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I normally read..lurk, post little... but this has me really angry

dragonfly5's picture

Did you all see this today?

Really, why is it that people who have no clue about being a step parent want to speak for us all and put all of our situations in one bucket.

All of her points are unfortunate but #5... really?

My advice for you on your column is : You have no clue...and you should not be giving advice....

Being a step parent is an un-natural state of being.....if it was only as simple as she states....


SugarSpice's picture

numbers 4 and 5: no way in hell.

thanks for posting this. so very unrealistic.

just look at the happy sm in the picture. so happy and willing to be a door mat.

So_Annoyed's picture

I so don't agree with most of this.

Aside from not talking crap about BM the meth-head in front of skid, this is BS.

Edited to add - she must not have kids of her own, and she must be one of the lucky few who doesn't deal with a nutcase BM.

ESMOD's picture

Here is the thing. If the EX is such a lovely person then WHY did your DH get divorced from her and force his kids to deal with a split up family??? HMMMM????

Chances that the blame for this lands squarely on one person's head or the other right. One of them was an ass or a cheater or damaged in some way that made it impossible for them to stay together. I just don't buy the "we were in love, got married, had kids and then just magically fell out of love, no fault on anyone's part".

I believe most people will put up with a LOT so that their kids have both parents in the home. (sometimes too much like abuse)

ESMOD's picture

1. Yes he had life before you.. everyone has.. how ridiculous.
2. Um nope, don't have to like her. Shoot DH doesn't like her. Both my Skids are over 18 and the only contact we have had with the EX was her failed attempt to blackmail my DH into paying her health insurance.. or else she would take him to court for spousal support (way past any time that it would have been possible).
3. Don't badmouth the other parent. Yeah, I can go along with this, but that doesn't mean that you can't defend your spouse if the kids spout off with some trash mommy said about them. I did tell my YSD that while everyone has their part in the divorce, there WERE reasons why her dad couldn't stay with her mom any further.. and that her mother wasn't an innocent/injured party in the situation. (conversation happened when YSD was over 18 btw).
4. Yeah, maybe/maybe not. Don't expect it.
5. UM.. nope. Kids do not rule the world and they are part of a family where everyone's needs will be considered. They will not always be put first.

I really have a feeling this was written by a Bio MOM. GUBM/MOTY

BethAnne's picture

It think the key here is to not give generic one size fits all advice. What works for her and her household will not work for all.

Maxwell09's picture

Raise your hand if you don't believe for a minute she is a real stepmom having to do real stepmom things. Ha! Get along with BM? Yes because she is such the precious gem, why haven't I tried that...oh wait I did :sick:

Snowflake's picture

There is always a reason that people get divorced, and it doesn't make for pleasantries afterwards. Anyone who has been through a divorce knows this.

I generally have a dislike for (rhymes with) hunty witches. So I am not going to like one now just because my husband used to dip his stick in one.

z3girl's picture

Wow, the author is so naive. This sounds like her first relationship ever, nevermind marriage! The only remotely rational part is where she says to not bad mouth the ex in front of kids. Otherwise, wow, I need whatever happy drug she's taking.

ntm's picture

Look at the ages of the cute little bundles of joy. Give it a few years. And as for rule #2, that starts with the BM learning not to be a total AH to the SM. How can I "like" someone who badmouths me to her kids? Who pretends I don't exist? Who gets angry if the kids talk about me? Who says I'm not allowed to meet "her" children because my relationship with my DH is "purely sexual."

Yeah, let's ask her for the five year update.

Acratopotes's picture

I only agree with number 1 + 3 the rest... nope...

I hope this woman falls in love, have children, 2 and then gets divorced, may she meet a guy with 3 kids from previous marriage and live happily ever after in step hell... wonder if she will have the guts to ever write anything again like she did in this article....

ESMOD's picture

The grand irony is that a BM would probably disagree with her too.

Many BMs will tell you a SM isn't a "real" mom. In reality, SMs can run the gamut from "real mom" to parental figure to dad's wife to "that b*tch".

Honestly, it really does depend upon so many factors. For her to high horse act like it's because these women aren't smart enough or not trying enough is sickening.

BM's don't want to like the new lady. BM's don't want their kids to love the new lady.

I guess that she is just into it so young and early and it's possible that her DH is a primo dad and things are wonderful. She ought to come to this site and see some of the reality though.

ESMOD's picture

IDK, I think it is enough. Every situation is different though... sometimes the relationships will be more motherly.. other times they will obviously be much less so:)

CANYOUHELP's picture

In an ideal world, yes, one might agree. We do NOT live in this imaginary world. With 80% of the step children hating their step mothers, the liklihood of achieving this utopian state, is next to zero. Maybe the other 20% have a good chance of doing so, that would be nice to believe. Hell, if the ex was so fabulous, he should still with with her and this lady would not have to even write this ridiculous article.

If I was that in love with the ex, I would be sleeping with her; since that is not going to happen, most of just insanity.

We should ALL be in love with all the ex's, seriously? The author is out of touch with reality!

GMA just reported this morning a new study citing babies ONLY take on their mother's gene for intellect (none of the father's); so we better love the ex's brains as well; if any of these new findings are true.

ESMOD's picture

Obviously, the better you can "get along" with your SO's EX the easier some things will be. The thing is, if your SO's EX is so lovely, reasonable and kind then I would be taking a good hairy eyeball look at my SO to figure out what was wrong with

I started out trying to be "friendly" with my DH's EX. I figured that it would be easier on everyone if there was no animosity. I came on the scene well after their breakup, so I figured a reasonable person wouldn't have a problem with me. It all started out fine. She played MOTY and was sweet as pie to me for a while. Eventually she became jealous and controlling of her children's interaction with me. I would be constantly reminded that "I was NOT their mother and they were none of my business". The girls tried that line on me exactly ONCE. I told them that as long as I was their father's wife that his children WERE my business. I said I am going to do everything in my power to ensure that you both grow up with manners, with morals and with an education and work ethic that will allow you to be successes in the world. The alternative will be you laying on our couch and baby, that is NOT going to happen.

AWWKNSWTD's picture

I believe this is the family that posted that picture a few years ago from Halloween with -- the author's husband (he took the pic and posted it), the author, her husband's ex, her new husband and that guy's ex. And the three kids -- two were his and one was his Ex's new husbands.

It went viral if I recall (it was on some holiday) and apparently lots of people have similar arrangements. Of course, what is true for one family is certainly not true. The problem with this kind of stuff is when people read it and expect all families to function a certain way.

And for what it is worth, I absolutely know step families that exist in similar dynamics