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Is it normal to not feel bonded?

confused_party_of_1's picture

I don't feel bonded to my SD10 and have been in her life for 3 years. She still grosses me out. She runs to her BM and reports everything we do. She is argumentative and disrespectful. My DH claims she thinks the world of me. .. but I don't see it. I definitely don't feel it from my side. I don't look forward to our shared parenting time and actually get more excited for her to leave. If I had things my way, I'd give up custody to her BM.... and let BM continue to screw up her own daughter's life.

I'm concerned about not being bonded because it's getting harder to fake. But i can't help how i feel. Nothing this girl does brings joy to my heart....i feel bad for saying that. My DH finds the stupidest things she does endearing and cute. I find them  annoying.

Read a book recommended by a fellow Venter on this site. 123 Magic. Going to try that technique to keep her in line. At least it will help me stay calm and not run through so much Xanax.


Totalybogus's picture

i have been in my stepchildren's lives for 14 years and I still haven't bonded with them. That doesn't mean I don't care about them. I wouldn't let anything happen to them and I like them, but there is no way I'll ever love them, especially not the way I do my own children.

Stop being so hard on yourself. As long as you are civil and treat her kindly, no one should expect more from you

Stepintime0111's picture

Somehow, my stepkids' future stepdad says he loves them like his own and just adores them after one year. I have been around for over 5 years and don't feel that. I care about them, I don't want them to be hurt, want them to succeed, etc, but it's nothing close to how I feel about my own kids. Maybe it's because he doesn't have kids of his own or is a man. I don't know. I used to feel guilty. Now I dont. I am kind and caring and supportive of them. They have their own mother to be super bonded to

Tuff Noogies's picture

yup, perfectly normal. just because they belong to someone you love, does not mean that love is going to just automatically apply to his offspring. remember too, any relationship takes time, and steps are have particularly difficult, unnatural dynamic. treat them well, like you would with anyone else's kid, and if any relationship develops, take it one day at a time.

hatemyhusband's picture

I use 123 magic with my kids. It has really worked for me. The basic premise is there must be consistent consequences by the time you have counted to 3. Your H would have to completely back you up in implementing consequences. Otherwise you're just a fool counting to 3 to your SD, and a bitch picking on his daughter to your H.

No saint's picture

I've never felt bonded with SS7 while SO was around, as they would be all over each other, but have no problem with it when we (SS and I) are alone. Maybe that's weird, but that's partly why I think that had SO handled our blended family different, I wouldn't be leaving now.