Should I go Xmas a bit stuck
Hi I posted most of this I’m a blog but please excuse typos.
Hi I haven’t posted in blog before but I have posted. I have bs 12 and ads 22 and 26. Also she 1. Since we got married sds have been very difficult without going into too much usual mean girl stuff, gaslighting disrespect, culminated in me taking them off fb. I had enough and kind of disengaged.then sh lent oldest one money but boundaries were not enforced . Past 3 months we have done nothing but row as he just enables her. I have kicked him out twice and now he’s back in a last ditch effort to make it work.
While away I found a letter she wrote detailing the following
How he’s moved on since we married without them
He thinks more of bs gives home everything
Didn’t take or invite them on holiday ( why they are adults?)
Do not buy enough hints for sgs compared to others
Only care about sgs not her
Doesn’t feel comfortable in my house as last time I had friends over and she said we ignored her ( not. True)
Etc etc including this nugget “ I never thought I’d never be your whole world” and go we’re always there for each other and now he’s moved on without her and how hurt she is!! No mention of my name but then implying I should treat her same as my child most of it is about money ffs she’s married with a husband and she’s saying it’s from herself and her sister but signed just by her.
He never showed me this is was wrote a few months ago. I can understand why he hid it. There’s 3 people in the marriage but he thinks me saying that is wrong. I threw him out last week as he continually didn’t enforce the boundaries about lending money and we had a huge row. Of course he went there and she basically told him you’ve looked so unhappy for a long time I don’t think you should go back. Now I’m really possessive . Why is he telling me this??
I want this marriage to work but I feel terrible for cutting them out fully due to sgs. I don’t know what to do she is toxic currently seeing a therapist but she causes so much drama for veryone in the family. Help!!
Sorry was difficult to add as
Sorry was difficult to add as was on my phone at work. We have been invited to family over Xmas and osd and yes will be there. Part of me wants to go to show the nasty girl how I’m not going anywhere part of me feels physically sick of thought of being in same room. Sh just says I will support u whatever u decide I think I’ve realised though that as will always come first no matter what I do.
" Part of me wants to go to
" Part of me wants to go to show the nasty girl how I’m not going anywhere part of me feels physically sick of thought of being in same room"
Considering your DH and you have been rocky as heck with you kicking him out twice in the last three months, the "I'm not going anywhere" statement seems so hollow.
Because for fear of someone in your family finding your online posting here , you're so vague in what and how you write things, I must say it's really hard in not just following your post but so too in giving what may be appropriate advice.
Loaning money with strings isn't a 'boundary' it's a condition. And loaning money to family members is never a good idea. With your DH telling you if SD didn't pay it back to you he would, says right there that going in you were aware this was a very risky loan from the get go. I find it much more on your DH towards you than your SD... he is the one who broke his promise to his wife of seeing she (you) got repaid, not the SD. You shouldn't be loaning her your cash in the first place. Loaning anyone who is short of cash with the understanding they will quickly, if ever, pay you back has always seemed silly to me. My thoughts being, if the person is broke/short on making ends meet. how does 'loaning' money with expectations of it being returned from someone who is already overextended and strapping them even tighter make any sense.
Anyway, as to whether you should go. With the exception of the stepdaughter, are there going to be other people/family you do enjoy and would find being with them for Christmas a pleasant way to spend the time? Will there be others there who will be welcoming and friendly, who will be happy to see you and glad you decided to come? If not, why subject yourself? Stay home or go spend it with people whose company you do enjoy and thefeeling is mutual.
My SD has written/said things
My SD has written/said things like that "whole world" bit. Her favorite bit,though, was telling her father how he "changed" after meeting me. Yea, who doesn't change? What child is the lifelong center of a parent's universe? And what child WANTS TO BE center of a parent's universe? That's just whacked.
Yes sh has been told he’s
Yes sh has been told he’s changed too, the osd has had so much more than any of the family. It’s never enough , he’s tried to do boundaries but that culminated in the letter . My sh hasn’t took my son on he has a dad who supports him financially etc .
Hopefully your therapist will
Hopefully your therapist will tell you this: No you don't have to go.
TELL your husband (not ask) that you love him and he will go to his kids for Christmas WITH an armful presents and a cookie tray from you, and YOU are going to your sisters (or who ever)
Give him a hug and kiss as he leaves and let him know You cant wait until he comes home---your meet him with his favorite cocktail in the living room.
IF she/he has not told you this...find a new therapist.
See how that works.