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DH tried to get SD to pick up after herself but I end up with more work.

completely overwhelmed's picture

Here’s the last stupid drama with SD (who’s 17).

DH has been on SD about picking up after herself in the bathroom and not leaving wet towels and clothes on the floor. IMO, at least she’s showering. DH told her a few weeks ago, if she doesn’t pick up the clothes, he was going to throw them out. She didn’t pick up so he put everything he found on the floor in the bathroom in a large trash bag, put it in the garage and told her that he threw it out. SD didn’t care.

Fast forward to this Friday. SD’s special education teacher sent him an email about his daughter wearing dirty clothing and also wearing pajamas to school in violation of the dress code.  Her teacher had asked SD about it and SD had told her that her dad threw away all her clothes, so her teacher was like “umm, what's going on?”

DH went out to the garage to wash the clothes in the trash bag since SD didn’t have anything else to wear. But all the clothes were entirely moldy and gross since he hadn’t just put the clothes in the bag, but also wet towels. So everything had to be thrown out.

Which means another shopping trip. Oh joy. SD has sensory processing disorder so she’s overly sensitive to anything itchy and cannot tolerate tight fitting clothing. A few years ago it was a huge ordeal finding clothing for her school uniform after she had been expelled from regular high school and had to go to the alternative school. We finally had found some khaki pants she actually can wear and she had 5 pairs of those pants so she had been good on school clothes.

Some of those pants had already been ruined because SD is bad about wearing tampons or pads during her period, so she was down to 3 pairs of those pants. And guess what was in the trash bag DH put in the garage?

So we’ve spent this weekend trying to find new clothing SD can tolerate wearing. The stupid trend in juniors pants are all tight fitting legging style pants which SD refuses to wear. She’s very small (she’s under 5’0) so we’re trying to find petite women’s clothes but still can’t find those very soft seamless khaki pants that she had. And after about an hour at Kohls in the dressing room trying to find something that she’ll tolerate wearing, she had a meltdown and screamed and yelled rolling around on the floor for about 15 minutes.

I’ve resorted to searching ebay to see if anyone is selling used pants like were ruined – but no luck so far finding them in SD’s size.

During SD’s meltdown in the dressing room at Kohls she was screaming at the top of her lungs “I hate you! I hate you!” over and over. There’s part of me that just want to give up and say “f*** it”. None of this is appreciated and that's what's pissing off DH. SD doesn't care if he buys her clothes or not. He's spent hundreds of dollars on special sensory friendly clothing and she refused to wear it.

DH has no ability to deal with this – he wants to just tell her to wear what he buys and thinks her sensory issues are ridiculously stupid and SD just needs to get over it and wear normal clothing. But he goes to work before SD leaves for school, so I’m the one who has to deal with the meltdowns when she has to get dressed for school and her teachers have to deal with her meltdowns at school over sensory issues.

Oh, and the bathroom floor currently is littered with clothing and towels. Is SD going to pick it up?  Nope. And if DH throws out everything again - it's more work for me trying to find clothes SD will wear.

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

I have no advice. But good lord woman, you are a saint. Honestly, I couldn't deal with all that. ESPECIALLY since your dh 1. caused the issue and 2. won't properly deal with it. 

completely overwhelmed's picture

He’s trying but his daughter makes it so difficult. The way he expresses love is through acts of service and he does so much for SD and she doesn’t care nor return any favors. But he does appreciate what I do for SD.

fourbrats's picture

parenting classes in parenting special needs kids. Sensory issues are not something she can just get over and they are not ridiculous. They are actually painful to the person experiencing them. He needs tools to effectively parent. 

He also caused the moldy clothes issue by not taking care of it properly. 

Harry's picture

Putting her stuff in a garbage bag isn’t the way to deal with her.  That for normal kids who are just lazy.  Your DH has to find other ways to deal with her.  Like taking away something she likes, cell phone, gaming systems, untill she picks up the bathroom.  Not for days or weeks. And each day is new 

completely overwhelmed's picture

SD doesn’t have any currency. She doesn’t have a cellphone. She can’t play video games because she has such poor fine motor skills. Internet time isn’t something she wants to earn. She’s not on social media. She doesn’t have any friends. She likes watching animal videos on YouTube but not enough to do something to earn the privilege

DH is sick of having to do everything for SD.

keepitsimplestupid's picture

Be sick of doing everything for her but as a parent, it’s his job. I have 2 special needs boys and I know how tiring it can be but I wouldn’t call myself a parent if I didn’t actually parent (verb) them.

 

instead of throwing her clothes in a plastic bag to get moldy, he could have her take showers when he’s home so that he can follow up when she’s done and make sure she cleans the bathroom immediately. Consistency is really the only thing that will work. Once she’s done this for a few months it will become part of her routine and he can ease up.

as far as finding her new clothes to wear, I don’t have any suggestions, but maybe your dh will think twice before doing something like this again. I doubt your as is doing this on purpose. Special needs kids think differently.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Which his daughter has little control. He needs to get some help with strategies and support for dealing with his special needs child. It is late day to be seeking that  type of help but not too late.

 

Iamwoman's picture

It sounds like you two are worn down. Have either of you considered looking into a group home for SD? 

A 17 year old who has a meltdown in a department store doesn’t sound like a person who will suddenly be a functioning adult in a year.

I understand what others are saying here about special needs children, and it does seem like things are being handled inappropriately by your husband. I also get that he probably didn’t expect to have a “lifetime child “ when he conceived her. I think the prospect of never seeing my children launch would be enough to drive me into temporary moments of insanity...

She may actually benefit from living in some sort of group home, because they have the skills and tools to deal with her, and possibly help her transition into independence.

completely overwhelmed's picture

She won’t do anything so I’m not sure any place would take her. She’s fine doing nothing but sleeping all day. We wasted so much money on the therapeutic boarding school where she just did nothing but slept and they ended up sending her to a psychiatric hospital when she refused to eat or drink. No one can force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do and getting her to want to do anything is nearly impossible. 

Iamwoman's picture

It sounds like she may need to be a permenant resident in that psychiatric hospital.

Taking care of an angry "human pet" is not fair to you and DH.

Aunt Agatha's picture

When capable kids just won’t (insert normal thing here).

But I do feel for her with the clothing sensitivity.  I cannot wear polyester or anything with a polyester blend.   It literally irritates my skin, leaving it red, bumpy and itching.  Tags on clothing are the worst!

Have you tried going to all natural fibers?  Better-quality cottons work great for me and aren’t too expensive.  Pact Organics make some great stuff.  I can do 5% spandex/95% cotton blends ok, so also buy Effie’s Heart cotton -spandex knit clothing from there.  Small sizes especially are often in the sale section.

My biggest problem is all cotton bras (the clasps on most bras are polyester fabric) - but I’ve found seamstresses on Etsy who work with me.  You might find someone there as an option if she needs no seams.  Since it sounds like she likes unstructured clothing, you might be able to find some there too.

But beyond all that, I feel for you!  It’s hard dealing with kids with no obvious currency.

 

completely overwhelmed's picture

Thanks for the suggestions. I’ve ordered some natural fabric clothing - socks and tshirts but they were expensive and her biggest issue is anything that’s tight. She doesn’t want tight clothing - but most sensory clothing is made for autistic kids who are sensory-seekers and want tight fitting compressive clothing. None of that works for her.

Harry's picture

This child will never be able to live on her own ?  So what is the future plans for her.  She should be able to stay in school until 21. And then what.  DH looks like he’s already given up.  Group home ?  You should not be her care giver.  DH and BM has to come to some plan for her, for her future!

completely overwhelmed's picture

DH hasn’t given up. That is what he’s considering. He wants her to do things for herself so she can take care of herself. He doesn’t want her to keep using excuses. There’s always some reason she won’t do things - she’s itchy, she’s dizzy, she’s tired. It’s constant and at some point she has to just do something no matter how bad she feels. But he can’t get that message through to her.

tog redux's picture

Am I missing something? Why can't clothes with mold and period blood be washed? Lots of things to help get rid of stains, etc, nowadays.

No way I'd have thrown all of that stuff out.  I'd also never be doing all of this stuff for DH.

completely overwhelmed's picture

The wet clothing had sat in the bag for 2 weeks and had holes. I didn’t see it and DH didn’t try to salvage any of it. In hindsight that was a mistake.

The period stains wouldn’t come out. They were very light tan pants and bleaching and re-dying would have been the only option. This wasn’t a one-time thing. It was very month these pants getting stained. And at that point, she had 3 other pairs and doesn’t need to wear a uniform to school so I tossed them so she didn’t keep wearing them stained.

this_is_me's picture

I have no advice about your SD sorry but I did want to tell you that hydrogen peroxide will take blood stains out of anything. I've been a professional housekeeper for years and you wouldnt belive the kinds of things we run into. But I do know that if you just pour the peroxide on blood stain and then use a cloth to scrub it then it will come out but you may have to repeat a couple times depending on how old and set in it is. Hope it helps in the future. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

This is useful to me, thank you. I’m neurotic about hygiene but I’m starting “the change” and my period will start without warning and way ahead of schedule and stain my clothes.

 

Cover1W's picture

DH and I have done this with SD14 - her room would be absolutely awful.  I sent pics to my sister once b/c she said, "All teenagers get messy."  Well, after I sent the pics she wrote, "OH.  That's bad."  YEP.  She also had similar clothing issues, and food issues, etc.  While I think part of it with her was/is a touch of austism (ADD / ADHD and similar runs in DH's family on both sides) it also was her not being introcuded to things as a young child.  I could go on.

But, regarding the mess and things.  I either left it to fester, or I threw stuff away.  I did, with DH's help, twice, trash bag her room.  She didn't care.  At all.  She just figured out the stuff was in the garage (DH didn't throw it out) and used those bags as her storage until.  Until I moved them/threw stuff away.  Just like you - things were rotting.

I didn't replace one little thing.  That was on DH.  I don't allow rotting, moldy, smelly items (could smell from hallway leading up to the trash episodes) in my house.  If she didn't like her towels because she now wanted a different kind - well, if you take care of what you have they will last longer and MAYBE we'll consider getting you new things (which would then be trashed).  I would stay out of it - disengage.  DH knows I won't cover his over-spending due to SDs.  He must learn to appropriately budget and take care of his finances and that means teaching the SDs as well.

(don't ask me how 'teaching them' is going b/c I don't get involved in that).

Ultimate advice:  It's on him.  Not you.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I’ve been reading your posts, OP. Did the druggie wh*re BM use while pregnant by any chance?

I am so sorry you have to deal with this BS