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Withdrawing from Munchkin SD14

CLove's picture

Its been a while since I gave any updates but I have been here in the background, sort of chewing on things and reading posts.

Summer has been difficult. and when Munchkin has been with us, its been MORE difficult for different reasons.

We have a lot going on, and just as recently I started on a new lifestyle-diet plan and have been trying to get DH on board. And hes ready. Its harder to do lifestyle changes if your spouse isnt on board with you. My Dad has been pushing me to lose weight and hes REALLY pushing Keto pretty hard. DH has a large number of brothers and sisters, being the youngest of 13. 3 are diabetic, one actually on regular dialysis. Dh has a belly as do I and we are both about 40lbs over weight. Munchkin is 5'1" and 164-ish. Her mother is morbidly obese at 5'3" and 220 lbs. We are both 52.

So - Ive been sort of lecturing Dh about his health. Hes been good about changing his eating habits and that includes no white rice or ANY grains. He is Filipino, so thats a HUGE deal. WELL, as I was talking to DH, in the general area of Munchkin, I notived she got a pouty face with the news that she would be making rice, and only for herself. And when I spoke of our lifestyle-diet plans, she got more pouty-faced. Something she does when you tell her no, or ask her to do something she doesnt want to do. Or when I get on DH about something...

But things seemed ok, except at dinner, then the attitude started full-steam. I mentioned that I was concerned that she has zero activity level, and is mostly on her phone watching videos. She immediately got defensive, "So what?" Which is pretty rude for her. So I backed down and let her go about her explanation "what if I watch educational videos?" And Mr Pacifist DH  interjected with "what Clove was saying is that you should go for walks or do some excercise to feel better, and be healthier". Thanks DH for that translation. 

So - I thought things were smoothing out. Munchkin and I got to talking after Dh went to bed, and things were going along smoothly. Until I expressed my concern that she was possibly going to not go to college because she is in "fixer mode", and finds that she needs to "fix things" for her mother. I had overheard this from one of her aunties a week ago, as well as concern over her weight, so I am not the only one that is "concerned", Im just the only one bringing it up to her directly to her face.

This has been a long-running theme. Get ready for it. She got angry and started crying. I said, "Im sorry I know this is a sore spot with you. I know I am being very direct, but I want you to have a better future...and Im afraid that you will put it off to take care of your mother..."
Because previously she has felt the need to:
- Stay with her mother while she was getting into fistfights with her ex boyfriend (who still comes around with a restraining order her mother uses to control him)
- Get her mother to go apartment hunting, when she was booted out last year.
- Get her mother to wear a mask when going anywhere.
- Worry to point of crying to me on the phone when her mother was staying overnight with her aunt.

So, as you can expect, because her mother has done this as well as her sister, Munchkin borderline accused me of emotionally abusing her, because she said "well, Clove, Ive been paying attention to when I cry and I havent cried in 2 weeks and now Im crying."
Her roundabout covert way of saying "you are emotionally abusing me, because no one else but you makes me cry".

So. What do I do?

Comments

susanm's picture

Ask her "Has anyone spoken frankly to you in those past 2 weeks or have they tiptoed around you only telling you what you want to hear?  It is very easy to not get upset when you are getting your way or being left alone but that is not real life."

CLove's picture

Her aunties BITH expressed concern to DH. I just tell her to her face, and get the "fallout", and I'm tired of it.

JRI's picture

I dont think she was accusing you of emotionally abusing her.  I just think she's a teenage girl, going through all those turbulent emotions connected with growing up who, on top of everything, has a very dysfunctional mother she is worried about.  I dont think it is about you.  I am sitting here thinking how I, as a mature adult, would handle a mother with all those issues.  My 14-year old self would have been overwhelmed, that's why I so admire her for trying to do what she can.  You and I know those efforts will be fruitless since nobody changes until they are ready themselves.  And, that's what you are trying to convey -save yourself, Munchkin, nobody can save Mom.  How sad, I feel for you.  I wouldn't exactly disengage, just step back a little while continuing to be her strong support.  She has such a tough road ahead, even starting high school as a chunky girl is rough.  Thinking about you all, please let us know how it goes.  Good luck.

CLove's picture

I would not think so either except using historical data, it's a progressive thing.

her sister accused me of verbally abusing her and her sister. I yelled once at feral forger, never cursed. She called me countless names and verbally abused me. Her mother accused both DH and I of verbally abusing munchkin. I've NEVER yelled at her, said anything mean EVER. Toxic troll has always trashed DH and told anyone who would listen that he is emotionally and verbally abusive. 
 

it's a trend and I see where it's going to go... the inference was straight up there.

i know she's 14, and I should be more together on things, but it seemed like last night nothing I said was right. Everything upset her. I'm so done.

Dads_Wife's picture

I always think weight is a hard subject to broach with a teenager. As someone that has struggled with disordered eating her whole life, I actively try not to make ANY comments regarding weight (gaining or losing) because it encourages unhealthy habits. To this day, I struggle when my own mother comments on how much I'm eating or what I'm eating, ect. SD15 has put on some weight during this pandemic but she is fully aware of it and trying to solve the problem herself. That being said, she's 5'3 and 140 pounds. Munchin is VERY overweight. I honestly think I wouldn't have even brought up the rice and see if she went without, without saying anything. It sounds like the entire house could use a little reboot, and maybe munchin can get it too, without all the negative conotations of weight issues.

CLove's picture

I'll just keep my trap shit on everything to do with her from now on. It no longer concerns me.

Willow2010's picture

 I mentioned that I was concerned that she has zero activity level, and is mostly on her phone watching videos. 

"what Clove was saying is that you should go for walks or do some excercise to feel better, and be healthier

 things were going along smoothly. Until I expressed my concern that she was possibly going to not go to college because she is in "fixer mode

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oh clove...I really do admire you for trying to be a good stepmom.  But girl you need to step back. You have needed to step back for years and years but you don't for some reason.  This child feels like she is responsible for your feelings AND her moms. 

I feel like you are sometimes way to hard on this kid but I also don't think you really mean it in a bad way.  But do you know what this teen girl heard from all of your comment above?  She heard that you think she is fat lazy and dumb.  Just step back and enjoy her.  Don't try to be her mom or fix her.  It is better on YOUR heart.  

tog redux's picture

Yes, yes - this, so much.

You told a 14-year-old you weren't sure she'd go to college, 4 years from now, after essentially saying she's overweight and doesn't do enough activity. And in there, you insulted her mother, too. 

I know I've said before that you have to step back and not place so much importance on this relationship, but I know it's hard for you. Just be "fun aunt", don't talk to her about her weight, just role model getting healthy and encourage her to ride bikes with you or take walks.  And don't say anything about her relationship with her mother, not one single word. I do know how hard it is, I had holes in my tongue from biting it when SS was coming over, but it really will help your relationship with her, and your own mood.

CLove's picture

I know I am a bit hard on her. And I know its not my place. Basically I have come to the conclusion that I need to mind my own business and list my parents not her as my life insurance secondary beneficiary, as well as in my will. I will cease and desist from any kind of encouragement or suggestions. I feel that she was rude by saying "so what?" when I remarked on her excessive use of her phone to watch vid. I dont feel like I was out of place stating that she spent too much time watching videos on her phone. Ive seen her spend ALL weekend not doing anything else. After inviting her on walks and hikes. 

I disagree (respectfully) that my saying that Im concerned she wont make it to college because she will be caught up in fixing things between her mother and whomever is stating that she is dumb. Ive always told her how smart she is. That I will push her and she gengerally sais "ok".

But after being with her mother any length of time, she gets imbued with her mothers toxicity. Ive been encouraging her to apply herself in goal setting and going to college. Im the only one. 

Yes, my heart aches after her smart a$$ comments and then her veiled accusation that I am the bad guy always, because she ONLY cries when she is with us and its ALWAYS because of me.

CLove's picture

My comments were aimed at her activity level and how it would help with her feeling better. Not a single word spoken about her weight. I talk only about myself. And the college thing - Ive been the ONLY person who has encouraged her and even told her that ive listed her as a beneficiary if her father and I both pass, but its to be used for college.

Im sure hearing the truth non-sugar coated was hard. But to speak to me like that - making me the bad guy "I only cry around here because of YOU." Honestly if I tell her no, she cries. If the printer doesnt work right for her, she cries, if her father gets mad, she cries.

But somehow Im the jerk who is concerned for her future and her health. Ive been walking on eggshells every time shes with us because precious fee fees.

And she just texted me that she is making special Keto cinnamon rolls with the sugar substitute that I brought home from my parents house. My giving advice is nothing new, here. 

tog redux's picture

But - I'm sure she knows she's overweight and feels bad about it - so a comment like, "all you do is sit on your phone", is shaming to her.  And how can you say she won't go to college now, when it's 4 years away? 

Honestly, they both sounded like digs at her, and she felt that.

Ispofacto's picture

You can't reason with her.  Healthy eating habits are learned.  You can jettison the crap from your house and she can eat what you serve, but she will still model poor behavior at BM's house.

 

CLove's picture

I am wthdrawing all my concern from here on out. Its been happening gradually, but I think this was the shove I needed.

advice.only2's picture

I used to try and have "heart to heart" talks with Spawn because I knew she had no self esteem and was going to grow up to be Meth Mouths' puppet. She would engage for a bit and then suddenly she would change direction and I was the a$$hole just trying to make her feel bad about herself and how Meth Mouth was the best mom out there who loved her. I pretty much reached the point where I just stopped wasting my breath and would tell DH he needed to make sure his Spawn knew she wasn't going to be a freeloader in our house for the rest of her life.

As for the weight stuff, I had a talk with BD14 about this a few weeks ago. She has been very unhappy with her body lately and I told her she is beautiful, but if she feels unhappy then look at what she is eating and what she can change. We have exercise equipment so she can do that anytime she wants she chooses not to. I just told BD14 I love her and she needs to learn to love herself, but there is nothing wrong with being fit and feeling great too, you just have to take the time and do it.

Best of luck teenage girls are hard!

CLove's picture

I feel like this totally. Like, previously she has expressed that she WANTS me to care about her and look after her and be concerned. She actually got upset because I was not as concerned as she thought I should be during one instance. I was trying to withdraw...

SO I feel like a total putzz when I get the "so what" as Im expressing concern for her health, as far as she will sit in her room or lay in her bed ALL DAY LONG, for days at a time. 

Im simply going to live by example and she is on her own.

JRI's picture

CLove, if you are going to be stepmother to a teenage girl, you are going to have to develop a tougher hide.  Lol.  That "so what" is not a big deal.  When I was in counseling, complaining about some of the teenage lip I was hearing, my counselor told me a little of it was healthy.  He said if they dont do that at home, then they act out outside the home.

I'm kind of glad she has someplace to pout, backtalk and sulk, you know, act like a teal teenager.  Her home life isn't stable enough for her to do it there.

 

 

advice.only2's picture

I get it I tried hard with Spawn, I tried to care for her and would get slapped in the face every time. So when I stopped to protect my own heart then I was just a horrible mean b*tch for not caring about her. I learned with Spawn I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I had to understand she had two very flawed parents and didn't need me. She might have deep down inside wanted me, but the guilt and crap her mother would heap on her would squash all of that.

ITB2012's picture

You take a deep breath, hold tight, and close your eyes. You're clicking up to the top of the teen years rollercoaster full of emotional loop-de-loops, plunges into loathing (you them and they you, and them loating themselves), corkscrews of "logic", and small calm areas where you *think* you are done but it's just a set up for the next twist.

And you'll still be holding your breath, eyes shut tight, white knuckled, massively nauseous, and bitter that you ever agreed to get on the ride when the almost adult comes up to you and expresses concern about you and remorse for the last year or so, and you'll wonder WTF? how are we back where we started, couldn't we have just skipped the rollercoaster?

CLove's picture

I love roller coasters. But this one is both making me sick and giving me a headache.

ITB2012's picture

My DSs valley of death roller coaster took the enjoyment  right outta me. 

Harry's picture

If it's not there it can not be eaten.  You still don't understand that munchkin has a mother, it's not you.  What ever you do, care, will not change her love for her BM.  Her BM is going to be right all the time except when she is fighting with BM 

CLove's picture

Her mother Toxic Troll sent it with her when dH went to go pick her up to bring her to our house.

I understand...its really really hard because one moment she will be really sweet and we will feel like we are close. and then "poof" things change. 

ITB2012's picture

"I understand...its really really hard because one moment she will be really sweet and we will feel like we are close. and then "poof" things change."

Thats called a TEENAGER. They are terrible. I remember being terrible. Not like vandalism and stealing and stuff, like just having an amazingly bumpy and emotional ride through the middle of puberty that included letting emotional bullets fly at those around me. And I remember my mom and brother being so coy about him not doing the same shit...until he did at a slightly older than I was when I went through it. 

BethAnne's picture

 What she really needs is a trained therapist who is not emotionally invested. I see her tears as being a sign of her recognising the truth but being overwhelmed by it and not wanting to let her mother down or know how to start to change and deal with the huge amount of guilt that she knows she will feel. You feel you are messing up because it is a difficult situation that you have no training to deal with (I assume). I don't think that you are necessarily doing anything wrong, just that you might not have the skills needed to know how to approach things and the emotional distance to know when your truths are helpful and when they are harmful.

As for getting healthier, I don't really know what to suggest. There are many diet options that do not involve restricting favorate foods such as rice so she needn't feel bad for wanting to keep eating it. Personally I think that talking about nutrition and getting a grounding on nutritional basics and portion sizes as well as basic cooking skills are key for kids to learn. Modeling behaviors for her to see is good too. Show her that you and her dad have spotted an issue and are taking steps to try to address it. Getting active yourselves and making changes and inviting her to acompany you on for some of the activities. All of these things may or may not encourage her to change her habits now but could stick in her brain so that when she is an adult she will know what is possible and know that she can make different choices as she has seen first hand how you and her dad took action.

CLove's picture

We had burgers last night. DH is on board with me because he has seen his stomach shrink. He got himself a non-bun, and Munchkin thought it was something she would want. I taught her about sugar.

I think she is being the moody teen. Im not trained in therapy, but have read somethings.

Im a direct person. I dont sugar coat. My family is also very direct and do not sugar coat. I guess I sound mean, but Munchkin seemed happy last night...so maybe I did some good. Someone showing concern for her...wouldnt that be a good thing? Saying Im concerned about her excessive phone/video usage...its nothing I havent lectured on before...

Ive even talked about enmeshment before and we have read about it together. She is interested in phychology as well as myself, which is why I read and research. Shes triggered quite a bit. She and I have discussed triggers. She knows what a narcissist is.

So - Its not therapy, but I think it helps her understand things so she doesnt feel overwhelmed.

thinkthrice's picture

3 words:  Dr. Jason Fung 

Chef's health scare lead him to an extensive fast and keto.

Would NEVER listen to me.  Even cut out drinking and his whole personality changed remarkedly for the better.

CLove's picture

Ill check it out this weekend. My Dad, who is REALLY hardcore, he has sent me some very non-inspiring videos...

DH has lost a few inches on his stomach is he is feeling more energy as well!

Kona_California's picture

I just came back on myself and it's good to see your updates Smile But sorry to hear things aren't great.

I think your SD sounds like a really good kid and she's lucky to have you as an awesome maternal figure. If SD hasn't cried in two weeks and suddenly cries in front of you, that's a really good thing. It means she feels emotionally safe in front of you. You have a lot to be proud of with her.

You're right to tell her that she shouldn't have to manage her mother's emotional and economic issues. That's way too much for a 14 year old to try and manage. Being 14 with no other issues is already overwhelming.

Which makes me think about 14 year old development. Her decision-making part of her brain won't be developed until after high school. I would keep the dialogue focused on her feelings and how valid she is, and let her know her mom isn't doing her best. Telling her to make better decisions with her mom might be somehting that's too hard to handle. But approaching situations knowing her worth will help her make better calls.

With the diet thing..... ok. (be warned, I love this topic and did my master's thesis on adolescents and weight issues so this might be a lot haha) I was a bit overweight in high school/early college and since then I learned how to manage my weight to now (I'm 36, 5'9" and 140lbs). The decision-making thing applies here too... if someone her age has access to junk food it's natural to want to go for it. The best thing for everyone to be healthy is to go slow. Start incorporating a little more veggie every day, and a fruit every day. Just have it out and ready to eat and incorporate more into dishes. Cooking is a wonderful way to be healthier, and an awesome way to bond! To me, any diet that says fruit makes you fat should be illegal because I'm sorry what?! Keto is just not sustainable long-term. Have tons of fruit at home to snack on. The fiber in it makes it  hard to go over-board. Blue berries are awesome to pop while you're watching TV. Grains are totally fine. Brown rice is great, sure, but I think white rice is fine too. Just get high-fiber sliced bread. We've really become distorted about what is healthy and what we should have less of because of all the marketing for different gimmicks. What should be limited are baked sweets, soda, including diet soda, (Seltzer water has been great for me when I was kicking my diet coke addiciton), and so many of those stupid "A RECENT STUDY SHOWS" rules. Don't follow the metabolism crap about "eating once every freaking two hours makes you lose weight" or "eating as soon as you wake up jump-starts your metabolism." Just eat when you're hungry. No matter what time it is. Including late at night. I rarely eat breakfast. When I do, it's because I'm hungry in the morning. I don't force myself to eat because it's been x amount of hours. and I don't deprive myself because it's been too soon or it's too late. Listen to your body in how it feels. Working out will never, ever cancel out eating garbage food (like cake cookies and candy). Let yourself have pasta until you're FULL and skip desert. If it has veggies in there you'll be satisfied for a long time. Before I step down from this Ted Talk I highly recommend this cookbook. you and your SK will get a kick out of it and have so much fun making delicious, healthy dishes: https://amzn.to/30d2IqZ.

CLove's picture

I really do love her but I cannot win these battles. At one time I though I could.

so, I am going to let things go forword, work on overcoming my own challenges and hope that she learns.

Thanks for the pep talk!!! and link. I do love fruits, but my Dad who is hardcore has been lecturing me on "no sugar, no fruits, no this and that..."

Kes's picture

Challenging someone on their choices and behaviour is not being emotionally abusive.  Challenging is often the most caring thing to do. 

CLove's picture

My Stepfather adopted me at 16. I never met my bio father.

He drives me insane sometimes. But I know that he loves me.

He lectures me non stop. But I know its because he cares. He is harsh sometimes, but I need to hear it. He doesnt sugar coat the truth so that I find it easier to swallow. But thats not what I need.

This is what I know, so this is what I do. I challenge Munchkin ALL the time. I warned her that I would push her, and she wouldnt like it. And here it is. Now I am realising that with her toxic parenting I cannot win this game. So I have to withdraw and let her fall where she will. 

Cooooookies's picture

This is an example that fits the hardest yet truest mantra of being a Stepparent:

'YOU CANNOT CARE MORE THAN THE BIO PARENTS'

As others have said, you have to step back.  Be a fun aunt or friend.  You have a wonderful heart but this is only going to turn on you.  Please protect yourself.

CLove's picture

Thats why I continue to read things here and post. I cant turn the caring off and on at will. Munchkin wants me to care, but to a point. So I can care, but only with my wallet it seems.

DPW's picture

You need to stop this cycle that you have with Munchkin. It is damaging to you and to her. 

You need to step back and stop being so overinvolved. I'm not sure now how many times some of us have told you this, you agree, then you post another blog about how you overstepped again. Then you say "I'm going to disengage to protect myself". Who's protecting Munchkin? She's the kid here. 

CLove's picture

and I am stepping back. sometimes we need to hear (read) something over a period of time sometimes we need a shock to our system before it really sinks in. She will be happy and then she will be moody. She keeps asking me to be involved, and gets upset if I remove myself. So, its gotten really tough to remove myself, when she continues to ask for me. To keep things nice I help, but should I say "ask your father"? 

Its those times that I get comfortable and then "poof". Presto chango, "you need to stay out of my business. But can you buy me this or that and help me out when I need you?"

I just need to remove my concern but keep my wallet opened. Thats the message that I am getting.

Livingoutloud's picture

I know you mean well but many of your  conversation and comments to SD are wildly inappropriate. Repeatedly bringing up her mother in a negative connotation is beyond wrong. Why are you keep doing it? No one should ever do that. You keep pushing but then are surprised why she cries.
 

This girl doesn't feel strong enough to tell you to stop all these inappropate talks so instead she cries. Now I know you have good intentions. But we all know what they say about good intentions 

you can continue caring about SD without doing unacceptable  things. I care about my nieces and nephews but I don't sit them down to bash their mother. It's inappropriate.  

please just stop. It's traumatizing for a child. Some of the conversations you had with munchkin made ME upset how inappropriate and pushy they sound and I could only imagine how these talks make HER feel. Your SD is a sweet girl that she keeps tolerating it (even though she cries). Your SD has to please and make happy both BM and SM, it is too much for 14 year to handle! Your SD is too nice I could imagine how my DD would react. It wouldn't be pretty. 

your SD needs a therapist but you aren't one and you cannot  be a substitute for a therapist (not like therapist would speak to her like that). Instead these conversations and this constant drama is further damages and traumatizes her. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, I agree. I would never have said anything like this to my SS or even to my nieces, it's not my role.  DH might have said something like this to SS, but he was the parent, it's different coming from the parent.

And CLove, you claim you never say anything bad about her mother, but here's another example of how you DO say it, without directly saying it. 

CLove's picture

My typical. Its probably a shock to kiddos sensibilities. I even did it when she called me at work sobbing about her mother calling her a b!tch. And that time she called sobbing because her mother was drinking with sister and did not come home that night and she had spent the night alone. Or the time that her mother told her that she was going to sell her rabbit. Or the time she told me she was afraid her mother might get mad and sell the dog. Or, whatever. I dont sugar coat the truth sometimes and sometimes I DONt bite my tongue. She will recover from all the damage evil Clove has inflicted and go back to being happy with me again.

Which is what happened when I got home from work. And after she asked me to taste test the Keto cinnamon roll with frosting she had been working on all day.

Oh well. I dont know how to be the fun Aunt. I never had them and I never see my niece and nephews.

You havent developed a relationship with SS to the point that you feel close enough to be able to do this.

I will definitely Step down. Its about time. I thought that I could make a difference in her life, but after her comments I understand and see the road down which she is traveling...

CLove's picture

We all have our triggers I suppose. Wildy inappropriate is her mother telling her all about her different dudes and showing her pictures of all of them. Telling her that her sister looks like a prostitute. My telling her that she needs to not spend so much time on her phone is not "wildly inappropriate".

And my telling her of my concern about her being a "fixer type" (I never went into specifics) is not "wildly inappropriate.  "wildly inappropriate is her father telling her to stop crying. I tell her to cry it out if she needs to. So her crying is not out of line. She cries a LOT.  We talk a lot about college. Is that also "wildly inapropriate"? Because Im over stepping my boundaries telling her that she will need to work hard to get her education, because we just dont have the money to send her. I Guess thats inappropriate too. funny thing is, she was a happy camper when i got home. 

No moodiness at all. Just appreciated me and my help, as she said many times. She spent the day at home making Keto cinnamon rolls with stevia frosting.

ITB2012's picture

This is one area where I think it's massively important not to comment on another parent, including your own ex. Kids love their parents regardless of their behavior (that ole unconditional love) and until they are adults, have made it through puberty, and are on their own and no longer a full dependent living at home, they won't be able to be emotionally distant enough to recognize and compare their parents to others. Yet this still isn't the point to trash the other parent. However it is the point where I have allowed myself to say that I understand that X parent gets passionate about Y. 

I was always very careful not to trash a parent. If it was just an opinion of the kid (not that they were upset about a punishment and in the wrong and needed that reinforced), I would only say hmmm or try to point out how the parent views the situation. (And amazingly I did get DH to come around on that and stop making snide remarks about BM to the kids when he got frustrated.)

And for the ex of your SO, only speak facts. Kids shouldn't have to carry the burden of their parents opinions about each other. 

CLove's picture

thats always been my problem.

And I dont sugar coat. My family is like this as well and my poor little feelings used to get hurt when they spoke truths.

But, in Steplife, unlike real life, we must twist ourselves into STEP-pretzels to avoid emotional minefields.

I tell myself this like a mantra, and mostly I am successful in STEP-dancing around truths.

Yep. Bite the tongue, twist into pretzel. Like a dance.

advice.only2's picture

Clove I never sugar coated it for Spawn either, but really her mother IS a drug addict and I wasn't going to lie to her, she had Meth Mouth doing enough of that. I understand other people opinions on here, but sometimes with a super toxic parent like that you have to be honest with the kid.

I think in Munchkin's case she comes to you to complain/vent about her situations in life and you listen and agree with her and offer advice (real advice not sugar coated), and she gets upset because she knows deep down inside you are telling her the truth and that's scary and it hurts. But honestly kids need that sometimes. It can't always be rainbows and gumdrops.

Munchkin is 14 not 4, this is when you can start having those harder discussions with them, because reality is her mother sucks and god forbid she doesn't have somebody being honest with her she will probably end up just like her mom.

CLove's picture

When she was 8, I did sugar coat. Now, we discuss and I lecture. I try to be gentle and warn her I might say something she wont like, and usually shes "ok, thats fine tell me." She knows my pesonality by now as well as where I am coming from. My being concerned - she has TOLD me she wants me to be concerned about her welfare.

Thank you for your comment. I think thats what is going on. She doesnt like my truths because the rest of her family doesnt give her truths. They bite their tongues and ignore. But after she has some time to really consider what I say, she will think about it and come to the conclusion that I have her best interests at heart and even if its emotionally hard, its not cruel.

Her mother doesnt do anything, isnt honest, isnt trying to help her have a better life. Her father sugar coats. Her sister, feral forger, is the only one who tells it like it is (or how she sees it) without the sugar coat. which is weird, with her lack of maturity. I recall her sister yelling at her for eating sweets "you know you have diabets in our family, dont you?" At the time I was protective. 

The best advice is to just lead by example and withdraw. All bets are off if there are going to be accusations on the table.