sit together at games and cheer on skid, that we could enjoy skid birthday parties, that we could simply be I would offer to bring SS to BM2 house rather than make her meet me 1/2 way, I would send home brownies or cookies with skids to share with their BMs/siblings, I would help skids pick out and purchase mother's day and Christmas gifts for BMs.  But I soon found out that for whatever reason, not all people are "nice" and that some people have hidden agendas, or mental issues or whatever their problem is and they take it out on others. 

I tell BS8 this all the time, because I truly believe it... "sometimes it's just nice to be nice".... I guess unless you're a jealous or mental or whatever BM (or SM) then it's impossible to be nice.

Cooooookies's picture

I don't hate BM1.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  She has been invited to my house numerous times, I always talk to her the most at any family/party events at SS35's house.  She even set up the food at SS35's house after DH and I were married at the registry office.  Currently planning to go the the local amusement park with SD33 and BM1 sometime in the summer.

BM2?  Wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire.  The difference?

BM1 has moved on.  BM1 doesn't send nonsense messages that have nothing to do with the child/ren she had with DH.  BM1 didn't spend all of last year trying to get my DH back.  BM1 didn't plant her thong undies in my laundry basket, hoping I'd find them and accuse DH of cheating.  BM1 didn't ask DH, in my own home, why I couldn't just F off back to America so they could get back together.

BM1 is sane and respects that her and DH have long divorced and are civil.

BM2 is a raging hoar lunactic.

Difference.  Us SM's never hate the BM's simply because of their relation to our DH's.  We hate them because they are bat crap crazy lunatic psychos who won't leave our DH's alone and move on like sane human beings.  Big difference.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

It’s human nature for us to label things. Any time you have an adult male with an adult female and a child or children that in any way resembles the two there is an assumption that it is a “normal” family.

Even families like ours make these assumptions. We were out at a fair when a sales person was trying to get us to buy something for the girl. She looked at dad then saw the way he looked at me so she figured out I was the one with the money. “Come on mom doesn’t it look cute,” it wasn’t till the 3rd time she called me mom that my future step daughter decided to say “She’s not my mom.” The woman after even said she has her own step kids.

It was awkward for all of us. We didn’t say anything because who wants to explain to a stranger. “No I’m just the girlfriend and they are my boyfriend’s kids.” On top of that it downplays the connection me and the children do have. I love these kids. Me and the little girl have an amazing bond and yes she does sort of look like me. We look like mom and daughter. We know we’re not but that doesn’t explain the connection we do have.

StepMamaBear6's picture

My stepson(stb17) the other day told his friend on the phone, "Let me ask my mom."  Then he looked at me and said, "Hey, can the guys come over and go swimming tonight?"  I was startled at first - like, "Is he talking to me?"  When I realized that he was indeed talking to me, my heart melted a little.  I have raised him since he was 3 and this was the first time in a LONG time (think years) where he didn't identify me as his stepmom or my first name.

I am not trying to take my skids' BM's place but it is hard for him to think of his BM as mom when he sees her 10 days a year (or less) by her own choosing.  For almost all purposes, I am SS's mom -- I just didn't birth him.  His BM checked out of his life 14 years ago and hasn't spent much time looking back.

hereiam's picture

People assuming a biological relationship is quite different than a SM claiming one. Some women are just so insecure.

Do ALL 2nd wives hate BMs?

No, and when they do, it's not because they are the BM or the ex, it's because of their actions and their behavior. It's the person, not the title.

It's the BMs that usually have a problem with the new wife and they are not subtle about it. You add a personality disorder, to insecurity and jealousy, and you've got a high conflict BM. No one wants that.

The people that don't have these issues, are not on this site, they don't need to vent.

TwoOfUs's picture

My BM isn't high conflict - she's just dense as a post and thinks the world (aka DH, me, DH's parents) should take care of everything for her. It gets exhausting. Just be an effing grown-up. 

Also, while being completely passive and passive-aggressive, and downright lazy (a trait she's passed onto the kids) and having zero ambition to better her situation, she also turns around and mocks my DH and his parents for their success and ambition in front of the kids. It must be nice to be able to mock people for being 'too materialistic' and then turn around and ask those same people to bail your lazy, terrible-with-money a** out of trouble over and over again.