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Dunno how to reconcile our differences

Ispofacto's picture

So, I'm an ahole and ruined father's day.

I knew it was a bad idea for me to go.  DH really wanted me to, and I was super anxious about it, and I tried.  I ended up getting fed up and grabbing my car keys and just leaving.  DH did follow me because I was leaving, otherwise he would have had to take an uber home.  His parents are old and frail and he really loves them.  I love them too and think they are nice people, but...

DH's sister (SIL), is an ahole in general and her husband is an abusive cop.  Thankfully he wasn't home.  But at their cores, SIL, BIL, MIL, and FIL are low key mainstream racists, and that's hard for me to handle.  It's not my place to correct anyone's racist remarks as a guest in their home, but it did piss me off, majorly.

Then SIL has a grudge against DH for alleged favoritism shown to him when they were children by MIL's parents, which DH was oblivious to.  So as a 45 year old woman, she acts like a jealous sibling and has to get her digs in where she can.

MIL has a grudge against DH, the same as SIL, but she only vents to me about what a POS DH is, ad nauseam, when we are alone together, and she privately feeds into SIL's grudge.  Petty AF.

Everyone hates Satan, and when DH and I first got together, I spent many hours over the course of several months listening patiently while MIL and SIL vented about her before I even had a clue myself that she was toxic.  Apparently that gave them both closure and now they never want to think about her anymore.  I'm pretty much over her myself, since she's gotten her comeuppance, but I did think it was news worthy when Mealticket finally dumped her, and I thought good news they would enjoy.  The first news in many years.  SIL accused me of being obsessed, and told me I should get over it.  Furthermore, she said if Satan is so evil, why aren't we protecting Killjoy from her.

As in, not letting Satan see Killjoy, which we have to do because of the CO.  And also, it seemed like she was hinting of our plan to kick Killjoy to the curb when she is of age, at which point, she can go live at college and spend her breaks with her beloved Satan.  SIL must've gotten that info from MIL, since DH and SIL never talk.  So it seems MIL doesn't approve of our descision probably.

Killjoy is not a defenseless toddler, FFS.  She made her bed.

In the past, MIL and SIL have both spent time venting to me about what an ahole Killjoy is.  MIL's nickname for Killjoy was Little B!tch, and SIL's was Little Brat.  Now MIL thinks Killjoy is funny and cute because she sends her cutesy texts, and MIL loves the attention.  The fact that Killjoy is a monster and MIL knows why I booted her don't matter now anymore.  I gave no indication that it bothered me, but it was annoying AF.  MIL is frail and probably doesn't have much time left.  I'm torn whether to be compassionate to my loved ones, or avoid them.  Just the implication that I should welcome Killjoy back into my life made me feel like I had an elephant standing on my chest.  That was when I got up and left.  We didn't even make it to dinner.

DH was sad.  Who knows how many father's days FIL has left.  DH is such a sweet, kind person.  I feel like I kicked a puppy.

DH knows how I feel about SIL, he feels the same, going to her house was really a bad idea.  I have a hard enough time tolerating the racism when we see MIL/FIL.  And maybe MIL and SIL should "get over" their petty grudge from thirty years ago.  Hypocrites.

ETA: Come to think of it, SIL is the one who brought up Satan when she asked why DH didn't have Killjoy for father's day.  (It is Satan's weekend so they traded mother's day for father's day).  Then SIL wondered why Satan sees Killjoy at all, and we explained Satan's plan to have Killjoy support her after graduation.  Then SIL asked what happened to Mealticket.  Then it all went downhill from there.

 

Comments

caninelover's picture

This really doesn't sound like a good dynamic at all.  

Frankly if DH can't establish some basic ground rules on these visits (i.e. topics that are off-limits, e.g. Killjoy) than he should go seperately if he can deal with it.  

It doesn't sound like these differences are really a gap that can be bridged.  Either both sides accept that there are trigger points that should be avoided if they want to continue to gather - or just don't gather.

Sorry it was such a bad experience.

Ispofacto's picture

The thing is, MIL/FIL do know the ground rules.  FIL in particular has had his ass handed to him by me and by my DD31 on a few occassions.  DD has a master's degree from northwestern and is very informed and articulate.  She's ripped him apart, and he didn't learn anything from it.  Which is part of the reason I don't make an effort to discuss these topics with them.

My GD10 is biracial, really beautiful and smart, friendly and positive.  A year ago she asked me if she is going to be killed when she grows up.  I'm not a crier, and I cry instantly every time I think about that.  They know very well my GD is biracial.

 

caninelover's picture

In my experience people with views like that are not great at respecting other people's boundaries.  So it doesn't surprise me one bit, and if its triggering for you (totally understandable, especially since your GD already has anxiety about her safety - her basic safety) then just talk to DH - he can visit his parents on Mothers Day/Fathers Day, etc on his own.

If they ask why he can tell them bluntly.

diver111's picture

Given how you have described them, I'm curious about this sentence: "I'm torn whether to be compassionate to my loved ones, or avoid them." Are they really your loved ones, or your DH loved ones? 

Surround yourself with people who care about you and want to spend time with you. I wouldn't go back. You aren't obligated to. 

Ispofacto's picture

DH and I have been together 12 years, and his parents have always been warm, welcoming, and affectionate.  I really do love them.  MIL only bishes about DH when he leaves me alone with her, and DH didn't golf with FIL like he wanted to early that morning because I told him not to leave me alone with MIL.  DH is a nice person, and he's been very supportive of my disengagement from Killjoy,  I wanted to give him one nice family day, and I messed up.

I would definitely say my awareness of racism is much higher than it used to be, and much higher now than most people I know.  It's hard for me to reconcile the casual racism and sexism I see and hear every day even from my own neighbors.

DH is lonely.  It's easier for him to compartmentalize it.  It makes me wonder how much he cares about justice.

Isolating myself has definitely not made me happier.  I have a lot of better friends, but they don't live next door.  Caring about important issues is definitely inconvenient.

 

SeeYouNever's picture

What a toxic family.

I have a saying "if they gossip to you, they gossip about you." Your in-laws seem to love juicey morsel of info about your lives, I'm sure they have lots to say after you both leave, just how MIL likes to complain about your DH when he's out of the room. 

My SILs are like this, I can tell they are mentally salivating for some good gossip when they start questioning me a little too much about our life, SD, and BM. I see how much they talk about BM and they have this weird obsession/love/hate with her. They are way more interested in her life than we are and will sometimes press SD for info then excitedly tell my husband about things he could care less about. 

Sometimes you just have to change the subject. 

Ispofacto's picture

Yeah, I'm sure they gossip about me but there's really not much they can say, except that I kicked DH out, which they encouraged me to do when Satan was making trouble for us. 

BIL cheated on SIL a year ago and she found out about it and almost divorced him.  He's an arsehole and I told DH they're both arseholes and they deserve each other.  They only stayed together because they don't know how to manage money and couldn't afford divorce.  But now they stayed together, I should sing Kumbaya and hold hands with Killjoy.

MIL never really gossips about SIL.  She is the golden child.

I just didn't have it in my heart to tell MIL to STFU about the texts.

 

Findthemiddle's picture

In the end - it seems easier if you let your husband go visit his family alone.  That way you don't have to be exposed to their racism and drama.  It just isn't working for you - and now you have the perfect opportunity to just fade back after the Father's Day fiasco.  

Ispofacto's picture

Yeah, I maybe should have refused to go.  DH prolly won't try to make me go again.

 

bananaseedo's picture

I agree, it's not fair for him to have to choose or make his day have more drama, but I fully understand why you can't be around them.  I've become very sensitive to these things too, so it's hard to be around anyone that is like this.  I would just let him go to his families events, and maybe have visits with JUST MIL/FIL and not SIL that adds fuel to the fire, only because she is getting old/end of life and they have been good to you, kwim?

 

Ispofacto's picture

Yeah, this is definitely the last time I'll see SIL.  DH understands this now.

MIL is much better without SIL's influence.  But if she starts talking about how cute Killjoy is again, I may have to remind her why I kicked Killjoy out.