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Another Schedule Change Question

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I read another poster's thread about her DH wanting to change his schedule and put more responsibility on her. My DH and I are going through something similar and I would like some advice. My DH has had an employment problem over the past year. He keeps jumping from jobs and it has played havoc with our finances. I work at home and work early in the morning (4 a.m.- 1 p.m.). I usually nap in the afternoons b/c by the time we get the kids to bed, I am exhausted. SD10 comes home from school at 3. The way it works now is that DH is home at 4. He is making okay money and our finances have been improving.

He was recently offered a great job that will pay double what he is making now. We could use the money. The problem is that the schedule is later in the day and there is a commute. He would work until 7 p.m. and get home around 7:30-7:45. He really wants to take the job. He doesn't think it is fair to put SD10 in any kind of child care.

I told him that I don't mind her staying here in the evenings on the weeks I have my kids. I have 50/50 custody (one week on/one week off). It doesn't matter to me if we have one other kid in the house. But, I don't want to watch her on the weeks I don't have my kids. I teach a class every other Tuesday at the library. I also meet my best friend for drinks and dinner every other Wednesday. We have been having these Wednesday outings for a long time. It is our time away from the kids, housework, etc. I look forward to both of these things. Plus, I like to have some quiet Me time.

My DH was upset and told me that it would hurt SD10's feelings too much if I only take her on the nights I have my kids. His solution is that I take her with me to my class and my girls nights. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with her tagging along as these are outings for adults. He doesn't seem to understand that SD10 only pouts when she is with me and asks when her dad will be back over and over again. She is still struggling with the fact that BM is out of the picture. She has crossed from crying to resentful. She is fine when my kids are around, but on the weeks when she is the only kids, she is mopey and hides in her room.

There is a local place that has childcare/camp until 7. I told DH that I would be willing to pick her up at 7 and give her dinner every other week, but that I didn't want to have to watch her from 3 o'clock on. He has the option of having a schedule when he would be off on Wednesday/Sunday. I figured this was a good compromise as I would be able to still go to my class and girls night. And, he would be able to take this job that he really wants.

But, no, I am the bad guy. He didn't really say much, but he let me know that he is upset with me. I am sorry, but I told him that he needs to either turn down the job or find child care. I already have a stunted social life due to working at home and I don't want to give up the little bit of adult interaction that I get.

Does this sound like a fair compromise?

Comments

newcstep's picture

I'm not sure what the backstory is to BM not being in the picture, but I see something about a court case? I think your DH needs to realize that by setting sole custody of SD, he was agreeing to become a single dad. Yeah, he has you which is a great help, but you shouldn't be expected to babysit regularly especially when you have other long standing plans. I think your DH shouldn't ask more of you that he would form grandparents, aunts, or uncles. Sure it's great when grandma can watch the kids instead of pay for childcare, but he wouldn't expect grandma to cancel her plans to do it. Your compromise is a great solution IMO.

SM12's picture

You are being more than reasonable. I also work from home. It is difficult to get adult interaction when you don't leave to go to work. You need that time away from the kids to unwind. Your DH is being unreasonable to expect you to keep his child every evening. He seems to be the one who isn't compromising.
When I first moved in with DH, BM and DH thought the fact that I worked from home meant that they would have a live in nanny. I set DH straight about that right away.
I used to ask my DH "what did you do before I came along?? Then I suggest you keep doing THAT"

twoviewpoints's picture

I would at the least demand camp for Tuesday and Wednesday.

SD really might enjoy the camp. Make a new friend, perhaps. If she is only sitting in her bedroom all by herself from 3:00pm on even if you are home, she may as well be with other kids doing whatever activities the place does. At most SD maybe could stay home (moping in her room) one evening, two tops with camp on the rest?

Jlbfinch's picture

I wouldn't want him to take the job bc he probably won't keep it long anyway, getting home 3.5-4 hours later than you're used to is a big adjustment and he's already too comfortable with job hopping as it is. From his point of view though I also wouldn't put a 10 year old in daycare, seems silly to me unless they're just horribly immature and can't be trusted. Many of my friends growing up were latchkey kids around that age and it was never a big deal. If she stays in her room all the time it doesn't seem like you would have to do much for her.

robin333's picture

Yes, very fair. Do not give up your adult time. I understand how important that is when you work from home. Honestly, I bet SD would much rather go to camp than be at the house with just you.

Ninji's picture

I work 9hr days so that I can get every other Friday off. I agreed to help my DH by picking my stepkids up from school on my days off instead of him driving to BM's house and getting them for his weekends. Two summers ago, DH spent the entire summer telling me how much I hated his kids and calling me a nazi because of a very minor incident. A few weeks before school started, I told him I wasn't going to be giving up my Fridays off to pick up his kids anymore -- I had to leave my house at 1pm to get to their school in time, pretty much losing half of every day off. I mean, why would he want someone that hates his kids to handle the school stuff, drive his kids around and watch them for hours alone. He flew off the handle. I had to do it. We fought for days about it.

What started as a favor, turned into a mandorty obligation in his eyes. Personally, I think you are compromising nicely, considering you are not getting anything out of the "compromise".

ESMOD's picture

I have that same schedule! LOVE the extra 26 days off a year:)

I have on occasion done pick ups for DH. I treated them like an errand/favor but would NOT have wanted him to expect it on a regular basis.

I did not have kids of my own, so I'm not sure I would have objected like OP that having "one more" kid around is no big deal but her having to arrange things JUST for his kid is not reasonable on his part.

Will the extra money be enough to pay for the camp and still come ahead?

Acratopotes's picture

You are way to nice, after all the shit you had to eat.... with SD13,BM, and that whole family....

Hon you are way to nice, I would not compromise at all, I would simply tell DH, fine take the job and then ship SD10 off to BM... then you have no responsibilities towards any off your daughters, but this woman .. done done done...

Then again, you are not me... nope DH can take the other job if he arrange daycare for SD, he needs to make sure BM and SD13 can't make contact with her, he needs to inform the care center about everything, who can pick up etc. Maybe this will be a good thing for SD..