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SD is exactly like BM

completely overwhelmed's picture

SD (15) and DH do not get along at all. SD has picked up all of BM’s worst traits and all of the things that made DH and BM completely incompatible.

DH has been going to family counseling sessions with SD and it hasn’t been working. SD is exactly like her mom, has all of the traits that resulted in her mom becoming a drug addict and incarcerated. DH sees SD’s life headed in the same direction unless SD changes. SD is unwilling and unable to change.

DH accepting SD for what she is not going to happen.

DH and BM were never married and never even lived together. He says that once he really got to know BM, he knew the relationship would never work out, but SD happened so he felt trapped (BM’s likely intent). All they ever did was argue and fight - and now it's DH arguing with SD instead of BM.

BM is out of the picture now and we have SD full-time- technically. SD is still in a psychiatric treatment center. She’s been transferred to a different facility since she doesn’t quite need the level of care she had at the previous one. She probably could be released, but she refuses to come home and doesn’t want to talk to her father.

DH is so fed up with the way SD acts. There’s no possible way he can just accept that’s the way she is and learn to live with it. Medication aren’t working and they are limited on what can be prescribed because SD has a heart condition. It’s not serious now, but certain medications can make it worse. Pretty much it limits out a lot of the major medications.

I’m not sure if it’s fortunate or not, but so far no diagnosis for bipolar or anything more serious – just depression, anxiety and the alphabet soup of other things (ADHD, ODD, SPD). They tried a medication for bipolar depression, but that had very adverse side effects and didn’t help. DH wants so med to be the major cure, but it hasn’t happened yet and who knows if SD will tolerate the side effects long enough to see if any combination of these meds will help. If it was some major condition, then maybe it would explain why she is the way she is and people would know how to treat it. It feels like everything is an expensive guess. Every psychiatrist has a new treatment plan and none are working. Nor will SD give the meds time to work.

The other big challenge with SD is that she complains about anything. She has zero tolerance for any discomfort. If there is a minor side effect, she blows it out of proportion. If she’s slightly dizzy from a medication, then it’s the biggest problem in the entire world and she can’t function.

Its ridiculously expensive for SD to stay at this facility but DH doesn’t know what else to do. But he doesn’t see any progress. Its stalling until she comes home and then what?

Honestly the underlining problem is that DH and SD can’t and probably never will get along. She’s too much like BM and DH and BM could never get along, no matter how much they tried for the sake of SD.

DH can’t look at SD and not see how she is exactly like BM and not see her headed in exactly the same direction.


completely overwhelmed's picture

Honestly DH doesn't dislike BM. He wishes she wasn't the way she was that lead her to ruin her life with drugs. And SD has exactly the same personality traits and problems.

completely overwhelmed's picture

The counselor is probably telling him the same thing. But his intension are to prevent SD from ending up the same as her mom. He says it's like watching a car crash in slow motion - he sees exactly what's going to happen with SD if she doesn't change and nothing he can do is changing it. She's going to end up like her mom.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I agree with you. My stepkids sometimes remind me of their mother in their actions and looks behaviorisms and sometimes I see their father in them.

Same with my own kids. I just took a photo of my daughter at her band concert and she looks the spitting image of her father. But her choice in instrument and being in band is me, me, me.

I've grown up my whole life knowing my father and his entire side of his family have major problems with alcoholism and addiction. My mom has warned all of her children about that. Therefore my one sister does not drink AT ALL!!!!!! My brother is a bartender. It obviously doesn't bother him. My other sister and I are not big drinkers because that alcoholism gene worries us. Kids absolutely inherit traits from their parents. It's not all nurture. SOme of it's nature.

My grandfather, aunt, and cousin are all bipolar. Do I worry and look for signs in my own kids when they approach the teen years? YES!

I say compare away.

Peridwen's picture

Is it the comparing to a parent part that bothers you, or the parent they don't like part? Because honestly I've been compared to my mother and father quite a bit in my life, and it's never bothered me. My oldest brother is so similar to my dad it's scary. And my middle brother is just like a male version of my mom. I feel like I'm a pretty even mix between their personalities, which is also what I've been told.

On the flip side my SD11 is a drama queen, incredibly creative and artistic, and a complete victim. Nothing is ever her fault. Even when she doesn't do her chores the reason is not that she chose not to do them - it's that DH purposely gave her a chore he KNEW she didn't like, so she wasn't going to do it, so it's DH's fault the chores didn't get done. Her personality is developing into the exact type of person that I didn't like in school and still don't like. DH says BM is just like this, and from my experiences with her it's true. It's not a bad thing that SD11 is just like her mom - it just makes it more difficult for me since I don't like that personality type. But she is an amazing artist already and if she keeps it up I believe she is good enough to make a career out of it, if she chooses. DH is creative but not artistic - she definitely gets her art skills from her mom.

Peridwen's picture

Why? The ex is one of her parents. Children are compared to their parents in intact families all the time. "Oh you're just like your dad." "Your mom used to do that same thing."

Why is it mean to compare a child from the parent he/she came from?

Stepped in what momma's picture

I agree with Peridwen, I did everything I could to NOT be comparable to my parents, this is why I am successful instead of hooked on drugs with 14 kids.

notasm3's picture

Nature vs nurture - a never ending conflict. And no one knows the answer until the child had matured.

And sometimes It's a meld between the two.