So much has happened still feel stuck
Hi I haven’t posted in blog before but I have posted. I have bs 12 and ads 22 and 26. Also she 1. Since we got married sds have been very difficult without going into too much usual mean girl stuff, gaslighting disrespect, culminated in me taking them off fb. I had enough and kind of disengaged.then sh lent oldest one money but boundaries were not enforced . Past 3 months we have done nothing but row as he just enables her. I have kicked him out twice and now he’s back in a last ditch effort to make it work.
While away I found a letter she wrote detailing the following
How he’s moved on since we married without them
He thinks more of bs gives home everything
Didn’t take or invite them on holiday ( why they are adults?)
Do not buy enough hints for sgs compared to others
Only care about sgs not her
Doesn’t feel comfortable in my house as last time I had friends over and she said we ignored her ( not. True)
Etc etc including this nugget “ I never thought I’d never be your whole world” and go we’re always there for each other and now he’s moved on without her and how hurt she is!! No mention of my name but then implying I should treat her same as my child most of it is about money ffs she’s married with a husband and she’s saying it’s from herself and her sister but signed just by her.
He never showed me this is was wrote a few months ago. I can understand why he hid it. There’s 3 people in the marriage but he thinks me saying that is wrong. I threw him out last week as he continually didn’t enforce the boundaries about lending money and we had a huge row. Of course he went there and she basically told him you’ve looked so unhappy for a long time I don’t think you should go back. Now I’m really possessive . Why is he telling me this??
I want this marriage to work but I feel terrible for cutting them out fully due to sgs. I don’t know what to do she is toxic currently seeing a therapist but she causes so much drama for veryone in the family. Help!!
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Hi we’ve been to a Counseller
Hi we’ve been to a Counseller and agreed boundaries . Our money is seperate but he guilted me into loaning money from joint account. Is agreed as it was agreed to be payed back or he would he hasn’t followed through so I have told him no more. Last counselling section I went alone and she agreed with me that he isn’t keeping up his end of the bargain. So no more loans. It’s just he makes me feel guilty but after I found the letter I said no more contact for me and then he was going on about sgk and how unfair I was being. I feel like whatever I do is wrong. The drama is caused by boundaries not enforced we can’t even go out for a date if she calls she’s prioity.
He's making you feel guilty,
He's making you feel guilty, because he's a jerk. You don't have to loan him money. If he can't afford it, he shouldn't buy things for his precious.
You have the right to avoid being treated like crap. You're no more being unfair than his kid is....
Have you asked him why is it fair that you have to be subjected to the crappy behavior?
Hate to say this. But you
Hate to say this. But you are not learning anything.
Not your kids, not your problem. Thay will never respect you, and you are playing there game. No matter what you do they are going fault.
Only way to get back is not to give them anything. No money, no gifts, no vacations, no cars.
Don’t invite them over, don’t go anywhere they are at
No money from joint account. If DH want to give his kids money then he has to get a second job for that.
You can't save your marriage
You can't save your marriage alone. You both agreed to boundaries, boundaries that seemed reasonable to a counselor I might add, and he is bullying you to throw those boundaries out. That's not a partnership. Unless and until he can hold up his end, you can't make things better.
He is actively choosing his adult child over you. He is telling you through his actions what means more to him. Believe him. If he wanted to save your marriage, he'd follow through with boundaries. If those boundaries didn't work for him, he would bring them up with the counselor and you to renegotiate. However, he isn't doing that. He says he agrees with boundaries, then pushes you to eliminate the boundaries, then doesn't do the one thing he said he would do (pay back the loan) to make it right. On top of that, instead of talking through issues with you and the counselor, he's running off to his daughter who he KNOWS benefits if you leave and who he KNOWS dislikes you.
These are not the actions of a man who wants to save his marriage. These are the actions of a man who wants OUT of the responsibilities of his marriage and wants his partner to either pull the trigger to end it OR makes him so miserable that he can't possibly be seen as the bad guy when he leaves.
Stick with the boundaries you have BOTH agreed to. When he whines to you, tell him you're sticking to the boundaries you BOTH agreed to. Remind him, as a matter of fact, that he has not upheld his end of the bargain regarding your loan and bending of said boundaries, so no more bending. Then tell him your next few counselling sessions together can go one of two ways: Talk about how he can repay the loan so you all can move forward toward new boundaries that benefit you both, or discuss how to begin separating your lives.
I'm sorry that I am not a bearer of happier news and support, but you can't do this all. Your DH isn't showing you that he wants to work out your mutual marriage together; he wants to do what he wants, and he feels entitled to your unwavering support since he produced children. If you want to give in and let him do as he wishes, then you can save your marriage. However, if you intend to have boundaries (as you should), then he has to be willing to at least meet halfway. Otherwise, there won't be a marriage to save.
Please tell me that when you
Please tell me that when you had a fight with your husband, and threw him out that he didn't run to his adult daughter and discuss your marital issues with her?????
That's not just grounds for divorce, that's grounds for trip in the trunk of your car after a shovel to the noggin.
I was 10 when my mom re-married. She and my step dad were attached at the hip, they did every thing together. During my teenage years me and my step dad did not get along all that great, because I was a hormonal shit head, who thought I could do as I pleased and didn't like to be told no. I moved out 1 week after I graduated, after I had a fight with him. But even after ALLLLLL that... I NEVER once wrote some stupid "oh woe is me, my mom abandoned me for step dad" letter or note. And I NEVER bitched to my mother about him. And after I moved out? My step dad and I got along just fine! I had both of them to my house every Christmas for breakfast and gifts, always got him gifts for Christmas and birthdays, and we actually had lunch, just him and I 2 weeks before he passed unexpectedly from a heart attack.
I just don't understand where these skids get these mindsets? Is it someone feeding them this shit like a BM or friend or media?? Because I NEVER felt slighted that my parents divorced, and I never felt left behind when my mother remarried. It's time for these bitches to ditch the diapers and pull up their big girls panties and stop getting their tinsel in a tangle over NOTHING! But with all that being said, if your DH feeds into their nonsense, they will keep doing it. Ugh.