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DM0416's picture

I need advice.. I married my husband 5 years ago. He has a son and I have 3 children of my own. He gets his son every other weekend. My children are with me all of the time except for every other weekend when they go to their fathers house. Everything was perfect for the first couple of years. Then.. everything changed. I have been told by my stepson that he doesn’t want me around. He says I can come visit him and his dad when HE says that I can. But I cannot live with them. He has purposely broken 3 things of mine that meant a great deal to me. He laughed about it. I was in the bathroom once and he kicked a stool out from under my 2 year old daughter, drug her through the house (giving her carpet burn), locked her in her room and laughed while she cried and begged for him to stop. When asked why he did this, he shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn’t know why he did it. He has made up lies on me to try to get me into major trouble. He has also made up lies on his own grandpa and his mother’s boyfriend. He once told my other daughter that he would “hold her under water until the bubbles stopped coming up”. What child says things like that??? He has held a pillow over my daughters face until her face turned red and then tried to lie about it. I could go on and on and on...  Since all of these things happening, I now refuse to keep him when my husband isn’t home. This child is now 11 and bigger than me. I do not feel safe with him being here alone with me and especially my 2 girls. My husband and I used to get a weekend alone every 2 weeks but now we cannot do that anymore. His child is here when my children go to their fathers. When the birth mother is told about these things, she acts like we are making it up. She shrugs it off and doesn’t really care. My stepsons actions and words have really hurt me. I have explained this to my husband but he doesn’t seem to understand just how bad this is. He tries to discipline his child but nothing seems to help or work. Over the past 6 months, I have fell into a deep depression. I love my husband but I cannot keep letting these things go on. I have went as far as to leave when his child comes over. Where is the fairness in that? I shouldn’t have to feel like a prisoner in my own home. Basically, I am asking for advice from an outside standpoint. What would you do? How would you handle this? Thank you!!! 

Comments

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

He's a dnager to not only you, but the other kids in the household....  That makes HIM the issue, not you.  I think I would ask my DH to have visits outside of the home, and to get the kid into therapy.  I would also document anything and everything that has or does happen.  But in no way should the kid be back in the home.  He's only going to escalate if something doesn't change.

DM0416's picture

Thanks for your reply! I feel like my husband and his family just expect me to look over what has been done and keep giving him chance after chance. I’m truly at my end with this. Your outlook on this lets me know I’m not overreacting or “crazy” for feeling the way I do. Like some may say I am... 

DM0416's picture

I no longer allow my children to be around him. I guess my problem is that I don’t feel that my husband has taken this as seriously as I have. Of course if it were his child being done that way, he would feel differently. He has tried punishment. Very strict punishment. But when SS goes back to his BM, the punishment is dropped and she lets it go like it’s nothing. I keep talking to my husband about a “fix” to this issue but he says he doesn’t know what to do. That basically there is nothing he can do to fix it. He has also made comments about me no longer agreeing to keep my SS. It’s all a big mess! 

DM0416's picture

Last school year he had a lot of drama but it was the usual drama that all kids have. His grades are good. It seems that he does things to other kids (his cousin is one example) when the adults have their heads turned. He has done things to his cousin when he thought no adults were looking. Only several of those times, there in fact was an adult watching. He just didn’t know. He lied on his mothers boyfriend by saying that he choked him. Cops were called and once the cops were there he admitted that he lied. He has lied on his own grandpa. So, this issue isn’t only with me and my kids. I have so much anger and hatred built up. I feel terrible to have so much anger toward a kid but enough is enough. I am constantly thinking about these things. I guess that’s why I am now dealing with this depression. 

STaround's picture

First, you must protect your kids. 

Second, when things started to change, dad should have set up family counseling.  

Want2's picture

“He has also made comments about me no longer agreeing to keep my SS...”

You mean he wants you to go back to living as if everything was okay?

If so you need to get a professional opinion about all this. Because a child being suffocated, dragged and threatened is abuse and there’s no two ways about that. 

The abuser being a minor child the adult is responsible. And if DH is trying to guilt trip you into taking his responsibility that’s abuse too.

Can you see the abusive behavior swirling all around you? Even from extended family. It’s highly toxic. From the information you provided I don’t see any better choice for you than leaving.

DM0416's picture

Yes. He actually had the nerve to ask me to continue watching his child while he was working. When I disagreed and told him why I would no longer watch his child, he went on telling me how hard I was making things for him. He said that I’m the reason he doesn’t get as much time with his child as he used to. Maybe I am the reason he doesn’t have him here as often  but he should understand how much his child has hurt me and my kids. I cannot just allow him access to my children again. Next time, it could be so much worse and I’m not subjecting my children to that.

Winterglow's picture

There's no logic in that. If he's at work he's not spending time with his child. If you're looking after his child he is STILL not spending time with him. 

BTW, I fully support your decision.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

You did the right thing by keeping him away from your kids, so that was a great first step. Just to make sure I understand, do you have any joint children with your DH or are all three from your prior relationship?

You have choices at this point.

You can leave, and no one here would blame you. Your SS  sounds dangerous.

You could also stay, while continuing to keep your Bios away from SS, as you've already been doing. If you choose this route, I would absolutely make sure you save what money you can, and that you store your valuable items (lock them up). Put locks on your kids doors so he can't go in their rooms while he's there. Install cameras everywhere you can and back them up to a cloud. You will need proof as this continues and if/when your SS become more out of hand. You can also view live from your phone.  If you aren't comfortable doing this yourself, hire someone and pay to have it done. Most of all... document everything. Keep a journal every day he is there.

If you are on the fence, do the latter suggestion until you are ready to leave.

Hugs

ETA: Every time your husband gets mad at your for not watching SS on your own, send him an email to tell him no - keep a paper trail. "DH, as we have already discussed, SS violent tendencies towards my children, me and our home make him unsafe to be around. Further his lies could potentially jeopardize my ability to parent my own children. So no, I will not watch SS alone. You must be with him at all times he is in our home." Rinse and repeat.

ReginaPhalange's picture

I usually never suggest divorce, but I think that's your ony option.  If your children's lives are at risk, and your H doesn't agree, divorce.

Or, do not allow the kid in your house until counseling is complete.

DM0416's picture

His reply to everything his child does is “yes it’s wrong. No he shouldn’t have done it. I’ve done everything I know to do to change things. I can’t just throw him down. I cant not allow him in his dads own house. He’s JUST a kid. If he makes you so miserable, then just leave. I don’t know why you can’t just get over these things and move on. He has been acting better.” And so on and so on and so on. That’s the kids problem. He has no consequences for his actions. He was still bought a phone, he is still allowed to go on fishing/hunting trips with his dad, still allowed his PlayStation, still allowed to do everything he has always done. I also want to add that the child has went on a rage before and busted every glass candle in his mother’s house. Why? Because she tried to tell him no. He says at our house there are too many rules. There are normal age related rules in my home. I don’t run a boot camp. Lol Pick up after yourself, be respectful, do your chores (take out garbage, pick up laundry, my girls help with dishes and keep their bathroom tidy).. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for when it comes to pre-teens. I have thought a lot about this today and I see that my only option is to get out. I am not respected here and I have lost all respect for my dh. I’m sure I’ll be blamed for splitting up this marriage but if people could only see the hell I have lived with for years. If only... 

susanm's picture

Hunting trips?  Are you saying that this child, who has already exhibited violent and antisocial tendencies at 11 years old, has access to guns?

CLove's picture

Firstly, your SS - with all his actions, his abusive actions, hes only getting started. They will continue to get worse and hes showing zero remorse. The parents refuse to parent this child, and there seem to be no repercussions. MY SD, now 20, when she was a teen, she was abusive also, to her sister and to me, she lied and stole. It only has gotten worse.

He sounds like a phychopath. With narcissistic tendencies. Lacking empathy. I get that hes JUST a child, but he is a very destructive child.

Let your husband have him. Your children do not need to suffer. He is abusive to others in the family too, you say, what do THEIR parents say? ALso, nanny cams are great for documenting, if you want to stay, but it seems like this situation might not be fixable, because no one WANTS to change. Its impossible to change others. SD20, she doesnt see anything wrong with what she is doing, nor does her phycho crazy mother.

Good luck and keep posting!

DM0416's picture

The parents (my dh sister) of his cousins know how bad he is. But it’s just shrugged off and let go. I’ve tried my best to make everyone understand that this is only going to get worse. But that makes me in to a monster for suggesting that they get him help. I am always the bad one. I’m always the one trying to talk my husband into giving up on his child. That’s not what I want. I just want some sanity and these things fixed before someone gets truly hurt. It’s amazing how many others think the way that I do but yet my dh and his family plus the BM think otherwise. 

CLove's picture

Different people. Youd think that things would evolve - I mean, there are billions of people, and more than half us marriages have resulted in divorce, and those typically end up in 2nd or 3rd marriage, all with children involved.

No - you are what I term "safe to hate". The bio parents stick their heads in the sand, ignoring the obvious. You have no recourse but to either leave, or barricade yourself against the little phycho. Does your hubby and family have that whole "kids will be kids, isnt he a strapping young man, just like I was at that age" thing going on? When the kids are young its ignored.

OH! But they turn 13-15 and do the same chit and suddenly its fingeer pointing time. Its the mothers fault, the schools fault, his fathers fault, the steppers fault.

Luckily I was disengaged early enough I cannot be blamed, so I am blamed in other ways, and called the "stupid wife", and that DH chose me over "your own child!!!!! How could you do that, what kind of father are you."

Im not trying to sound harsh, it just appears that you are trapped at an impasse and must either quit and run, or ...something

DM0416's picture

Not sounding harsh at all! Everything you said is right on point. Unfortunately! I thought I was crazy for thinking the way that I do. I’ve been called crazy, stupid.. you name it. I’m just the angry, bitter stepmom that wants the SS out of the picture. “Eye roll” 

shellpell's picture

Leave. I don’t see your husband changing his mind or doing anything. You are responsible to keep your children safe. Dragging a 2-yr-Old??? Where were the adults when this happened? Bad situation all around. If ss11 EVER touched my children and my dh brushed it off, I would be out of there.