A little lost as what to do...
I think my 13 year old stepdaughter is becoming the less than "golden" child.
Her mom is in full force stressed mode because she is getting married in a month(to her boyfriend of less than a year ).
SD13 is the maid of honor and is on the brink of refusing to go to the wedding at this point.
She told her future stepdad, "you are not a parent to me or my sisters..." after an incident on Thursday where she had been babysitting her little sisters all day and granted her 11 year old sister permission to stay at her friends house for pizza. Mom's boyfriend had just gotten home and was upset that SD13 didn't ask him if it was okay. An argument ensued between the two of them about the necessity of such a thing. The boyfriend proceeded to call SD's mom and SD13 got in trouble for being disrespectful.
I'm not a fan of the boyfriend, but I also think that SD13 could be pushing her boundaries simply because she is being told to respect someone who she barely knows. Because her mom is disordered mom is in the mix, it really makes me question the reality of the situation.
SD11 and SD13 both had softball games on Saturday. BM and her boyfriend went to SD11's earlier game and SD13 got in trouble again for not properly greeting the boyfriend. BM and her boyfriend then proceeded to "boycott" SD13's later game. BM then called my husband to tell him that he needs to talk to his daughter about her attitude. My husband politely declined and said this situation was hers to deal with. He wouldn't call her if there was a stepmom issue and expect her to handle it. Mom also let him know that she would not be attending SD13 and SD11's birthday bash we were throwing for them on Sunday because her boyfriend "had the day off and they really could use some quality time together".
SD13 told me that night for the umpteenth time in her life that her mom only cares about whatever boyfriend she has at any given time. I validated her hurt and then posed the question, "so now what?".
It was an honest question.
She didn't know. She wants to move out but doesn't want to leave her sisters. So I asked again, "then what can you do?"
She didn't know.
I want to tell her to make the best of it and accept mom in all her glory. We can't change her mom. I know it hurts and I don't want her to hurt. I'm also really angry at her mom right now. My SD13 is a really good kid and I don't think it's fair to assign her all the blame in the bad relationship that seems to be happening between the boyfriend and her. Perhaps I am far too biased, I absolutely adore my SD and I think this recent flavor of the month is a real douche bag. (Pardon me while I purge ) I think it's drama all the way around and so silly what is going on. My husband got a call today(yet again!) that my SD13 is such a little brat lately and that she was in trouble (now!) for not paying attention to her mom's friend's son who was at the birthday party yesterday. My husband said that she seriously needs to stop calling him over such things. He isn't seeing this monumental bad attitude that she is witnessing and that SD13 was polite and kind to all her guests at the birthday party which included over 25 girls and 4 boys. He also let her know that SD13 equally ignored all 4 boys which also included SD13's boyfriend and her stepbrothers (my two sons).
I don't know what advice to give. I want her to have a voice.. even if her mom isn't listening, doesn't mean the rest of us aren't. She said that she feels like she can't win. I have to admit that there is truth in that statement.
I don't really know how to help her other than what I always do. I don't know how to support her mom when she's acting like a two year old and boycotting events and birthday parties. I can see why SD13 wants to boycott her wedding... only seems fair, right?
I also know that any guidance I give her is perhaps coming from an angry place which isn't good for either of us. I'm not sure what to say or do at this point. I know what I want to do... but I don't feel like it's necessarily what should be done.
I appreciate any feedback.