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Twisted Vines of Non-Truths (again)

CLove's picture

So, things have been quiet in Toxic Troll world with Feral Forger SD21  sort of being nice and normal. Until Munchkin SD14 comes to our house for her weekly vistation. Munchkin is a buffer between the two, and when its just them, things always blow up eventually. Because they are twins. Feral Forger is Toxic Trolls not-so-mini-me.

First off, I have taken advice to heart. But still need a vent sesh with you all to unleash that beast that wants to yell and gnash teeth.

Munchkin tells me that "because my mom asked her to do chores, now she is threatening suicide. And because she is upsetting my mom, my mom was yelling at her." You see I had to swing her by the apartment Friday to pick up her computer for school work. To complete on Spring break. She slipped in and slipped out because "it didnt look pretty in there." Shes still cheerful so that was fine.

Then at home Toxic Troll calls her crying "its just so stressful and shes just so mean!" Munchkin sooths her and all is well in my world as we are going along.

Saturday night Munchkin calls her to "check in", and her mother spends 2 hours spinning her dark and twisted non-truths

Main Non-truth: She did not abuse Feral Forger as FF is telling Munchkin. She just pinned her against the wall and held her there, because she wasnt listening.

Dark and twisted truth: I saw the bruises on FF's forehead and temple. I saw that she couldnt drink even a small amount of water. I had seen the texts from TT BM that 'she had choked her, body slammed her against the wall and slapped her. that at least she was 18, lol.' Id also had a lengthy convo with FF about the dangers of being choked and that thats the fastest way to kill someone, that it would happen again (it did). 

So...I did mention to Munchkin that "you know your mother isnt exactly solid on the truth. she has accused us of abusing you?"

Munchkin got that frowny face, like when shes in conflict. "yeah, well FF always lies, and my mom is just upset." Yeah shes upset and you two are bonding over her trauma of getting yelled at by her kid about abuse that definitely happened 5 years ago. TT's committing a sort of trauma bonding with munchkin. I dont even know the name for it except enmeshment.

Munchkin looked happy and cheerful about the attention shes getting from her mother. Lots and lots of attention. Made me sick to my stomach.

So, normally would detail things, stick my neck out. Thanks to steptalk and its cold hard truths, I spent the next day with munchkin enjoying each others company, didnt say squat, and we had lunch and I taught her how to cook a nice taco dinner. Something new Im going to institute is she cooks us dinner 1 night a week, which she was happy about. Those tacos were darn good! And my stomach is still turning, as the dark twisted vines of non-truths reach out to me, choking back my emotions.


caninelover's picture

to fully disengage from because it all follows poor Munchkin around.  It is great that she has a respite and I like that you let her talk a bit but then focused on her time there.  Its probably nice for her to get her mind off the train wreck at the other home.

Taco night sounds fun and its good to give Munchkin a little responsibility around the house.

I feel sorry for FF too.  She never really had a shot to be a normal kid with a crazy mother.

CLove's picture

My mind does those kinds of mental gymnastics, too.

But shes just like Toxic Troll. I used to feel sorry for her too, when she was 18. 

Munchkin might turn out the same way (doubt it) and they are SO FREAKING enmeshed it sort of drives me a little crazy...inside...especially when munchkin is SO pro Toxic Troll, that she wont even acknowledge what she saw. Doesnt want to hear anything of an opposing TT view. Shes in that "love haze", because shes not in that apartment for now.

She actually told me "I dont ever have conflict with my mother". Im like "oh but you contort yourself into a pretzel to not make her upset or angry or mad!!!! It doesnt come naturally that you do not have conflict with her!" But I do not say that...

Stepdrama2020's picture

BM is a toxic mess who passed it on to FF. Munchkin is dang lucky to have you. You are playing it smart and hold close to your heart. Step shit has a way in breaking it.

JRI's picture

Its like watching a trainwreck.  How difficult for Munchkin to live it and how difficult for you to watch it.  Seems like things could get tragic at any time.  I agree, listen to her than divert to normalcy.

CLove's picture

Its a trainwreck on groundhog day. The same chit keeps happening. FF wants to dye her hair purple. TT says no do your chores. FF says "Im just going to kill myself and your so abusive". And then TT cries to munchkin.

tog redux's picture

We took SS21 out to dinner recently and he was telling us that he got into a fight with his mother and his older half-sister texted him literally 32 times about what a horrible son he is, etc. He threw back In her face that she didn't help BM on some other occasion, blah blah. Neither of them seem to see who is at the center of this - poor victim BM. Crying to her adult kids about how the others treat her, triangulating and pitting them against each other. Dysfunction Junction. 

CLove's picture

I know the answer. You just do.

You go uhuh, oh, oh my goodness, oh well, aha.

Toxic Troll Triangulations

Yes, Feral Forger was texting Munchkin at the time that Toxic Troll was in tears on the phone to Munchkin, each on the opposing end of the triangle. And "munchkin in the middle".

Sad thing I think shes enjoying it. Too much.

tog redux's picture

"wow. 32 times. Huh! how about that!"

When he was younger, I tried. I really did. I'd ask questions, make observations, try to get him to think critically. 

Now I don't care anymore. 

CLove's picture

Sometimes I assume I know a definition due to context in which it is used, but thats a very superficial knowledge.

Traingulation via wikipedia...interesting.

So, step families are "quadrangulation" wonder the kids are messed up!

Yeah. Im trying not to care. 

"lets go shopping!"

"Lets get lunch!"

tog redux's picture

I cared more when SS was younger and we had some sort of relationship. But 7-8 years of him treating DH like crap beat any caring right out of me. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Dang girl you just gave me an idea for a good title of my step life book LOL Can I use it  I will credit you. Its a personal journal I am writing to heal.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Can only imagine how an entitled skid would twist this "revive and relive all the unresolved family issues"  LOL lets get mommy and daddio back together so I can relive.

bananaseedo's picture

Clove, does she ever unload on your DH with this or just you?  Is there any way you can start directing it towards him so you aren't triangulated into this mess each and every time?


tog redux's picture

Yeah, that's a good point. My SS used to talk to me about stuff too, and only me. Finally DH told him I wasn't his therapist and to cut it out. That was kind of freeing, honestly. 

CLove's picture

A long time ago we started a pattern where it was ok for her to unload her issues with her mother. She finds her father on the harsher side sometimes, but she gives him high lights of things.

Now that she is Team Toxic Troll, she "shares" vs "unloads". At first I thought that was ok and maybe helpful...because it meant she felt safe with me and it was ok to talk about her mother in the positive with me. 

But its not ok and its not helpful obviously because it caused me a sleepless night.

The suspicious part of my brain wonders if she does this on purpose because she understands it might upset me, and cause me to "try harder" to win her over, or something. 

Im going to try harder to change the subject when she begins her "sharing". It icks me out.

bananaseedo's picture

SD did this 'sharing' everything that was going on with BM also, we had to put a stop to it, you have to realize it's not good for your own mental health.  She also needs to learn to navigate her own family issues or find a therapist that can be objective to help her out.  I would shut it down every time.

JRI's picture

There's a part of Munchkin that finds the drama interesting, or thinks you will.  In my younger days, I thought my drama was interesting to others, too.  At some point, I realized it was boring to others and embarrassing to me.  It's a young person's mistake.

I'm of 2 minds about shutting her down, though.  With the situation so volatile and her so young, it's probably best that you have an idea of what's going on.

bananaseedo's picture

I hear ya, but then her DH should be taking the brunt of this dysfunction circus as it's from HIS doing/seed, kwim?  She shouldn't have to take this on at all.