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OT My own BM won't help herself

Cooooookies's picture

My BM is a narcissist, no doubt about it.  As a child, she would "punish" me if I didn't do exactly what she wanted me to do.  This was everything - wear my hair, friends, school, I didn't want to go to college, jointed the army, didn't rely on her permission for my every move.  I had my own brain and I used it.  A narcissistic mother's worse nightmare:  a child who insists on thinking for themselves.  She also admitted to me once that my brother was her favourite child.

So to say we have a rocky relationship is an understatement.  I wouldn't really even consider it a relationship at this point.  It is merely the fact that I know this woman gave birth to me sort of connection.  It is sad but it is what she's made it.

She lives with my "brother" and his male partner.  I place that word in quotes because he is not someone I know anymore.  He is, quite literally, a monster.  His partner is an even bigger monster.  My brother goes along with all of it.  They have stolen enormous amounts of money from both sides of the family.  They lie, cheat, steal, abuse and live the grand old dirt bag's life.  Nearly $200,000 they've swindled yet I found out the other week they've filed bankruptcy.  For the second time.

They are both abusive, in every sense of the word.  My BM refuses to leave.  Refuses to help herself, acknowledge it for what it is.  She will not do anything.  Worse yet my frail and very sick great Aunt lives there too.  BM won't help herself or her Aunt.  My BS17 says brother and partner abuse them too.  How the hell do you abuse 2 old women?!  My BM will be 69 this year and Aunt is 82.

It's disgusting.  My BM will say she has no choice.  I give her choices.  But that would mean making an effort.  It would mean doing something.  It would mean acknowledging that her precious little angel son is a demon from hell.  And we all know that narcissists can't be wrong.

So there she stays, with her frail, dying Aunt, in the house of horrors.  They are so bad that not one family member, on either side, talks to brother or partner anymore.  Partner's parents have literally disowned him and written him out of their will and life.  No one has anything to do with anyone in that household.  My BM will report back to them if anyone tries to help her or talk to her.  She is their little informant.

I don't really know why I'm writing this except I just need to get it out of my head.  My whole childhood family has turned into strangers that I don't even know anymore.  My own BD passed away 4 years ago.  Everything and everyone I grew up with is gone or so badly tainted that it's ruined.  Doesn't exist.

Sometimes I just sit and think what the hell happened and how did it all go so wrong??



Ispofacto's picture

Your BM is toxic and there is nothing you can do.  Save yourself and go NC.

I went NC from my BM forever 10 years ago.  Three years ago she died, and I didn't feel a thing.  It was a huge relief having her out of my life.  I'm still waiting to miss her, I don't think it will happen.  

We are all part of the human race.  There's nothing special about being genetically related.  Our genome is more than 60% identical to a banana's.  No one has special permission to cause unnecessary stress in your life.

"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what."

Cooooookies's picture

Thank you Ispo.  I know I should go NC in my head but it's just so weird to me.  I'm already NC with the person I used to know as my brother.  You are right, blood doesn't mean family.

Fluff's picture

I totally agree with NC.  My adoptive BM was horribly toxic and looking back probably with some sort of personality disorder.  Nearly 20 years since I released myself from that nightmare and it's done the world of good for my own mental health.  Don't let them mess with your head any more than they have done already.

Siemprematahari's picture

I'm sorry that you had to go through life with such a toxic mother and a brother as well. I'm glad that you broke the cycle and are not following in their footsteps. Going NC is the best thing you could have done for both you and your child. I can't imagine your child being raised in that type of environment. What a blessing that you fought your way out of that dynamic and are making sure that pattern is not repeated.

MoominMama's picture

I have a Narcissistic mother too Coookies. I know just how it feels. I think this is why I react to BM so badly becuase she is quite clearly a narc too. They are so similar. What i find strange is that these people are often so lazy and almost seem dependent in thier unwillingness to do anything for themselves. BM used to do nothing at home when married to DH, hardly ever cooked or cleaned, no shopping, looking after kids etc. She worked part time and DH ofc was full time but he did all the cooking cleaning shopping and childcare. The only thing she was supposed to do was the washing. She never did it. She didnt drive and expected to be ferried about. She spent 90% of her wages on herself.

My mother is the same but in a different way. She stopped driving quite a while back. She has never dealt with money or any financial issues. Never had a job and now that she is 82 its all about her illnesses despite my father being much worse with a heart condition but she complains that he cant drive her wherever she wants to go.

Being the child that thinks for themselves and doesnt kow tow to their wishes will get you the 'scapegoat' badge straight away. Thats me. Right now things are terrible, my sisters (the golden girls) and all over them because they see will and an inheritance coming, they aretaking over and have completely pushed me out. It began over a power of attorney and still hasnt been settled to my knowledge. I don't have any contact with them now but my narc mother enjoys constantly talking about them as if we are best friends.  I have reduced the contact to twice monthly phone calls. that's it. They made the recent wedding of my youngest son a nightmare with their behaviour. My parents were very abusive physically and mentally as a child and I'm really struggling with it now at middle age. Which is a strange thing, why now more than before??

But yes Cookie, keep her at arms length. Everything they say and do is designed to get at you.

Cooooookies's picture

I'm so sorry moomin.  It just sucks and for some reason it's bothering me more now as well. I am 42 years old and have known what my BM is for decades now. 

I guess it's because I thought I'd always have my brother. He was born on my birthday and we were always so close.   He's so far from the person I knew it's liked he stopped existing. 

I have DH's family so I will move forward and will be happy. I am happy. Just need to key go of my idea of how I thought things are supposed to be...

MoominMama's picture

This afternoon I realised that being around DH's super normal family has made me realise just how messed up my own are. I've known for years they were not right but i think it's just being around people who don't do that stuff and actually give a damn about each other and also where I am not the scapegoat really made me see it.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Aw, Cooooookies... {{{HUGS}}}

Do you suppose there is the slightest chance that your BM believes she deserves this treatment because of her own toxicity?

As for your poor, frail Auntie... Is there ANY way to remove her from that horrible environment?? Elder abuse. Sad

Cooooookies's picture

-hugssss-  Thanks Aniki Smile

I wouldn't have a clue what my mother thinks. She never admits to fault so I doubt it. More like she is VERY VERY lazy and won't face reality. 

She told me that all my Aunt does is sleep now so she's probably not suffering as far as abuse goes. She sounds far too ill to move now. It's all just such a horrible and sad situation. 

I think I have to distance myself from them from now on.   My BM threw in my face about how I was in an abusive marriage. As if that is anything to do with the present.   So I think I'm just going to go no contact for my own sanity. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Gads, I was in an abusive marriage, too. And I've been involved with men who turned out to be arseholes, so I ran like he!!.

Poor Auntie. I wondering if she's sleeping to escape. Prayers for her. Give rose

notsobad's picture

My exMIL is a narcissist. She’s now in her 80s and has no one, no friends, no family, even the people at her church avoid her. She never had a golden child, it was always all about her. 

She wasn’t invited to her only daughters wedding, because her daughter didn’t want any drama. When her youngest son died (at 36) she was only told at the very last moment, after all the preparations had been taken care of, so that she couldn’t make it all about her. When exBIL called to discuss her terrible parenting (on the advice of his therapist, to help him deal with his childhood) she turned it around and said he had no idea how hard it was for her. No one cared about her, she was the one who sacrificed but no one cares what she went through. ExH hasn’t spoken to her in over 10 years, with one exception for a family tragedy. She doesn’t have his address or phone #.

On and on it goes. She’s alienated every person in her life and now she’s all alone. My Mom is the only person who speaks to her and it’s an hour of her complaining how no one cares about her.

Hello consequences. Sometimes people get exactly what they deserve.