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Why do adult skids need to "spend the night"?

DaizyDuke's picture

DH and I had a conversation yesterday, which by the way, I knew was coming because SD will be coming "home" from University the beginning of May, and I KNEW that DH would be wanting to "test the waters" about her staying with us.  During our convo, he says he feels like a crappy father because he has to tell SD20 she has to stay at a friends or MILs when she's home and he can't even have SS19 to the house to maybe go turkey hunting and spend a night or two.  Poor DH, he has to meet his ADULT kids at restaraunts or MILs or what have you and talk to them on the phone or text them.

I asked why adults need to "spend the night"?  My father lives in Arizona and I live in New York.  It has been this way for 40 of my 47 years of life.  I have NEVER spent the night at my dad's house and our relationship is just dandy.  I moved out of my mom's house 2 weeks after I graduated from high school.  I have never spent the night at her house since and our relationship is just dandy.  Am I missing something here?  I told DH I really don't care if SS19 comes to the house, whatever.  I don't have any huge issue with him other than I really don't want him around BS8 because he acts like a thug, smokes dope, is a high school drop out and just not a good "role model".  But a day here or there?? Whatever.  And I also said that because I know SS won't come.  He has no interest in hunting with DH. He only cares about playing video games and smoking dope all night with his loser friends and step dad and sleeping all day. Never had a job, no DL, no diploma, still living with BM.  Great job SS! 

I also had to remind DH that SD is not welcome because I am done being disrespected by her she has torched that bridge.  I'm done letting by gones be by gones and having the same stupid disrespect rerun over and over again.  The nasty text message that she sent me last September over NOTHING was the final straw.  DH said he didn't remember that?  WTF???? And then he started with the "well it's beacuse of BM and GBM excuse" and I cut him off.  Im NOT listening to that crap anymore.  I allowed her to live with us TWICE!  Each time ended in drama and disaster.  I allowed her to stay with us TWO more times after that while visiting for the summer or Christmas break.  BOTH of those times ended in disaster and drama. The funny thing is each and every time her stay ended in drama, DH was done with her too.  But then she goes to Aunt J's or to University and DH conveniently forgets what a socipathic shithead she is. 

I printed out the screenshot of her message BTW, and gave it to him last night.  All he said was "hmmm, she really did act like quite immature over nothing."  No shit Sherlock.  Ugh.


ndc's picture

I think it's perfectly normal for adult kids to spend the night.  I spend the night with my parents from time to time.  SO and I spent a weekend recently with his mother and step father.  Just about every young adult I know spends an occasional night with their parents if they don't live close.  However, I don't think it's normal to allow someone who disrespects you to spend the night.  I don't think the issue is adult skids, I think it is these particular stepkids.  I wouldn't let her stay either.

classyNJ's picture

I have no answer that you are looking for but I will be 50 next month and I sleep at my mothers every Wednesday night unless the men folk are out of town or I have a business thing I cannot miss.  We have dinner, catch up and watch whatever she chooses.  It is usually 8 or 9 o'clock before we are done so I just spend the night.

My SS19 stays with us when he is home from college.  But that is way different from your situation.  If he did the same as your SS19 he wouldn't be staying.

ESMOD's picture

I think there are actually two different issues here.

1.  Why would adults need to stay at their parents?  Any number of reasons might make sense.  Perhaps for convenience or because mom and dad have a large home it is ok and saves the trouble of spending money or putting other people out.

2.  Why would you allow people to stay in your home that can't respect the people that live in the home?  This is really the issue that makes the invitation to spend the night null and void.  You don't entertain people in your home that can't be civil adults to the other people living in that home.

futurobrillante99's picture

My adult kids stay over when we have a late outing. They stay over on holidays. My daughter lives out of town, so of course she spends the night. My youngest son lives with his dad, but will spend the night with me if we have a late outing or an early one the next morning (he doesn't drive).

I enjoy having my kids wake up in my house and making them breakfast. Biggrin

But, I don't want to LIVE with anyone's kids. They need to be adults and lives elsewhere. Only visits!

beebeel's picture

I used to spend the occasional night at my dad's when I was younger and lived 3 hours away. But I was always respectul toward my dad and his GF at the time. I think if these kids weren't such huge a-holes, you'd be fine with it.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I think it's normal for adults to spend nights at their parents home. I have spent nights at both of my parents homes, and DH and I spent nights at my MIL's home when she was still living.  I also think it is normal for kids going to college to return to a family home during breaks from school, at least until they get old enough that they would prefer to stay elsewhere. 

But what is not normal is expecting someone else to take disrespect in the home from one of the adult kids. If your SD is disrespectful to you, then sorry DH.  Your home is your sanctuary. There was a time when my own BD was not allowed in the home until she treated her elders with respect. Your DH is conveniently choosing to forget his DD's previous poor behavior to make himself feel better.

Sweet T's picture

I stay at my parents as does my sister when we go to visit, as they do with us. I think that is normal but we have loving, caring relationships.

I can't imagine what it has to feel like for your husband to know his kids are not the kind of people he wants them to be.  He has to feel like he failed them. That has to be hard, but out of respect for his wife why would you allow people to stay in her home that are disrepctful to her. 

I agree with beebee  if they were respectful to you her staying there would be  a different deal. Plus, your son does not need to be exposed to someone not treating his mom respectfully.

WalkOnBy's picture

My adult kids came home from college and stayed at my house.  Other times, they stayed at their dad's house.  

I live in a unique situation in that I won't let DH's son, ASS, set foot in my house because of the way he treated me when he lived in my house.  In fact, ASS is on Spring Break right now and I don't know where he is staying.  I don't care.

bananaseedo's picture

Yeah, general agreement is nothing wrong w/spending the night at a parents house-many adults do it all the time -especially when travelling to visit, etc.  I don't think what your dh is wanting is over eager or wrong or out of line.  BUT, understood that w/the past disrespect issues you may have a problem with it.

Personally if it really is only a day or two I would go ahead and compromise and try and have fun w/it.  Honestly- people can attest here that my SD was seriously one of the most jacked up kids on these boards- now that she is 17 and not living w/us-when we DO see her it goes pretty well.  I wouldn't mind her spending a night or two.  What's in the past is in the past for me- hoping to turn a new leaf.  NOW-if she disrespects you again after being away all this time- then it's a hard shut down. 

I do think we owe it to our husbands if anything to sometimes compromise- look away from things that happened years ago and try to re-build a new relationship once they are a bit older.  At least that's been my approach. 

Wait, so I scan read.  She sent you something hateful just 6 months ago?  What was it?  

DaizyDuke's picture

Yes, she snooped in MIL's phone and saw a text message from me that said "Of course she's off with BM while everyone else is scrambling around dealing with her mess" (one day before she was supposed to leave to go back to University, her plan of renting a UHaul fell through and she left FIL and her boyfriend's dad dangling in the wind to try and fix her mess.)

She sent me a text message saying (in a nut shell) that I was the rudest, most insolent person, I was like a mean girl in high school, I should spend more time worrying about my self, she didn't come home to please me, I should act my age and to keep her name out of my blubbering mouth.

THAT was the last straw.  She has stolen from me, disrespected me too many times to count and each and every time I have tried to let it go for DH.  This time I am done. 

bearcub25's picture

Set a limit on the number of nites/days she can come and then suddenly remember that trip or spa you had booked and 'I'm so sorry I won't be here but y'all have fun'.

DaizyDuke's picture

I swear this gives me MORE anxiety.. because I'd be worried about her being in my shit and stealing my stuff. 

pixielady's picture

No, don't leave your home! It is YOUR castle. She's like that and she's go through your things.

Dovina's picture

for your SD's actions. She has proved time and again that she cannot conduct herself properly in your home. DH's conveniently forget because chances are they arent the target and think the SM's should just get over it. Nope, stick to your guns and the drama stays away from you. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Every situation is different, but yours is about not wanting to house abusive a$$holes. Pretty simple when dealing with other adults.

Has your DH said anything to SD about the text? Tried to broker peace? 

Has your SD shown any change in behavior or reached out to you? (I know, Hahahahahah).

Sounds like you're just playing it as it lays.

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree with most of the others, I know it isn't what you want to hear. I still stay the night over at my mom's from time to time. We do girls nights when my dad is out of town. When my kids still believed in Santa we all did Christmas eve night there. If it is going to be a bad snow storm or hurricane, we all (the sibilings, grandkids and our spouses) go to my parents. Food, drinks, games, big fireplace (they have a generator).... it is pretty awesome.

 I think that maybe with her growing up and being at college, you might want to try and give her another chance. She is an adult, now, try talking to her. Not defensivly but in saying that she hurt you in the past but you want to move past that and be friends. Give her a chance to be a better person.

DaizyDuke's picture

I seriously can not count how many times I have let her nasty comments, her stealing from me, her disrespecting me and my home go.  The nasty text message from her just 6 months ago AFTER all these times I have tried to be the better person for DH... was the straw that broke my back.  At the moment I'm really NOT willing to let it go.  I don't want an apology because.. been there done that.. and it obviously means nothing.  I just think it best for everyone that we are not in the same house together.  DH can see her at MILs or go for lunch or dinner or whatever.  Not saying he can't speak to her or spend time with her, just saying not in my home.  I've sucked it up countless times for him.  I feel like it's time for him to have MY back.

Simpleton21's picture

I agree with ESMOD's comment.  It would be different if you had a loving, mutually respectful relationship with these skids, but that is not the case.  I think you have every right to not want them to stay the night. They can make other arrangments.

I do stay the night at my mom's when I visit her.  She lives 3 hours away and wants me and my family to step dad tolerates it Wink LOL!  He is a bit like Red Forman on that 70s show but we actually have a good relationship and I am respectful of their relationship.  

I don't ever stay the night at my dad's house b/c I only live 5 minutes away from him.  My older brother stays there though when he comes in from out of town.  He has a very different lifestyle than my SM and I think he probably drives her crazy and vice versa but they are both respectful of one another and it still works.  

Aniki's picture

DH said he didn't remember that...

I don't know about you, Daizy, but I keep that kind of stuff. Oh jeez, DH, you forgot?? Well, here you go. Refresh your memory.

For me, this would be all about SD's lack of respect. If your DH is pining to spend 24/7 with SD, airbnb has good bargains...

StepMamaBear6's picture

Like the others, I think it is totally normal for adult kids to spend the night. I would not allow disrespectful, adult kids to spend the night. 

bearcub25's picture

I have no problem with an adult skid occasionally spending the night.  In my unique situation, SS18 is like an 8yo.  While I don't mind him once in awhile, he wants to come every weekend, spend the nite, sleep until 2 or 3pm and then leave.  There is absolutely no point in this.   DSO and SS in different rooms, no interaction unless SS needs a cigarette.  

SS18 is the favorite skid so I'm weaning DSO off of he has to get him when the little punk bellows.

Long story but when DSO wouldn't get SS, on his whims, SS would get violent and mouthy to BM, so says BM, and then cops would be involved.  So its like a trigger for DSO when SS texts continuously. 

queensway's picture

I absolutely refuse to let skids spend the night in my home that are disrespectful. I understand how you feel. And you have every right to feel this way.

Your husband forgot about what she did and her messages, that's because she did it to you not him.  He can forget about it and you feel like she just sent it yesterday. That feeling just never goes away. Because they are never held accountable for their actions with these disney dads.

momjeans's picture

DaizyDuke, I recall all that drama. I would be vehemently against her staying at my house, too, if I were in your shoes. It would be anxiety inducing for me as well. Stick to your guns and maintaining your boundaries. 

Seasons's picture

SD24 expects to have sleepovers with her live in fiance that is 26Fiance in our home.  They used to live here it has caused lots of problems in my relationship with DH and my in laws too. The biggest reason is disrespect. I can't take or live with people that are going to come and go in my home to steal my joy.  Now they still come back like any chance they get. One time they came walking in on a Saturday afternoon like 1:00 ready to camp out on my couch for the weekend. I was sock amd made them leave I appologized and said that I was sick amd we weren't up for company.  This started the great divide for me and my DH.  SS26 went off on how they (skids) don't come here to see me they come to see DH. I say go to dinner then and stay out of my home. My DH compares this to my BS30 and DIL28 traveling 6 hours to spend the weekend with us. It is exhausting!

Seasons's picture

Have you all had to deal with adultskids going to your inlaws to talk about you? It has happened to me they are giving one sided stories of what is happening in my home..  DH isn't invited they are having barbecues and dinners without us. DH's brother and wife have decided they will give the adult skids a safe place to discuss our family...   I have tried inviting them over and to go out with us but they are busy.  I feel so bad for my DH because we don't get to see my SGS7months old.  But they take our grand son to see everyone else. There is so a lot of division.  

Too old for this's picture

My SD visits in laws and tells them how wicked I am. They are nice people who hate confrontation.  I have not addressed this directly so far, just relying on the fact that they know me and can judge for themselves.  But it is ridiculous for the kids.  DH sees them rarely. I never do.  

It is just one more in a series of sick games.

tinkertiff3721's picture

I would be perfectly fine having adult kids spend the night, if they were decent people! I'm not ok with negitive, narcisstic, SK coming and going when ever they please in the home I work hard to support! I'm so against this I have an apartment ready incase my DH looses his balls again and lets SD treat our home as a hotel! Think he knows I'm dead serious! She is trying to already and Summer just began! The locks have been changed, apartment paid for and I'm just in limbo. I'm sure you feel bad saying no. However, it's your home too and you don't have to accomadate people who are toxic to you and your marraige! hugs!