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Taking a break

CLove's picture

Well, I did it and boy a I GLAD.

I hit my breaking point with everything and everyone.

Toxic Troll's lies and manipulations, her enmeshment with Munchkin SD14.

Feral Forgers lies and manipulations and enmeshment with Toxic Troll.

Munchkin SD14 who aligns herself with TT against Feral Forger, enmeshed beyond enmeshed.

I feel like I put so much energy, intention and attention to build Munchkin up and help her become strong and independent and she turns around and gives it all directly to TT. 

Munchkin SD14 and her Grade-gate. TT was supposed to be taking her to in person class today. Guess who was marked absent. Guess whos As are falling to Bs and is failing 2 other classes again?

Guess which over-functioning Step-Aside-Step parent is taking a break? Yup. I told them Im done for now, need a break. Munchkin needs to get herself to her classes and get her assignments done. Im over putting all the energy out and getting trash talked in return.

Yes I know I waiver.

But it all came to a head when Feral Forger shared my instagram with Toxic Troll who in turn used this information to trash on DH about "choosing cLove over his own daughter and her feelings are very hurt". That, with the past 6 1/2 years of Toxic Troll bashing me to anyone that will listen. That was the hit on the head that I needed. Munchkin missed her first in person class? What can I do? I jumped through so many hoops to get her in there, what else can I do? I even got her out of 2 absences. One of which she showed up to the zoom class 5 minutes before it ended. Boy did I feel like a jerk. The teachers must be really peeved at me. The over functioning step parent who swoops in to rescue skiddo with underfunctioning bio parents.

I need a break.

 

*** Edited to add

I told DH what I was feeling and turns out he went through the same thing, many times over. Fought hard for the kids to have perfect attendance, make aweseome grades, paid a lot of attention. Then Toxic Troll fights him on it. Tardies and absences - "we went to the mall just for fun". And she gets the glory "Im so proud of you my little enmeshed mini-me!!!!"

When she does no transport and spends no time or efforts. DH just said "well now you are at the point that I came to."

Comments

Aniki's picture

Darlin', if you ever feel yourself waivering, I'll be happy to give you a verbal jerk back to taking that break! xoxo

CLove's picture

Aniki-style.

Biggrin

Thanks for your continued support.

caninelover's picture

Take a break.  You've already gone above and beyond.

CLove's picture

But you know what? I cant save what doesnt want to be saved. 

On a "normal day", Id go home and wed be having multiple calls and lectures and problem-solving and Id rant and rave about it. Tiring us both out.

Now -gee I think Ill go for a much needed walk/run for an hour. Finish some laundry.

tog redux's picture

Good. You've definitely done more than was expected of you. What was on your Instagram that made TT lose her marbles? I hope her ignores her crap.

CLove's picture

And much to my chagrin, its was much much more than what was expected. Because my parents set such high standards for us all.

LOL. I took DH on a very expensive date to a nice restaurant, had fresh oysters and posted happy pics of us all together.

Feral Forger had a bday the previous weekend. I had sent her some stuff. Dh had called and she was at the city having fun drinking and partying. But somehow she was "hurt that he chose a night out with me and did nothing for her on her bday" according to Toxic Troll. Basically that he took me out and didnt give her any money. 

Well, let them wallow in whatever, DH doesnt put any emotion out there. Im the one who gets emotional.

advice.only2's picture

Glad you are taking a break, it's so hard when you care more about the kids well-being than the mother does, but you're the a$$hole.

CLove's picture

Biggrin haha.

But Im the A$$hole who has money, so I can afford to go somewhere away from all of them and work on thriving.

I know more about her assignments due and schedule than munchkin does. Its pretty funny now that I think about it.

I think it will be for the best - she will be more independent as a result.

ndc's picture

I'm glad to hear you're taking a break.  Sad as it is, I suspect you'll ultimately reap nothing but heartache from the time, money, effort and love you pour into Munchkin.  Her mother's tractor beam will always pull her away from you and all the good you try to do for her.

CLove's picture

Yeah. Thats a great way of describing it. The Golden Uterus Tractor Beam. No escape.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Good for you. Enjoy your break, go do sometnice for yourself. You are a good person and deserve it.

CLove's picture

A few weekends ago, I got a process done and this coming weekend, haircut and painting workshop in a redwood forest.

Instead of worrying and focusing on what I cannot change or manage. And getting mad about it.

Its now - 1 mile or 3?

CLove's picture

miles lol. I wish! Sometime soon however.

Biggrin

Yes, letting all this go is letting go of all the frustrations.

CajunMom's picture

Busted my booty, trying to help the two youngest finish school. Both were failures, in spite of my "over the top" trying to help. Youngest SD got kicked out of the church school they went to because of her crazy mother and the fact she was 17 and failed the 8th grade yet again. Youngest SS? Well, let's see. Three attempts to "help" him. And three returns to Clan Land, the crazy cult like churches and his controlling siblings/BM. The last time...he left here, Junior year, with zero absences, all A's and B's and requalified for our state tuition assistance program. With BM....53 days of missed school and he failed his Senior year. Luckily, by promising cars, we got them to get their GEDs but they have no skills. Oh well.

With that said, I do believe you need a break....and I'd go further to say, a permanent break. Enmeshment is SO dang hard to break....it's too familiar for them. And it usually fits their needs of "lazy" or "not wanting." I've read your posts and you have done SO much. Sad how they take your beautiful love, kindness and support and throw it to the wind. Find someone who wants your love and goodness....I volunteer is pet rescue as a transport driver. So worthy a cause. Find YOUR cause and that is where you put that BIG HEART of yours. Best to you!

CLove's picture

Volunteering. Giving of time. Thats not something DH or his progeny consider important.

I used to do a LOT of volunteering of my time and energy. To very needy causes.

Your story is so familiar! 

Feral Forger is pretty lost.

Munchkin is on her way there...

Hopefully not.

MissK03's picture

Good for you Clove. Try not to take things personally though. Not saying you do.. it's hard to do do do for skids then they fall back into the black hole. 

CLove's picture

its weird though. I KNOW munchkin loves me and cares for me. Its just that Toxic Troll  Tracter Beam that reels her in.

DO and OVER DO. Its all DOO DOO. LOL.

 

MissK03's picture

Of course she does. She's just wrapped up in the mayhem.. hopefully as she gets older she will see differently. As for right now though do you. You can't control what TT and FF do. Munchkin knows she can go to you. 

tog redux's picture

cLove, you have to learn to be okay with having a good relationship with Munchkin but not trying to save/rescue her.  I still have a good relationship with my SS21, but I don't do anything for him whatsoever.

Just be Dad's wife who is nice to her, not stepmom who is going to help save her from her genetic legacy.  That's enough. If she's going to break the family cycle, she'll find her way on her own. 

Just respond with help to genuine effort from Munchkin that's initiated by HER, not you.

CLove's picture

Oh boy. Thats a hot topic. So over it.

Yes, I NEED to let go enough that it doesnt matter as much, and anything above "Dads wife who I like" is gravy. 

She got resentful the other day when I told her Im not swooping in to rescue anymore.

Her absence yesterday, in view of all her missing work and poor grades - well I cannot make a silk purse from Toxic Troll genetic material. My parents even said it "well you cant care more than the parents do". 

paul_in_utah's picture

I've held off on commenting on your posts for a long time, because I can tell you are a good person who is trying to do the right thing.  You've come to the point I eventually reached with my ex-skids and my ex-fiancé's kids.  In summary:  "blood trumps all."  You can do everything for these kids and you still don't mean jack crap to them.  You will never have that all-to-real biological connection.  I can't begin to tell you all of the things I have done for these kids from my past, but let's just say it was a lot.  None appreciated, and only very rarely even acknowledged.  But if I said one wrong thing, gave them one wrong wrong look?   I was the Devil incarnate.  
 

Don't beat yourself up.  Take care of yourself and your real kids.  

CLove's picture

Im in complete agreement.

And Im still P!$$ED OFF. Sent DH some screen caps and told him he needs to figure it out.

This weekend, when we have Munchkin, I have made a bunch of plans, that do not include her. Used to be, these 6 plus years I would take her forgirl days, nails, hair cut, shopping, lunch, parks. She would prefer staying in her room, chatting with her friends, she wants to just mold away in her room, caught up in the drama of her mothers making, cool. Fine.

Her mother's tractor beam just brings her back in. Cannot fight the genetics of Do Nothing people. My family has always been busy. Adventure-lovers. Go everywheres, travelers. Large number of things on the roster.

Toxic Troll just sits there stewing in her grungy apartment. Feral Forger, also a Do Nothing.