You are here

Frustration

DAlati0323's picture

When I got divorced the first time, I swore I would never date a woman with children again. However, I fell in love with a beautiful woman who is wise, intelligent.... And yes a mother. She has two children who are 15 and 10, it just seems like they both need more help than Jesus!! They can't seem to do the basic things without the help of their mother. To make matters worse, their BF is still involved in their lives... Even though he owes literally thousands of dollars in back child support.

My DW, although I love her passionately, is a constant source of criticism of my every action. I am by no means perfect and and I've never claim to be, but whenyou have to hear her criticize you over every word you say, every thought you have, even the way you sleep in your bed at night, that's a problem. 

Unfortunately these kids feed into that attitude, especially my SS. He is just flat out bad!! He will use my computer, use my cellphone without permission, eat all the food and use everything I buy for him and our home, yet he will tell people in public I am not his father...and with indignation too.

Her daughter seems to think she is grown, as does the boy When I ask her to do the easiest things to help, she gives me a constant debate about it. I don't think they see me as a father figure. They just see me as a man their mother married, and they just have to tolerate. There have been times when I have wanted to slap the taste out of the boy's mouth, but I don't wanna end up in cuffs. And their mother..well..she unknowingly feeds this attitude through her constant criticism.

I love these people...but I feel more alone than ever. 

Comments

theoldredhen's picture

I've got two words for you, Hon: Marriage counseling!

futurobrillante99's picture

Dude, Love and attraction are not enough to save a marriage when there is bad parenting, bad behavior from stepchildren, and rampant disrespect.

My stbX is the love of my life and the chemistry is amazing, but he's irresponsible with money, cannot handle conflict without reverting to elementary school tantrums, cannot communicate, and doesn't parent his sons - he merely provides for them.

Love and chemistry are not enough.

Cover1W's picture

Number one: Why does he have access to YOUR computer and cell phone!? Remove them form access and password protect. No one uses but you.

What can you next stop engaging on?

Then counseling.

 

marblefawn's picture

It sounds as if you're everyone's whipping boy. You haven't mentioned defending yourself at all.

Have you tried a little push back on the criticism? When I get a little too critical for my husband, on a very rare occasion, he will raise his voice and push back. That checks me pretty fast that I'm acting like my mother (UGH!) and unfairly taking my bad mood out on him. If you haven't already, take your part in no uncertain terms.

If you can put your wife in check, you can put her kids in check. But you have to speak up and speak loudly. Do not hit anyone (as tempting as it might be!)

 

momof3smof2's picture

Several things here. 

1) I would not be married to someone who was constantly critical of me. I did that once, and I will never, ever do it again. So, this would no longer be an issue for me, as I would leave the marriage based solely upon that. I mean, she complains about how you sleep? F that.

2) If you are going to stay, you need boundaries. Kids, especially pre-teens and teens, are a PITA; that's their job description, I think. They aren't going to be compliant. They are going to push back. You need to accept that that is normal. But they're right, you are NOT their father. You ARE just the guy their mom married. So, act like that and stop parenting them. They use your computer and phone? Put a password on both; problem solved. 

But, none of that is going to solve your spouse problem. So, we're back to #1, or you being miserable. 

 

elkclan's picture

1. I was also married to one of the always-critical people - and it is ACID on the soul. Eventually you get so low, it gets really hard to get back up again. 

2. It's awfully tempting - and a lot of people here seem to do it - to blame spouse problems on stepkids. They hate the kids or get annoyed with the kids because it's easier and somehow more acceptable than realising you're married to a person who isn't a good partner. 

Dovina's picture

You are just their moms husband. Nothing more, and most likely less. Treat them as just the kids from the broken marriage, nothing more. Maintain the attitude, give what you get.